Thinking in circles

I don't have much of anything interesting to tell you. But, I realize I haven't really been telling you much of anything. Because I'll go to, and then I think "Hmm, is this going to make me sound even more batshit bonkers than I feel?" Or, "Does everyone really want to hear about my female problems, my insecurities, or how much I love my cat?" But then again, that's just an example of how much second-guessing I do, to the point of ridiculousness. I don't know if second-guessing is part of the whole family of depression/anxiety problems - seems like sort of a protection mechanism that got way, waaay overblown somewhere down the line. I don't know how to explain it, other than it effects the most mundane day-to-day decisions. It effects important decisions too, but that sort of makes more sense than my thought process for mundane decisions. Like, when looking at a menu - usually something will sound good to me pretty quickly. But it takes me FOREVER because I have to second-guess this choice, and how much I might regret not getting something else, and didn't I just have chicken yesterday, and won't it be horrible if it sucks and I didn't go with some other choice, or will I regret not going with my initial decision? And all these stupid thoughts that DON'T MATTER because it's just fricking lunch and it's not the end of the world, and ohmygod why do I get paralyzed with indecision over a sandwich, for chrissakes?! But still. Imagine that kind of indecisive mental banter through daily activities such as selecting what to wear each day, which route to take to work, doing any kind of shopping, etc. and well, I guess that would bring you to the conclusion that: she must have too much time on her hands, but also: "wow, I see why you're always late and never seem to get anything done!" It's so stupid and trivial I shouldn't have even brought it up. Granted, I'm not like this all the time [Really! I can be "normal" too!], it just seems like I'm having more instances of "Wow, holy neurosis!" lately.

Which brings me to something I read recently on Jung's theory of neurosis:

"Jung's theory of neurosis is based on the premise of a self-regulating psyche composed of tensions between opposing attitudes of the ego and the unconscious. A neurosis is a significant unresolved tension between these contending attitudes."

"Although adjusted well enough to everyday life, the individual has lost a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose, and has no living religious belief to which to turn. There seems to be no readily apparent way to set matters right. In these cases, Jung turned to ongoing symbolic communication from the unconscious in the form of dreams and visions."

I haven't read a whole lot on Jung to say whether or not I'd agree with most of his theories, but that second part especially struck a chord. The thing about reading up on anything medical and/or psychological though, is that although I find it greatly interesting and at times helpful, I can too easily find myself identifying with symptoms that may or may not really be existent in my case. Hence, the being nervous and neurotic and whatnot. It's probably best to take everything with a grain of salt.

So, on one hand I feel like I've said too much and on the other it does feel a little better to actually get this stuff out of my head.

Yargh.

Nervous Overload

Dude. Snow has gone from "Tolerable but still annoying" status to "Fucking suck-ass, when is it ever going to fucking stop?!" lately.

Did I mention I'm not a big fan of driving? I mean, I'll do it as necessary but during the winter months especially I go into Nervous Mode, worrying about the drive to and from work. I try to tell myself that I've braved these conditions and worse before, that I should be extra grateful to have a garage so I don't have the added bonus of having to clean a foot of snow off my car in the morning and deal with frozen locks and crap like that. "But still!" I'll insist "The schools are closed and people are getting killed in accidents out there! AAAAHHH!" And then I proceed to incorporate awful morbid thoughts into my morning routine... You know, I don't even want to write those down right now, as I'll freak myself out and it just seems like bad luck. But trust me, they are just bad and ugly and unhelpful and not a good way to start the day. There's something to be said for intuition, but I think my anxiety sort of blurs that line because for most of the winter my gut would tell me not to go anywhere.

But, I worry! That's what I do! This isn't called Nervous Thoughts for nothing, right?! Oh, sorry - I didn't mean to yell and clutch at your arm like that.

Anyway, I made it to work safely (granted it took about 35 minutes to make a 15 minute drive) so I'll shutup and be thankful for that. And on the bright side it's Friday and no one else is here at work, so I can turn up the speakers and chair-dance all I want.

Whew, now don't get me started on Christmas...

T-day went over pretty well. The folks all got along, the food was great, and there were only a few minor complications. My dad was introduced to J's parents, and they seemed to do fine chatting with each other and my mom. (No religious debates! Limited hinting for grandkids (Um, look at the cute grandcat instead)! Only a few morbid discussions! Woo hoo!) I guess the only thing I wish I would've done better was be a better hostess. I mean, I wasn't rude (er, I hope not) or anything, and I did become more social and pleasant after having a drink (or two), but still. I just don't like that a) I get frazzled so easily and b)I don't hide it very well, which does not make me fun to be around. Really, there wasn't a whole lot of reason to get all stressed out - I was just assisting J in the kitchen for the most part - being the kickass cook he is, he did almost all of the food, including the huge delicious turkey. Plus, we only had 4 guests, all of whom are close family members - then again, it was all of our parents - together! So, I guess I really have no reasonable explanation for feeling that frazzled, other than wanting everyone to enjoy themselves. I do notice that when it's close quarters and there are people all talking at once that I do tend to get overloaded and just want to get away from everyone. Not just in this situation, but in general. I'm not sure if I was always this way (highly sensitive) to an extent or if this is a more recent development. It could be that I'm just not as used to it due to spending a lot of time alone or just with J these days. Ack! Human interaction! I loved seeing them all, but can't say I wasn't relieved when everyone went home that night.

Anyway, it was great having the long weekend to relax. I slept in and then made coffee every morning (which I never have time to do during the weekdays), read, and enjoyed lots of yummy leftovers (we still have more, even after sending lots home with the parents). So, altogether I really can't complain. Hope you all enjoyed yourselves too!

Tig Ol' Burkey

Ok, so I'm not freaking out about Thanksgiving. But I'm also not not freaking out, maaan! Because as you know that is what I do. Nah, it should be fine. It will just be J and I, his parents, my mom, my dad, the cat, and one huge-ass 30lb turkey. As you see, my mom and dad are listed as separate items but they get along fine for the most part, so no big worries there. I just need to keep the folks all chatting or otherwise entertained and not hovering in the kitchen. Think we can get them all to play Wii bowling or some sort of board game? Will we have to rely on the cat to provide the entertainment? Will the dads insist on watching football? Will the moms corner me with wedding questions/suggestions that I can't back out of? Will I be scolded for playing my music, even when it's been carefully selected for the present company? (I know, it's our damn house - but it's happened before.) Will J and I get obnoxiously shnockered in front the 3 out of 4 non-drinking parents? Will I be able to contribute an edible side dish and/or dessert? Will I get my ass in gear and clean the place up adequately enough before Thursday? I don't know, I don't know! Well, we'll just have to see.

So if I don't talk to you beforehand, I hope you all have a warm, happy Thanksgiving (and/or Spanksgiving, if that's what you're into.)

Salud!

Dads can be weird sometimes

I wonder if perhaps the best way to plan for a dad visit is to not plan so much at all. He doesn't often give a lot of notice, and insists on being vague about when he'll arrive and when he'll leave. This can tend to stress me out. It almost seems like he does it purposely so you can't say no. Leaves me feeling like I'm a bad hostess by having to ask "so... were you thinking of staying over, or... getting back on the road?" He'll say to just tell him if it won't work out, but it also feels like there's a load-bearing wall of guilt behind that statement. Like when he responds "sure I can find a... campground or cheap motel or something around there." I don't know. Maybe he gets just as uncomfortable as I do and just wants to see how things play out. Still, doesn't make it the easiest to plan around or prepare for.

So, this time I'm not really planning either. He's supposed to call my cell phone vaguely this afternoon, hopefully it's not when he's already waiting at our house. Nevermind that I'm at work, he doesn't know the new location, and it would be preferred that he didn't just "drop in" here. But, I don't want to over-think it like I usually do. Even though I inevitably will.

See, we have a history of some rather uncomfortable visits over the years, so I feel like I'm always expecting the worst. Probably not the best way to go at the situation, but it's hard not to. There's always some comment that sticks with me from the last visit, like how he wants to be happy that we're finally getting married but we did it all backwards by living together before marriage and all, etc. Ah well, at least he didn't throw in the old "women who sleep with men outside of marriage are whores." Ahem. Eh. The bad thing is, anticipating what he might say tends to make me all revved up to be defensive. I need to keep my cool. I know, I'm an adult and should stand up for myself. But it gets sort of pointless to argue. It wasn't always like this, and I hate to say it because it's worked for him - but the church he joined and the way it has changed him has sort of put a damper on our relationship. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells not to cause a debate or an unwelcome evangelizin'. Try to keep everything PG and PBS-like with dad. And definitely avoid getting the missionaries called in to tell us The Truth. Ok, see I am over-thinking it now and getting edgy. Just keep things light and positive, right? It'll probably be fine and I'll feel like a shit for saying anything. :)

Halfway There

Not that you need an explanation, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to write or to write and actually publish something because my inner critic just won't shut up. I wish that could be used to my benefit - to make me a perfectionist and really good at something. Instead, it makes me want to retreat and not do anything because I don't think it'll be good enough. Even the most trivial of things, like writing an email or a post or telling people at work that I have an idea. I second-guess, and ultimately just tuck it away and don't do it. I know, it's stupid and I'm having a hard time explaining it. So I'm just trying to type and not immediately go back and pick it apart. So what, ya know? It's my frickin journal to an extent and should be treated as such. It's not worth getting all fussy over. I've got to remind myself of that.

So, ANYWAY let's move on.

American Idol was sort of disappointing this week. I'm only slightly embarrassed to tell you that out of the guest coaches on the show, I was actually really looking forward to Bon Jovi week. Shit, who didn't love them back in the day? Well I guess you have to be of a certain age to appreciate it, like Jordin's MOM (I love how she pointed that out.) But then the performances just - well, left me wanting to hear better performances of those songs. Even when Bon Jovi performed, I was thinking "They're not even gonna ROCK? WTF?!" I kept waiting for that song to pick up and it never really happened. Bah! Plus the two guys that I kind of liked are both voted off now. I do have to say though, that even though I liked Chris and most of the song was pretty good (he even did a bit of a raspy voice thing there that I liked) there is no excuse for not putting all of your energy into the most badass line: "I've seen a million faces, and I ROCKED them all." Damnit if he didn't sing that like he rocked them all gently to sleep. Ah well. I'll still miss Chris and Phil, but I'm sure they'll do just fine.

The dieting is going alright. It's kind of depressing sometimes - like when you look at the amount of calories in everyfuckingthing - but we're also getting to try a variety of healthy foods that really don't taste all that bad. And getting some exercise - I can't believe I'm saying this - actually feels pretty good. But I feel like I shouldn't talk about it too much or I might jinx it or start sounding like one of those people, you know - those healthy types.

I can't believe that I actually sent my fiance an email yesterday concerning the status of our cat's butt. Seriously. I can only imagine the conversations that actual parenthood will cause us to have someday. Whoo boy!