So, then

"If this darkness came from light
Then light can come from darkness, I guess" *

Think I might be on an upswing as of late, and damn it's been a long time since I've said or felt that. So, yay me.

I had my annual cooter check uh, exam this week. Geez, most of the staff there could really give a shit about the patients. I know they get crabby, crazy, sickly people harassing them all the time, but when I am polite and friendly it would be nice to get the same in return. Or you know, to not be forgotten about after giving a urine sample (thankfully, they do have a little cabinet in the bathroom that you put the sample in, so when you come out you don't have to stand around like a jackass AND be holding your warm cup of pee.) But anyway. The NP I saw was really nice, and took time to listen to me and my complaints. So, the meds are being tweaked and my thyroid is being checked again, as it still seems to be a bit wonky despite the previous normal test results. Oh, and if I haven't given you TMI already, I also apparently have tilted lady parts - which I'm surprised no one's mentioned before, but sort of explains some things. Ahem.

J picked up Rock Band for the 360 last weekend, so we've been heh, rockin' out with that for entertainment. Though I can't toot my own horn too much as I've only done vocals so far. (Anyone want to hear me screech "Listen alla y'all it's a sabotaaaage"?) J's got mad skillz though, on guitar, drums and vocals. Have you ever heard the song Green Grass & High Tides? Good Lord, it's like 10 minutes long and most of it is one big-ass guitar solo. So, that's been fun. The cat puts his ears back and stares at us with a wide-eyed expression of both interest and horror, but yet he wants to be around when we're playing.


* From a Mason Jennings song. I've really been digging on him lately. He's folky, clever, and has somewhat of a Bob Dylan-esque singing style. But he's more than that - I'm no good at music reviews - he's just cool.

"These burritos are for my feet" said the truck driver who had no heat

• It was so cold and windy over the weekend that the winter weather advisory actually said "If you don't HAVE to go outside, please do not." We didn't, at least on Sunday when the windchill was way below zero and everything was a blur of white. I'm tired of winter, and having snow inside my shoes and/or socks. Gahhh. You'd think I'd have invested in some big ol' boots by now.

• I notice that when I use conditioner, it not only makes my hair soft (duh) but it also makes a gob of it fall out when I rinse. What's up with that? Is it weeding out the weak hairs (and why couldn't it just take out the sneaky gray ones)? It seems to happen with whatever kind of conditioner I use, even when I just use a dab and don't leave it on for any length of time. Weird.

• Do you ever have dreams where you kind of morph between watching a movie and being in it? I had some warped Star Wars dream recently, and I was commenting (within the dream) "Huh, I don't remember that effeminate guard putting on lipstick while he's supposed to be watching Princess Leia, nor do I remember the words "bitch" or "vagina" being used in the original Star Wars movie." (Though some people would probably say that's not much worse than the stuff they added to the remastered versions in more recent years.) HA!

Thinking in circles

I don't have much of anything interesting to tell you. But, I realize I haven't really been telling you much of anything. Because I'll go to, and then I think "Hmm, is this going to make me sound even more batshit bonkers than I feel?" Or, "Does everyone really want to hear about my female problems, my insecurities, or how much I love my cat?" But then again, that's just an example of how much second-guessing I do, to the point of ridiculousness. I don't know if second-guessing is part of the whole family of depression/anxiety problems - seems like sort of a protection mechanism that got way, waaay overblown somewhere down the line. I don't know how to explain it, other than it effects the most mundane day-to-day decisions. It effects important decisions too, but that sort of makes more sense than my thought process for mundane decisions. Like, when looking at a menu - usually something will sound good to me pretty quickly. But it takes me FOREVER because I have to second-guess this choice, and how much I might regret not getting something else, and didn't I just have chicken yesterday, and won't it be horrible if it sucks and I didn't go with some other choice, or will I regret not going with my initial decision? And all these stupid thoughts that DON'T MATTER because it's just fricking lunch and it's not the end of the world, and ohmygod why do I get paralyzed with indecision over a sandwich, for chrissakes?! But still. Imagine that kind of indecisive mental banter through daily activities such as selecting what to wear each day, which route to take to work, doing any kind of shopping, etc. and well, I guess that would bring you to the conclusion that: she must have too much time on her hands, but also: "wow, I see why you're always late and never seem to get anything done!" It's so stupid and trivial I shouldn't have even brought it up. Granted, I'm not like this all the time [Really! I can be "normal" too!], it just seems like I'm having more instances of "Wow, holy neurosis!" lately.

Which brings me to something I read recently on Jung's theory of neurosis:

"Jung's theory of neurosis is based on the premise of a self-regulating psyche composed of tensions between opposing attitudes of the ego and the unconscious. A neurosis is a significant unresolved tension between these contending attitudes."

"Although adjusted well enough to everyday life, the individual has lost a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose, and has no living religious belief to which to turn. There seems to be no readily apparent way to set matters right. In these cases, Jung turned to ongoing symbolic communication from the unconscious in the form of dreams and visions."

I haven't read a whole lot on Jung to say whether or not I'd agree with most of his theories, but that second part especially struck a chord. The thing about reading up on anything medical and/or psychological though, is that although I find it greatly interesting and at times helpful, I can too easily find myself identifying with symptoms that may or may not really be existent in my case. Hence, the being nervous and neurotic and whatnot. It's probably best to take everything with a grain of salt.

So, on one hand I feel like I've said too much and on the other it does feel a little better to actually get this stuff out of my head.

Yargh.

Nervous Overload

Dude. Snow has gone from "Tolerable but still annoying" status to "Fucking suck-ass, when is it ever going to fucking stop?!" lately.

Did I mention I'm not a big fan of driving? I mean, I'll do it as necessary but during the winter months especially I go into Nervous Mode, worrying about the drive to and from work. I try to tell myself that I've braved these conditions and worse before, that I should be extra grateful to have a garage so I don't have the added bonus of having to clean a foot of snow off my car in the morning and deal with frozen locks and crap like that. "But still!" I'll insist "The schools are closed and people are getting killed in accidents out there! AAAAHHH!" And then I proceed to incorporate awful morbid thoughts into my morning routine... You know, I don't even want to write those down right now, as I'll freak myself out and it just seems like bad luck. But trust me, they are just bad and ugly and unhelpful and not a good way to start the day. There's something to be said for intuition, but I think my anxiety sort of blurs that line because for most of the winter my gut would tell me not to go anywhere.

But, I worry! That's what I do! This isn't called Nervous Thoughts for nothing, right?! Oh, sorry - I didn't mean to yell and clutch at your arm like that.

Anyway, I made it to work safely (granted it took about 35 minutes to make a 15 minute drive) so I'll shutup and be thankful for that. And on the bright side it's Friday and no one else is here at work, so I can turn up the speakers and chair-dance all I want.