Getting back to the books

I've finally gotten around to reading some books that were recommended to me ages ago. I don't always do so well with recommends, it's selfish but I usually like to be the one to "discover" the book. I don't know. Nerdish thrills, I guess. Anyway, the boss had loaned me Coyote Blue by Christopher Moore something embarrassing like a year ago, but once I finally gave it a chance it moved quickly and was really quite entertaining. Then I moved on to a loaner from my mom that had been collecting dust - The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. I have to say I was a bit hesitant to get into this, as it is a "mom book" - no offense to my mom's taste in books, but sometimes I avoid them like I would certain drama movies because I just won't feel in the mood for something that's a painful-yet-touching story about overcoming adversity, recommended by so and so's book club, etc. That said, it was a pretty good book and even a bit heartwarming, so that should teach me to judge. And now, I'm finally reading the first Harry Potter book, as J has suggested several times. Yep, folks - had to break down and do it. Now, my excuse for dragging my feet about starting the HP books is that I just didn't think I'd be "into" that kind of thing, and I don't want to feel obligated to read every book in the series - I just don't need that kind of pressure, damnit! But I am assured that they'll be so entertaining and will go so quickly, that I will want to read them all of my own free will. We'll see. (Don't all start chanting "One of us! One of us!")This is just another example of how I'm behind the times with pop culture. I never seem to get around to checking things like this out until after all the hubbub has died down.

---

Well then. I wrote that first part a couple weeks ago. Now I'm on the third Harry Potter book. Go figure. In the meantime, I also read The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove by Christopher Moore and started his first book Practical Demonkeeping - I like his sense of humor and so far the books of his have been really clever and entertaining, great to get your mind off of things. I don't think I do too well with giving book reviews, but I'd definitely give it the thumbs up and nod repeatedly if you asked if it was worth checking out.

Cat Lesson #16

Scoring water from any source other than the specified "cat bowl" not only tastes better and temporarily cures boredom, but also reminds the human of another important cat lesson: finders keepers.

Dreams... of the future?

Suddenly, we had a new house that we couldn't afford, much larger and much more elegant than anything I had thought we would call home. I loved it, but knew it must be some sort of mistake - it couldn't really be ours. Three bathrooms! Multiple levels! A beautiful view! It was some sort of alternate reality - it was our house but it wasn't - and I guess we figured we'd enjoy it while we could. Then just as suddenly as the house had appeared, I was holding our baby girl. I've seen her in dreams before - big bright eyes and the chubbiest of cheeks. I was kissing her soft little cheeks and then realized I didn't really know what to do with her - she didn't even have a diaper on. She looked up at me and started to fuss and get teary-eyed with a look that said "You don't know what you're doing!" I looked at her and started to get teary-eyed too, and said softly "I'm sorry baby, I don't know what I'm doing..." as I grabbed some paper towels to put under her.

Bad Cracklins

A bothersome development: my jaw is feeling, well... crackly on and off lately. This can't be good. Like, it'll feel tight and similar to how it feels when a knuckle or other joint needs to be cracked, and I'm able to "pop" it, but that doesn't necessarily feel good or relieving. The thing that worries me is that I had jaw surgery 14 years ago and I don't think I should even be able to pop my jaw, at least I hadn't been able to until recently. Shit. I suppose I need to call the jerkass oral surgeon but I'd of course prefer not to. I wonder if there's some sort of warranty on this thing. If there was it's probably run out by now. What if I have to have another surgery? I never even considered that it would be a possibility, that the first one might not fully take. I was 15 at the time so I don't remember what all they told me. Maybe there was something in the fine print about you're not supposed to give blowjobs or it'll ruin the whole thing, but they were too polite to bring it up that warning considering my age at the time. Well, oops. Way too late now. Damnit.

At the moment

I hate feeling like this. I'm mad at myself for feeling like this and that's not helping. I can realize that it's probably 50% hormonal, 25% things that have been building up, and 25% the reality of the situation but that doesn't help much either. You know, up late - when I should be tucking myself into bed - but instead it's all bouts of tears and sniffles and wanting to scream. This is when I realize I don't have a good outlet or coping mechanism, I feel so overwhelmed that I could explode. I have nowhere for these feelings to go. Well, I have my silly little blog, apparently. But right now I just feel really, deeply, alone. Distanced from everything. And that when I'm the only one I can turn to or depend on, I don't do that so well. I feel like everyone who has ever been close to me has just gotten frustrated and given up or somehow or another shook their heads with disapproval. I feel like I need a friend more than ever. I need to be true to myself more than ever. I don't know how to describe it. It seems like this should be one of the happiest times of my life, and thinking about that makes me feel that much more miserable. I know this sounds ridiculous and whiny, and I'm trying not to think about that and just write, because every time I picture someone reading what I write or listening to my feelings, I see them rolling their eyes and giving me the "pssht, whatever." My own wavering sense of self worth can really make it feel like everyone is against me. Like I'm difficult to love, or even to listen to or be around. My feelings or expressions no longer seem valid to you, and I feel like some passive-aggressive mess begging to be validated. I'm scared and unsure about the future more than ever. I wish that with all my doubts and insecurities, that I could at least be sure about something. Even if it's just this one thing. I know it won't always feel like this and I don't want it to now either. Even if it only makes sense to me and I'll regret it tomorrow, I guess I needed to get that out. Goodnight.

Phoning it in

Sometimes it feels like I'm only running at, like, 20% power. You know, enough to cover basic functions and tasks but not a whole lot else. I'm sure everyone has felt similar from time to time, but when you tell people you've felt that way for maybe 3 or 4 years then it's not so understandable. I think something is telling me it's time for a change. Yeah, maybe it takes me longer than most people to pick up on those clues.

Little boxes made of ticky-tacky

Since the fiance and I moved from apartment life into house life, we've had quite a bit of adjusting to do. Not just with the upkeep of the place but also the social aspects. Neighbors at our apartment complex for various reasons were best avoided if at all possible, which usually was not possible. Still, people pretty much kept to themselves, whether it be in a "fuck you, I'm gonna just carry on like no one else lives here" kind of way or in a "let's respectively ignore each other and pretend that we have some privacy" kind of way. So now that we're in a neighborhood of mostly friendly people, I have to keep in mind that they most likely are being genuinely nice, and aren't out to steal our newspaper or poop in our washing machine as soon as we're not looking. (God, I hope not anyway.)

The funny thing about running into neighbors is that unless you know them really well, there is always somewhat of the same conversation taking place. Because really, what do you talk about with neighborhood acquaintances? The thing about these conversations is that they just don't seem to go much of anywhere.

"Have you met so and so that lives across the street?"
"No, not yet."
"Yeah, me neither."
Shrug.

Or

"I've seen you guys outside, you know, doing yard work and stuff."
"Oh, yep - I see you sometimes too."
"Oh yeah, we've waved."
"Yeah!"
Long pause.
"So... uh, have you met so and so over there?"

Or

"Oh, I remember the nice lady who used to live in your house."
"Mmm hmm."
"We were all surprised when she died."
"Yeah, that's really too ba-"
"From what I understand it was somewhat sudden."
"Leave me alone, I didn't do it."

Well, okay - you get the point. You talk about your lawns and stuff you want to do to your house, and hear the occasional tidbits of gossip about other neighbors, and it's really not all bad. It just takes some getting used to. As cynical as I am though, I am thankful for the small talk and little social interactions. We've even forged somewhat of a friendship with the couple next door, and try to make more of an effort to get to know the other surrounding neighbors. I know this sounds ridiculously simple, but for us it's quite an achievement to keep breaking away from our safe, anti-social comfort zone! (Can I throw in one more time that our last apartment really made us bitter and we stayed there about 3 years too long?)

What about you? Best/worst neighbor interactions to share?

No, that's not me in the picture

Anyway. As a follow-up to the last post: I did get a haircut that I really like (shorter than I expected, but it's bouncy-bouncy), but unfortunately didn't do so until after getting my god-awful license picture taken. (The lady was nice enough to do a couple retries before just saying "Sorry, I think that's as good as it's gonna get.") I REALLY don't photograph well (especially when I'm expecting it) and think I ended up looking like a tired, pale, bloated, thug. I mean, I was tired, pale and bloated but looking thuggish was sort of a surprise. Anyway, I had plenty of comfort food and comfort drinks over the weekend, and had a really nice 29th birthday overall. Sorry for all the whining that led up to it.

Fuddle-duds

I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. Sometimes I look at how far I've come, and sometimes I feel like I'm worse than ever. Is it the cutback on the antidepressants? Could be. Or a bunch of other things. Or nothing really at all. My birthday is on Friday, the last b-day of my twenties. Oh, I know - don't get all sad and reflective. But you know I do. And also get overwhelmed with the feeling of "where did all that time go? And what do I have to show for it?" But then, this coming year some big things will happen and perhaps it will all just get better and better from here on out. Yeah...

I've just been down. Particularly unhappy with my job and not sure how much longer I should stay here. It's not that the job is bad, it's just that being here makes me feel bad. And, you know - reclusive, inferior, bitter, negative, etc. That's all. Maybe that's what it's like for most people. But then I kinda think there might be something out there that's a better fit. Then again, I also have the feeling that if I leave too soon - like on a depressed whim - I will really regret it and realize that I had it pretty good here. Meh.

I'm feeling frumpy and ugly and not particularly looking forward to getting a new license picture taken or giving the state $83 that I don't have for the new license and tags. Or getting a stupid new license plate because they decided to change the colors - I like the one I have! But, whaddaya do?

Sorry for being such a stick in the mud. I think I could use a haircut, some ibuprofen and some sort of comfort food. That usually helps.

In this issue of ManCat...

We bring you this oh-so-sexy centerfold shot of Mr. Jones. Sure, it's probably because it happened to be the only one readily available on the computer at work to our staff, but more importantly because you look like you could use a little ManCat love. Just try to resist petting that belly-fur. He promises to give you a warning lick before he bites!



Also, no one told me previously about the Kitty Cat Dance video? I could've had this song stuck in my head months ago, people!

Your Head A Splode

Sometimes, for no good reason,
I find myself worrying that I might have a brain tumor
And then I wonder,
Is it the brain tumor that's making me think that?

Woah.





P.S. Hey, sweet! I just found a collection of "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" online.

Perma-wrinkles (haiku)

Frowning at my pants
If I didn't ever sit
They would look better

But what's really been going on?

Not much here. Other than one little trip to Target, we were pretty much shut-ins all weekend. You'd think with all that time at home, I would've tidied it up pretty well. Alas, it's only about 25% tidied, if that. Oh well. Sometimes you gotta just laze about, read, eat, snooze and not do anything overly productive on the weekend. The fee-on-say had good reason, what with the after-effects of gum surgery (poor thing!) and the vicodin and all that. As for me, I just felt kind of blah.

Is it common for old injuries, aches and pains to act up more when it's rainy or overcast and humid? Or is this just another sign of getting older? My "old fart knee" as I affectionately call it sometimes, has been feeling odd and achy these last few days, and my boss mentioned that his bad back has been acting up as well.

I don't know when exactly, (suppose I should document it for posterity) but I quietly made the decision recently that I'd start to slowly slowly taper off the head-meds (zoloft) again. No jokes, please. We'll see how it goes. Last time it didn't go so well, so I went back on as usual, but I may have been too abrupt with it, or it just wasn't the right time. I'm not promising anything, I'm just seeing how it goes. So far I feel relatively okay. I know I'm not a child or a very high risk I guess, but it's a little surprising how the doctor's office pretty much couldn't care less either way. They did stress that tapering slowly was important, but other than that, it's up to you, on or off, pssht - whatever, go home. This, and several other reasons make me think that it's probably time to move on to a different physician's practice. But I won't get into all that.

I can't wait to see what happens on Big Love tonight. That show is such a soap opera, and I'm hooked.

Puffy Eyes & Poems

Today,
I am puffy-eyed, tired, and just want
to read poetry that makes me
feel something
and think about you
But,
at least for now,
no more tears

Teenage Bun-Buns

Hey, thanks for rescuing me when I fell down your window well, guys. That was soooo embarrassing! I was so immature back then, uh, three weeks ago.


So ah, figured I'd just go ahead and help you out with summa these here dandelions (chomp chomp) - you know, since you guys aren't eating em. Is that kewl?

Oh and BTW, sorry 'bout all the turds. LOL, right guys!?

Fool Me Twice - or - No Really, It's Just The Top

Alright, I suppose I set myself up for this. I found what I thought was a cute, hint-of-cleavage-showing top at Penney's a while back. Now I know that some of you smart, fashion savvy ladies out there would've passed it by simply due to the implications of wearing something with an empire waist. Ohh, but not me. Apparently, I needed to learn my lesson. Uh, twice.

1st wearing: Future Mother-in-Law points out that even though she knows it's just a babydoll-style top, (at this point I cringe) she can't help but think of me carrying her future grandchild when she looks at me in it. Much baby talk, strong hinting and uncomfortableness ensues. At that point I consider never wearing that top again. But then...

2nd wearing, yesterday: I'm not planning on leaving the house much anyway, so I put it on again. I insist that J gives me his honest opinion on whether or not the shirt makes me look pregnant. He thinks it's cute and that I'm just being my usual paranoid self-conscious self. Well, I no more than stand in my driveway for ten seconds, and the neighbor lady walking by with her dog stops to chat, gets all big-eyed and asks if we're "expecting". "No, no - it's just the top" I respond flatly, folding my arms in an effort to cover myself up. "Oh that's the second time I've been wrong when I've asked someone that! It's those empire-waist tops!" "Heh, yeah." I brush off the comment and make small-talk as long as I can stand it, though I really just want to run back inside and/or die of embarrassment. Can't help but beat myself up over that one later for not knowing better, because the pudginess doesn't help my case (or self-esteem!) either. But for now, I will blame it on the top (shown below, except mine is just plain blue) and my failure to pick out flattering clothing. I must bid good riddance to you, my silly (albeit cute and inexpensive) fashion faux pas!

Favorite new show

My favorite, or actually our (yeah - isn't that cute?) favorite new show that's been running through my head lately is Flight of the Conchords. Have you seen this? It's really good stuff! I hate to compare it to anything because that won't quite do it justice - but I'll just say that if you're a fan of deadpan humor (e.g. The Office, Arrested Development), witty music parodies (e.g. Tenacious D), interesting-sounding (e.g. New Zealand) accents, or if you're just cool you will most likely dig it. Chances are if you've been on our couch recently we've shared this show (and possibly even some drinks & snacks) with you. If not, there are quite a few video clips that you can check out online if you're interested.


P.S. I totally looked up the proper usage of "e.g." versus "i.e." for this post, in order to impress all you fancy, highly-edumacated readers out there. Then I debated that it still didn't sound quite right and maybe I should just leave it out instead of risking it. Then I told myself to just shut-up and post this because that's beside the point of the whole thing anyhow. Ah, sweet nerdification!

The search continues...

Checked out another wedding venue this weekend, not sure if it's a likely candidate. One "plus" that they have is the BYOB policy, so we can supply the liquor, have their bartenders serve it and possibly save some money that way (we're trying to avoid a cash bar if possible, but it probably won't be possible). The negatives include: slightly out of town location, a gravel "parking lot" and the building itself (which is an old mill that's been renovated) looking from the outside pretty much like the surrounding buildings in that area - as in, ugly warehouse-like and/or abandoned. The room rental also isn't that cheap considering the above and that you have to rent place settings for $3.50 a pop. Plus, we both agreed that having a sign out front with "let us catar your event" just doesn't inspire confidence. Thankfully it didn't say "you're event" though - I think I would've screamed and run away at that point.

The suggestions were good for having a casual backyard wedding - our yard is just too small, and any family members who would have decent-sized property are a ways out of town. Still a consideration though. There are a few more places on my list that I want to visit - I'm trying to keep my hopes up. There has to be something at least halfway decent around here.








Of course, there's always the beach wedding idea - can't imagine what could go wrong there...

You mustn't touch

I know I have a number of somewhat silly hang-ups about things. One of them is personal space, and another is eating in the company of others. I may have noted in a previous post that I experience some displeasure and discomfort in others nosing in on whatever I'm eating. Sure, at home I wouldn't mind my fiance grabbing a bite off my plate or touching my food, we're cool like that - but with coworkers that feels like a boundary that just shouldn't be crossed. With one of my coworkers, I can blame this on two things: she happens to have a very inquisitive nature (she's usually interrupting you to ask another question while you're trying to answer the first one) and she never wears her damn glasses. So, say I bring something from a fast food place for lunch. Even if she's got something of her own, this is usually what happens:
Co: What'd you get?
Me: Oh, just a chicken sandwich off the dollar menu (shrugging as to promote the idea it's nothing to be too interested in.)
Co: Ohh. I haven't had that before, what kind?
Me: Just a fri-
Co: Lemme see it (rolls chair over to my desk, leans in about 3 inches from sandwich)
Me: (Feeling awkward) Yep, just yer basic chicken sand-
Co: Lemme see how much meat they put on it, what else is on it? (squinting and reaching for it)
Which mostly likely will lead to me slapping her hand away and yelling "Dude, back off! I am not lifting my buns up to show you my meat!" loud enough for everyone in the office to hear.
That'll teach her.

Distracted, discouraged, somewhat hopeful

Not to be a complainer, but... ah, fuck it - you know me. Lately I've really been making a concerted effort to get back into the wedding planning, but I'm still not getting very far. It just doesn't come as naturally to me as it does most women, that part that says "This! I want this and I must have it! I'm a princess, a pretty pretty princess!" Ok, maybe not. But I do need to get at least something in order, an' wit' a quickness. The few options that are out there are all getting booked for any of the decent dates next year. I'm feelin the pressure, yo. The trouble isn't just money - even though that is quite troubling - it's that I'm awful at making decisions, especially when I'm not that thrilled with any of my options. I know that sometime here in the nearish future, we'll be married. But right now, it just feels really out of reach and I feel just kind of stupid and bad about it. But that's just me. I've probably said all this before.

I've been seeing some really awful, like inexcusably bad, websites while looking for wedding vendors. Stuff that hasn't been updated in years, corny graphics from the 90s, the whole bit. Doesn't anyone check out business' websites these days? I mean, I'm not going to book something just by seeing it online, but damn, would it kill these people to put up some useful information? Maybe throw me a few decent pictures that aren't thumbnail size? It is at least somewhat representative of your business, no? Bah!

But it's alright.

So, how've you been? We should catch up again sometime soon.