Why must I chase the cat?

Since we've moved in, our poor kitty has had a number of problems. At first, she seemed to adjust really well to the move. But I know it's always stressful for pets when there's a change to their environment. I thought, if anything, she'd be much better off here. We used to smoke in our little apartment, and now we have more room and don't smoke (well, I go outside) so I thought that would definitely be good for our cat. But she's lost her voice! Her mews and mehs just sound whispery now. I'm thinking part of it may be how dry it is from running the furnace or the fact that she hasn't horked up a hairball in quite some time, maybe it's lodged in there. She sounds like she needs to clear her throat. Then one of her ears was bugging her enough that she scratched it up really bad. Then she had a couple "accidents" so we took her to the vet. Poor kitty had an ear infection and a bladder infection. He didn't know about the lost voice or cough, other than suggesting x-rays. So, lemme tell ya - giving a cat 2 kinds of medicine is loads of fun! The antibiotic was banana flavored, which maybe is more enjoyable for a dog but was not appreciated by our cat, who made every effort to spit it out. Then the ear medicine. I can't blame her. Eardrops are bad enough, but greasy eardrops that have to be refridgerated must feel absoulutely disgusting. We're finished with the meds now and lately she's seemed like her normal self, other than the lost voice. She's playful, still trots and gallops from room to room, has a normal appetite, etc. She's got quite a bit of energy for being probably around 12 years old. So, I don't want to be a bad parent, but I really don't want to take her back to the vet for a bunch of tests either!

Send it off in a letter to yourself

It probably goes without saying, but I've felt a little blahhh lately. It's getting colder and darker outside. I feel the need to hibernate. And I'm craving corn. I don't know why - I just want some sweet, hot, buttery corn. Not popcorn though. At my last job, some people would microwave popcorn at every break and gab and bitch while chomping, often sending popcorn particles flying. Sometimes there were just too many dirty hands fighting their way into the popcorn bag. It just lost it's appeal. Plus, if you're not eating it, it kinda stinks sometimes. I don't know if it was the brand or what, but popcorn shouldn't smell like barf. Just my two cents.

Update: it's lunchtime and I didn't get my corn. Oh well. Decided on quick cheap Chinese food instead, as the boss and I both forgot or were too lazy to bring lunches. It's funny how every place will make the same dish a little differently. One of my good old standbys is cashew chicken. One place we go to will have it along with peppers, carrots and zucchini and will be in a brown sauce. Today's is with pea pods, mushrooms, water chestnuts (blech) and celery and is in that kind of flavorless snotty looking sauce. I was hoping it would have the baby corn in it, but oh well! Hmm, you know, as I sit here eating and typing.... it's really not that good. But maybe I'm more nauseated because the radio station is playing that medley from "Grease." Did I mention that for the most part, I cannot stand showtunes/musicals? Uggh. Must. Change. Channel. Oh no, "Old Time Rock n Roll" is on! What, are they trying to kill me? Alright, change it again. Steve Miller Band followed by Steely Dan. Yeah man... that'll work.

(Update: I did an image search for corn, and this was just so terribly cute, I had to put it up! There's more at baruchito.com)

Annoying dream

You know those dreams where you're running away from someone or something, but it's like you're trying to run through quicksand? It's really frustrating, no matter how fast it feels like you're trying to go, it seems you're always way too slow and the chaser is inevitably going to catch up.
This morning I had a variation of that type of dream, and I remembered that I had had this dream before. This one is about needing to call 911 while I'm in danger. Something bad will happen, someone's coming after me and I've only got a couple seconds to try to make that call. Sometimes as soon as I have that thought, I realize the phone has been disconnected or the wires have been cut. Sometimes I have my cell phone but either the battery is dead or it has no signal. Then there are times when I do reach a phone that is working, but something always goes wrong while I'm dialing. It's only 3 numbers - how hard can it be? But somehow my fingers will not cooperate! Rrgghh!
So, back to this morning's dream. I sat up in bed after hearing someone rattling the front door. It was just him and me inside, and it was the middle of the night. Then I heard a key clicking inside the lock and the door being pushed open. Even in my dream, my heart was racing. I woke him up and told him someone was in our house. We groggily and defenselessly went into the living room. There were about 6 redneck scuzzy-looking people walking around like they owned the place. I didn't know if they were violent, or just ignorant, or both. One guy with a cocky attitude and lack of teeth looked up and said "who the hell are you?" to us. At that point I started yelling at him "What? Who the fuck are YOU? What the fuck are YOU doing here?" Then this big lady stepped in. "Where's the people who used to live here? Where's so and so?" and J told them calmly that it was our house now and they'd have to leave. The lady then told us that they had been taking care of the previous owner's dog and it had died, so they brought it back here to be blessed before burying it. (???) Then I saw that the lady was holding the dead dog under her coat! She was getting beligerent, like we had made this an inconvenience for her. She and her people would not leave. Then they accused us of this not being our house and what had happened with the people who lived here before? I said I was going to find the number of the guy who sold us the house and sneaked off to find my cellphone and call 911. Of course, every time I tried, different numbers came up. 714, 817, damn it I need 911! But as I've said, in my dreams it hardly ever works. Finally I think I had dialed correctly, but when they answered, this guy just said "yeah". "Is this 911?" I asked frantically. "Yeah" he said in a smirking tone. "Sounds like you've had a bad day." Ugghhh. "I need an officer to come to my house" I whispered "we've had a break-in." After a long silence, the guy on the phone said "alright... yeah, I'll send someone over, but it's probably going to be about 20 minutes." I hung up. I was afraid that the people in our living room were going to attack us and I didn't know what to do. At least we were able to hide while they ransacked our house. The police did arrive shortly, although they were confused and not that helpful. The rest was kind of a blur. What an annoying, frustrating dream!

It snowed a bit...

May turn girlfriend into a sleepyhead

He got the call last night.
The call he didn't think he'd get until after Thanksgiving had come and gone.
The call so many had hoped for, but were too far down the line to receive.
The call that meant he'd be the envy of others who had waited hours upon hours only to come home empty-handed.
The call that reversed his disappointment and replaced it with giddy anticipation.
The call that meant countless hours of revolutionary entertainment.
I was sitting next to him when he got the call.
His eyes lit up and he said "I'll be there right away" and jumped up to grab his coat.
It was the call that said "Your pre-ordered Xbox 360 is here at our store."

I'm not even a gamer, but I'll admit it is pretty amazing. For some reason though, whenever I'm watching him play video games, especially ones with a lot of action, I tend to want to pass out. I don't mean that I want to pass out from excitement or fear - I mean that literally my eyes will start drooping, my head feels all groggy and I find it extremely difficult to stay awake. The next thing I know, I've got a stiff neck from passing out on the couch for a couple hours. I know there's a warning along with video games about epileptic seizures, but I've never heard of them just making someone pass out. Is this all in my mind? He has no idea how I can stay awake through some long drama/romance movie but yet will fall asleep amidst huge surround sound explosions and intense combat on the screen. It has happened at different times of day too, so it's not always just that I'm tired at the time he's playing video games. This happens with action movies too, I've passed out during "Batman Begins" and other movies with a lot of special effects. What up widdat? My little brain can't handle anything too fast-paced?

Well, we're having 5 people over for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Two of which haven't yet seen our new place. It should be a nice cozy gathering with lots of good food and company. I'm very thankful that he knows how to cook, and does it very well. I hope you all have a good time too and don't run into any bad traffic or family feuds. Take care.

Slowpoke

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm one of those people. One of those people that is LATE. Not extremely, like overslept or had a hangover late, but still technically late by a few minutes. Or one that just manages to make it on time, but rarely is early. I hate it. I didn't used to be this way, really. It adds to my bad persona of being irresponsible or a slacker. It's not that I don't care, but it still happens way more often than it should. Okay, so we had a quickie this morning, but I can't exactly tell that to the folks at work. I don't know what I can cut out of my morning routine. I've gotten my shower time cut back to about 7-8 minutes, which is good for me. I suppose I could start taking a shower at night instead of the morning, but that kinda sucks and then I don't feel as fresh. Then there's getting dressed. This is the area I could improve on. I'm way too indecisive and there are mornings that 3 different things are tried on before selecting one, which was usually the first thing I put on anyway. But still, no matter what I wear I always end up looking half-assed. See, it's not that I'm spending all the time putting together this perfect outfit, it's that I'm just trying to choose which one is the least repulsive. Then there's my hair and makeup, which really ends up looking like I didn't bother with it at all. But I do. And that takes me a few minutes just to look acceptable enough to leave the house. Then I check on the cat's food and water supply, grab some sort of breakfast bar, beverage and sometimes a frozen lunch item before walking out the door. Then I realize how late I'm going to be and try to drive a little faster than usual. But I don't drive defensively enough. I pick my lane and I stay with it. I go the speed limit in certain areas where I know they have speed traps. Even in "safe" areas, I only go about 10 over at the most. Lame. I've tried the old setting the clocks ahead trick, but I'm always aware of it so it doesn't make much difference. I don't know, maybe I should be even more lame and get myself to bed earlier. I can't believe the people that get up and actually DO stuff in the morning before work, like going to the gym or cooking an actual breakfast. How do you do it? Ohhh, you and your damn energy and willpower and strive to be early, do-gooders!

milk and cookies

Sorry for my lack of posts lately. I hate it when I leave something up for way too long and it gets all dusty and stale. But my boobs would like to thank each and every one of you for your suggestions and concerns. No really, my boobs would like to thank you personally! (I know, it's Thursday so I should have a picture, but alas, I do not). So yeah, my breasts are doing fine and without getting into the "too much info" details, it's kinda related to being on the pill and my body tricking itself into thinking it's preggers. Weird, but yeah.

So... winter pretty much has been broughten. It's kind of pretty with the big fluffy kind of snowflakes, but the wind and ice are what really sucks. Every year, you have to get yourself back into winter driving mode. Resist urge to slam on brakes. Hit icy patch and say "woah, woah, hey now... easy now, easy. No spinning out please." There are always quite a few accidents after the first snow. Most people around here agree that half of the drivers are going way too slow and half of them are like "yee-ha, I gots me some 4 wheel drive, I'ma do 90 on the highway, not afraid of no snow." For the first time in my driving years, I have a garage to park in and I'm so thankful! Of course now there's also a driveway to shovel, but whatever it's a trade-off.

So... we've finally watched a few episodes of "My Name is Earl" to see what all the hubbub is about. It's pretty good, and I like Jamie Pressly. She's great at playing the bitchy kind of roles, cracks me up and I think she's dang ol' purty in a differnt kinda way. She's also in a couple silly movies that I like - "Joe Dirt" and "Not Another Teenage Movie". But anyways, yeah - you guys were right, it's a funny show. I like "The Office" too, so that works out well since it comes on right after. I've got a lot of TV to catch up on, so I think the only solution is to take a couple days off of work (coughs weakly). But don't tell anyone I told you.

So... to review: boobs - pretty good, winter - not so good, TV - good, but need more time to get reacquainted in order to give an accurate review.

I don't know how

Lately, I feel about as interesting as a piece of cardboard. I've been too tired to think very clearly. I'm kicking myself for the stuff I didn't get done this weekend, but at least we did keep busy. It will stay that way for awhile, and there will be less time for me to feel worried and useless. So now, the feelings come back to me while I'm at work and it's quiet. It really isn't fair to myself or the people around me, but mostly I keep it subdued.
For some reason, one of my boobs has been tingly, sorta itchy from the inside the last couple days. What's up with that? It looks normal enough, and if it was a skin irritation from detergent or lotion or something, why wouldn't it affect both boobs? Who knows. Maybe it's a very late growth spurt... heh, I could hope but probably not. So yeah... just don't mind me if I have to grab my breasts more than usual. Good thing I usually don't have people very closeby while I'm at work.
Sometimes I think I'm almost a hypochondriac, but then I think that really I'm not, I'm just a worrier. If I was, I suppose I would want to be called a hypochondriac because maybe there would be some sort of relief in saying what my affliction was. I don't really want to know what all is going on inside me. I'm chalking it up to anxiety.
I don't think this is going anywhere worthwhile. Cardboard, I tell ya.

Girlish babble

I'm eating a vacuum-packed turkey sandwich for lunch from the gas station. I sure as hell hope this was supposed to be sourdough bread! Guhh.

We finally watched "Sin City" last night. We've had it rented from Netflix for about 2 months now. Anyways, it was pretty good. Interesting. A few things were a little disturbing or were just kind of ridiculous, but they managed to break it up enough so that it wasn't too painful to watch. It was really well done. And I'm sorry to get all girly here, but.... Clive Owen? My hero! Mrrrowww. So intense. And fucking hot as usual. Mmmm... bend me in unthinkable ways with those strong, steady hands. Press your weight onto me, making me lose my breath. Cover my mouth with yours. I can take it like a good girl. Let me push the hair out of your eyes so I can look into them while you.... ohhh, fuck. This is not a good time to get worked up. Ahem. Sorry about that.

In other not so noteworthy news, I'm a dork. I mean, I already was, but am becoming even more so. Blah. I'm afraid that I'm "letting myself go" and it aint pretty. It's bad when you spend all this time in the morning getting ready, and then look at yourself and say "damn, well...I guess that's the best I can do." I need a haircut, my hair is getting long and the layers now look a little too shaggy. Need to have it recolored too, I'm not sure if I will go with the "Champagne Blonde" or "Brazilian Brown" that I've already got at home. I could use a makeover. I look so untogether. I never have hip footwear or put the right outfits together. I feel frumpy and outdated. Then again, I don't like taking advice on what to wear. I just need to put more effort into it. Yeah, it's vain and shallow but it would help my confidence.

Must be under a ham & cheese moon...

Virgo August 23 - September 22
"Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold."

I just checked my horoscope on The Onion and for once, it is so like me! Hot Pockets are usually my microwavable lunch of choice. People may scoff, but come on, that's some good eats!

Homos! Err, I mean homeowners

It was a long and busy weekend of moving and cleaning. I'm a little tired and bruised, but other than that I'm feeling good.
I feel rejuvenated. I was juvenated before, lost it... and then got juvenated again. Rejuvenated!*
So now I have the motivation, I just need more money. Yeah, I know - who doesn't? I don't expect us to have top of the line things**, at least not right away, but there's so much I want to buy for the home. I'm thinking now about stuff that I never cared about before: decorating, painting, yardwork, gardening, snow removal, etc. So many things to consider, but on a budget that can't be stretched too far.
On another note, I find myself a bit depressed when I see the holiday displays and hear the Christmas music in the stores lately. Something about a time that is supposed to be so happy seems awfully stressful. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's difficult when the family is spread out, and no matter what - someone always seems disappointed. Really what I would like is to stay at home. I really don't like to travel, especially when the weather is shitty. Plus it's the first Christmas in our new home! While I'd like to just skip the season altogether, some bartering, arguing and crying is probably inevitable. Maybe for once it won't be that way, but every year there seems to be a big argument between my mom and I, and the whole thing sucks. Even when it's "your decision" really the only "right" decision is to do what your family wants to do, or else you're a selfish little brat. Ughhh, why am I getting into all this now? What a downer.
Well, I look forward to checking in on your blogs and will write and comment when I can. It just might take a little longer til we're all settled, have the computer set up and all that stuff.


* modified quote from Pootie Tang

**but we did get a fancy shmancy new TV!

Nervous much?

For a blog being called "Nervous Thoughts", I'm not sure how much I've actually written about being nervous. But I'd rather not change the title to "Thoughts of General Malaise" or something like that, although... hmm, I think I'll keep that one on the back burner.

So, what happens to you when you get nervous? For me, it can be any combination of these symptoms:

• butterflies, or in more severe cases, badgers fighting in my stomach
• clenching or chattering teeth
• frequent need to use the bathroom
• inability to eat, or eating too quickly
  
• shaky hands
• sweaty palms
• throbbing feeling in my head, tingly feeling in arms (raised blood pressure)
• being extremely quiet, or speaking too quickly to be coherent
• getting jumpy and skittish
• running my hands through my hair, pulling on my hair

Another one is how I walk while nervous. I'm way too conscious of it, therefore I imagine it can look quite unnatural, like I'm teaching myself to walk with unfamiliar body parts. Like I've suddenly got plastic Barbie legs. I don't know what they have now, but back when I was playing with Barbies, I think they either had the hollow plastic legs or the rubbery bendable kind. It was supposed to be cool to be able to bend Barbie's knees, but you'd sometimes bend them too far or your brother would bend them backwards, which would cause her to pop her kneecap and rip the "skin" open. Poor Barbie. First that haircut and then a permanent disability on top of it. Plus, she couldn't afford the pink Barbie Corvette and got laughed at for her yellow Camaro knock-off. Yeah, she had a tough life...

Anyways, I'm growing more nervous as we get closer to the closing on our house (tomorrow). It doesn't take much for me to get nervous, but in this case I think it's natural - it's a pretty big thing after all! At least part of it is just being anxiously excited more than being scaredy-pants nervous. Woo hoo!

Joy of doodling

I came across this doodle from 1996. Never was too big on painting. Or sketching. But doodling, man - that was my thing. Sorta was theraputic for me in a way. It's sort of funny how my perspective has changed in some ways, yet in others it has stayed the same. My old journals from that time look pretty silly now, but some of it really isn't all that different. But it's kinda good to look back and see that at the time, when I thought life was so horrible and hopeless, it really wasn't all bad. Not all the time. And I got through it then, and I will now. It'll be okay. I guess even when my emotions only seem to be varying shades of gray, I'm never very far from either end of the spectrum: dark fades into light, and not too good inevitably turns into not too bad.

Sick of Myself

I've got a winning combination of emotions today - self-loathing, disgusted, bored and horny. Don't you love when that happens? I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere. I just have to wait for it to pass and continue to be bland and predictable. I don't like it when I'm like this and I don't blame others for getting fed up with me. But I figured that at least here on this blog, I'm somewhere that I shouldn't have to pretend. Still, I wish I had something better to say! I think I'll just read your blogs instead.

Halloween Song of the Day

I can see why my oldest brother introduced me to Ministry by loaning me "12 Inch Singles" first. It's more synth-poppy and a bit easier on the ears than their later stuff, and has the angsty lyrics that I so enjoyed. Still a favorite from my small collection of industrial music.

Everyday is Halloween - Ministry

well I live with snakes and lizards
and other things that go bump in the night
cos to me everyday is Halloween
I have given up hiding and started to fight
I have started to fight

well any time, any place, anywhere that I go
all the people seem to stop and stare
they say 'why are you dressed like it's halloween?
you look so absurd, you look so obscene'

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

well I let their teeny minds think
that they're dealing with someone who is over the brink
and I dress this way just to keep them at bay
cos halloween is everyday
it's everyday

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
i'm not the one that's so absurd

why hide it?
why fight it?
hurt feelings
best to stop feeling hurt
from denials, reprisals
it's the same it's the same in the whole wide world

Bad radio

So, with the TV on the fizzle and most of our CDs packed, and due to sheer laziness, we've been listening to a lot of poop, err pop radio lately. I have my guilty pleasures, but damn, there's a lot of shit music out there.

- I could live without ever hearing that whiney-ass Frankie J again.
- Usher just pisses me off. Shut up.
- What's up with the new Black Eyed Peas song? I had to look up the lyrics and yes, she really is saying "lovely lady lumps" ummm, is that supposed to be the new catch phrase? Because all I can picture is your disease-ridden naughty parts.
- Neither of us can listen to "Gold Digger" by Kanye West without getting up and shaking our booties. In the privacy of our home, of course.
- Although she seems to be hangin with more homies lately, it appears that Mariah Carey has lost her soul. He corrected me by saying that she never really seemed to have one, and is more of an emotionless puppet.
- The "rock" songs they play are few and far between, and then it's just wussy bullshit like Nickelback and whatever the fuck all the other ones are called.
- I don't know why, but I like Ciara. She's freaky and I just find her funny for some reason. But I'd rather watch her videos to see her crazy dance moves.

I'm sure I'll add more to this list. What radio songs piss you off lately?

Flashback Friday

I wrote this last night. Sorry I don't yet have something more cheerful or um, good to share...
I've been going through my old notebooks again. It's interesting to come across things I don't remember and having all those feelings come back to me. Below is something I came across that I wrote about 10 years ago, and I'm guessing it was most likely written when I started taking Prozac. For some people, it can tend to have the side effect of making them more depressed and suicidal at first and I think that was the case with me. Then again, we have to consider that I was a teenager and thought I was "deep"....

I feel the fear that you call weakness. I live the popular lie of disillusionment, and even that gets old. But what I ask is, how can I believe in anything when my mind is only a clean blank slate for you to write your ideas on? Everywhere I turn, the beliefs turn into fear and I wonder why the hell am I here? In present tense, I just need something so I can sleep at night. Maybe we all do. And to believe in your non-beliefs would still be wrong to you if it was true, because they would be your words and not mine. The fear is always here, of a fate worse than death. So I turn to suicide so I can be in control, so I can get to me before you can. And it's not to say it's your fault, but your eyes are boring into my skull and now I'm thinking your thoughts because you have written them there. And what am I supposed to do? I just want to sleep at night and know that I'll wake up. And to get by in this world I have to believe in lies or else be persecuted from all sides.

more f****d up dreams

Let's recap the dreams I've had lately, shall we?

A few nights ago, I was dreaming about the new house. Everything worked out and we were settling in nicely. Then I went to take a shower, turned the water on and got in, and all of a sudden noticed that there was a section above the shower where the paint was peeled back and there was a hole in the wall. These nasty fucking earwigs (if you don't have them where you live, be grateful) started creeping out of there like I had awakened them. I got out of the shower to get some bug spray, but when I came back, they were literally hundreds of them pouring down the wall. It was fucking gross and disturbing. I woke up at that point.

I also had a dream recently about this girl I used to know. (No, this one isn't sexual, because in real life I really don't like her anymore). My boyfriend told me he had talked to her ex boyfriend recently and forgot to tell me that she had committed suicide. I was surprised because no one I've met boasts about themself as much as she does and because she's a mother of a young child. What could've happened to her life? Her ex boyfriend didn't seem too surprised by it though, like it was something that everyone expected. It was fucked up. I was trying to find an explanation, but no one would come out and tell me, and it was too late anyway. Really depressing.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Just a warning, this next one gets a little graphic.... but we're all adults here, right?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


The other dream I had was quite a bit more pleasant, or at least interesting, although strange. I was at some sort of nightclub with a lot of gold-ish decor. There was loud music playing, people dancing, and everyone was having a good time. Dancers were on the stage, grinding slowly to the music. I was getting drunk and felt sexy and powerful. I looked down and I was wearing a sheer black floor-length robe, heels and thigh high stockings attached to a garter belt. I don't remember what else, if anything, I had on. I settled into a chaise lounge type of chair and adjusted my stockings, slowly running my hands up my legs and letting my long dark hair fall into my face. My boyfriend and his coworkers wandered over, drinks in hand and visibly buzzed. He sat down next to me and we started making out, getting touchy feely and not caring who was watching. Our breath quickened and things became more heated. Without hesitating, I unzipped his trousers and found him hard as a rock against my hand. People around us were wooping it up, and we were putting on a show for them. All my inhibitions were gone, so I pushed him back onto the lounge chair and kneeled over him, sucking his cock while on all fours with my ass raised in the air. My lips and tongue worked around his shaft and I tried taking him as deep as I could, showing off for the crowd. He wasn't embarrassed, and sort of laughed, saying "See? I told you she was good." I lifted my head up for a moment and noticed that his boss was standing right next to us and was pulling on his own stiffened cock. It didn't bother us, and I smiled mischieviously, raising up on my knees to his level. I pulled him towards me by his belt, his erection poking out of the fly of his pants. With one quick movement, I had his entire cock in my mouth while I was being spanked by my boyfriend. I began alternating between the two until I was dizzy. It wasn't degrading, it was more a sense of confidence with being the center of attention. As you can imagine, it made for a sticky situation. (heheh)

I said they were fucked up dreams!

Monday night

Just when I was starting to think that maybe I've spent a bit too much time on the computer, and maybe I should perhaps move on to other forms of entertainment... Just when I was thinking of all the good movies to watch at any time on the DVR... Just when I decided to get back into "We Love Katamari" and was almost getting better at it... Our precious TV crapped out on us! Yeah, we've been TV junkies for a while now, so it's a disappointment. Ah, well I suppose the timing is just right. I need to get back into the swing of things and should be spending my time packing and cleaning anyway. But still... that's another expense we weren't expecting. Poop!

Reminds me of a quote from The Simpsons "The Shinning" episode:
"No TV and no beer make Homer... something something"
"Go crazy?"
"Don't mind if I do!"

Moving right along...

Ughh. Sorry about leaving that last (bad) post up so long. I think all the stuff going on has made me overly sensitive and crabby lately. But it's been a good, productive weekend and things are moving right along. There are boxes and bags all over the place and hopefully we'll be out of this apartment in less than a month. I need some sleep, but will post again soon. Hope everyone's doing well out there!

27 going on... 7?

Sometimes it's hard to tell you what I'm thinking. My mind's all a mess anyway. But even if I could figure out what I am and what I want to express, I can't picture anyone really understanding. I can't picture myself finding my group of people, like the bee girl in the "No Rain" video. I've been sort of associated with different groups before, but never felt like I really belonged. I guess that's why you've got to decide who you are and just put yourself out there without giving a fuck. I don't know how to act. I like to be alone, but I like attention too. I'd like to be interesting and not annoying. I don't think there is anything intriguing about me. People just assume they know me, that meek little doormat girl who you know wants to be your friend. Even though you don't really like her, you'll give her the time of day once in a while just to make you feel better about yourself. I don't know - I like sarcasm, I like abstract things, I like deep thoughts and poetry, I like people who make me stop and think and wonder. But I also sometimes wish that people wouldn't play these fucking characters. Just to be elusive and not let anyone get close to you or see that you have feelings. Maybe because when I was younger, I pretended to other people that things were fine when they weren't. Even though they probably knew anyway. And I wanted to be honest, but I wasn't allowed to. It would piss me off greatly when my mom had just gotten into a huge screaming argument with me or my brothers, but as soon as the phone rang she was all fake-cheery and laughing it up with her friends. I know there are reasons people do that, and it's usually to protect themselves, but sometimes I have to just stop sweeping stuff under the rug and pretending it's not there. Then again - I don't know, perhaps I would be a better, stronger, more respectable person if I didn't go around admitting my weaknesses and feelings?

Roll it up!

Have I mentioned that Katamari Damacy & We Love Katamari are just wonderfully trippy addictively fun games?! I'm not saying I'm good at playing, but it's enjoyable to watch too! (Ok, I'll admit it - I just can't deal with disappointing the King of All Cosmos if my katamari's not big enough - he's so harsh!) I'm listening to some of the songs off the soundtracks at work right now. Because really, who doesn't love Japanese video game music? Oh. Well, okay - maybe that's not the best description. You'll just have to give it a chance yourself! (Inebriation helpful, but not necessary for enjoyment.)

credit-shmedit

Hey! Here are some more reasons not to fuck up your credit if you still have the chance. When you do eventually get to a point in your life where it matters, the shit will come back to haunt you. Despite your know-it-all ex-boyfriend's insistence that phone bills won't count against you, and that you should put it in your name and not his, and your trust that he will help you pay it off after he orders a top of the line cordless phone, headset and answering machine from the goddamn phone company who you know charges up the ass for that, you will be the one responsible for it. Long after you've been broken up, changed residencies 3 times and years have passed. Yes, everyone makes stupid mistakes and does shit that their parents groaned about and told them not to, but when you get a little bit older and wiser, you'll realize "fuck! that was important!" as you are denied credit cards, loans, leases, etc. And these people don't want to hear another sob story about you being young and dumb and unemployed back then. Or about how you had a joint account at the video store and he told you he'd be sure to return those movies. They don't even want to hear about how responsible you try to be now or how you've gotten your life together. Suck it up and pay it off!

So, okay - you've got the money now, you've seen the marks on your credit report and you want to make amends. Is it too little, too late? Oh, no - it's never too late for them to take your money. But you would've been smart to pay off your original debt before it got turned over to a collection agency. Because you will have to pay them on their terms. Some of them try to make it as painless as possible, although just finding out if their company exists and is legit and has a telephone number is a feat of it's own. Once you call, they know they've got you where they want you. These are not real people, folks! Okay, perhaps they're real but they've been jaded by so many other dumbfucks like yourself that they could really give a shit less about you trying to clean up your bad credit and resort to reading their script like an automaton. The other tactic I love is that they will refer to themselves as Mr. or Mrs. - like you lowlifes better refer to them like you would a teacher or an adult with authority because regardless of age, you are not at their level. It's not Shaniqua, it's Ms. Brown to you! Ms. Brown doesn't want you to send a check but she will gladly take your account and routing number from your checking account, since you have proved yourself too stupid and untrustworthy to make the payments yourself. The money will be taken out on the day of the month that is most convenient... for them of course. Or you have option B - which I used with my one other debtor that I owed a very insignificant amount to. You can pay with a credit (ahem, ok - debit) card over the phone for the small "convenience" fee of $7.50. Sure, easy enough. Except for when you can barely understand this person who you are giving your important information to, and they can't understand you either. Four fucking times I repeated my card number before he read back the correct numbers that I gave him, and then he says "ok maam, now I'm gonna need you to read those numbers to me backwards" - oh come on, I think he was just fucking with me at that point! But you know, that's my punishment for not paying them for like, 5 years. So I've paid everything off at this point. One company did what they said and reported that it was paid. The other one tells me I have to pay another $7.50 "convenience" fee for them to send me something saying it's paid. Fine. Oh, but the computer can't generate that report right now, it'll take another week. So call back then. Yep. Exactly. That's what I get.
Grumble grumble.

Two Blogger B-days!

Did you know that it's both Lisa AND HemisphereDancer's birthday today?! What are the chances?! So if you haven't already, get to the well wishings!

In honor of our birthday Libras, here are a few horoscopes for them that I've come across today, take them as you will:

"You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine."

"Heavy weights can be a burden in the desert. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Unless you're talking about defecation..."

"Master the art of loving yourself -- cherish your imperfections and so will others."

Wow... and these were the better ones I found! Also, you two happen to share the same birthday as: Eminem, George Wendt and Norm MacDonald. Nifty, huh? Hope you both have wonderful birthdays, my dear friends! Cheers!

I'd make a good groupie

Like a lot of other people, there's a certain fascination I have with musicians, artists and writers. I'm not musically inclined myself, although I did uhh, used to sing but umm, err, *cough cough* don't do that so much now. The "group" I was in, in my freshman year of highschool is comparable to the "Getting Gay with Kids" joke on an episode of SouthPark. "We want to see teeth and smiles people, and don't forget the jazz hands!" But that's another story. As for any artistic talent, that's gone about as far as doodling for me. Writing, well - I'm working on that.

I can really appreciate the talents of others though, even though mine shadow in comparison. My boyfriend J (or as he sometimes likes to be called, Chubby Whites™) - happens to be ridiculously talented in all creative areas. (Yep, I'm gonna embarrass you honey) He plays acoustic and electric guitar, keyboards, piano, harmonica... and he writes songs and sings them well! I wish I could've seen him in his days of rockin the open mic night, but have been lucky enough to hear some private performances since we've been together. There's just something about a man and his guitar, so determined, pouring out his emotions, singing things like "she likes the taste of cum" (and no, that's not about me, even though there's nothing wrong with that). It just kinda makes your heart all fluttery. Plus he's an excellent artist, web designer, comedian and a friggin actor, too. Yep, he's just a disgustingly talented little bastard. But it works, as I am more inclined to be a fan than a performer.

Before him, I had a couple experiences with bass players, who are also pretty cool. They're alright with not being the frontman and they get that faraway detached look in their eyes that the ladies love. Very intriguing. Anyways, the point of the story is the song one bass player wrote for me. At least that's what he said. Who am I not to be flattered? It's in my girly nature. But get this, we had to listen to it on a tape in his car, and he wouldn't let me keep or copy the tape. All it was, was a couple minutes of a bass line. No words. No melody with a lead guitar, no drums, just the bass. I mean, bass is cool and all, but... alone, it doesn't really make a song. But it was the thought that counts, right? I can't remember, but I hope I didn't swoon and cry or something stupid that I probably would've done at that age. After all, he did blow me off for a 15 year old not too long after that. But yeah, he had a mohawk and a chain with a padlock around his neck, which he gave me the key to! No, that doesn't make him more cool? Well, that's ok - he didn't end up being that cool anyway. But we'll get to the story of my losing my virginity to him another time, perhaps. Anyone have a groupie story to share?

meh. bleh. feh.

I've been a worthless piece of crap lately at work, but somehow I don't think anyone will notice...
My head fucking hurts! Maybe it's the changing weather. I'm stuffed up, and whenever that happens, the whole right side of my head aches. The only thing that usually helps is drinking something hot or laying on my left side to ease the pressure. Lights are too bright, sounds are too loud, ack - all my senses get irritated. Ohhh, a nap would be so nice right now.
Shout out to the nice peeps who put up with me even though I may take a little while to write them back! It's always good to hear from you and get a little somethin-somethin in the old inbox.
Oh, and in regards to the house situation: it's still cool, I'm still excited, but I really hope neither of us gets electrocuted trying to fix anything in the future! I mean, I think that's only fun for a second before it would like, really really suck. Just a thought.


I would write more, but right now I can't focus. Blehhh!

more quizzes

I'll see your weirdness quiz....

You Are 20% Weird

Not enough to scare other people... But sometimes you scare yourself.

How Weird Are You?

....and raise you another quiz!

You Are 30% Boyish and 70% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine. You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you. A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down. But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Mmmrrmph.

So sleepy. It occurred to me that perhaps I wouldn't be in such a shitty mood all the time if I just got the right amount of sleep. It's getting darker earlier and staying dark in the mornings now. Grrmmph. So hard to get out of bed. So cold. Need to hibernate. Sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better in the morning is to lay on my stomach with one hip cocked so I can press my aching abdomen into the softness of the bed. And then I really don't want to get up. Stupid female reproductive system. I can't believe how unsympathetic women can be about something that only affects women. It must be nice, you cramp-free, low-flowin bitches! But I digress...

I dream about cars, too

Okay, alright. You want to hear about my unsexual dreams? Would that be more appropriate?
So another recurring dream that I have, isn't so much that it's always the same dream, but there are some of the same things in the background. You know, things that just seem part of life in your dream, but are nothing spectacular? For example, I commonly have dreams lately in which I am about to go somewhere and have 3 cars to choose from. The great thing is, I like to have variety and all of the cars are in good shape so I can just pick whichever one fits my mood. One is my first car, the Honda - all unsmashed and brought back to life in just as good of shape as it was 10 years ago. Then there's my Mazda, which is the newest of the three and in the best shape, but I don't want to drive it much so I can keep it nice. Then there's a Chevy Beretta which I have never owned in real life, but I've thought about it and for some reason I like them. I think mostly because on really bad snowy, icy days I would watch to see what cars got around the best, and I saw a lot of Berettas that had no problem getting around. And they're just not that cool, but not that lame either. So in my dream, I'm just happy to have these choices. Just like to have the luxury of having different options, and not having to depend on just one car. Usually I end up taking my first car, even though there's no stereo or anything fancy about it, there's just a special bond there. Does that say something about my psyche? See, folks? I don't ask for much! Most people would want something expensive and sporty and brand new, where as I have a fondness for mid-priced cars with average expectations. I also seem to want to root for the underdog whenever I have choices. Not that I don't appreciate the faster and fancier choices... I'm just weird like that I guess.

Dreams that were almost cool, I guess

*I don't want you reading this if you know me in real life, or if you're easily offended by slightly suggestive material, but they're just fuckin dreams, people. It's really nothing, so please don't hold it against me.*


Granted, I've been pretty fucked up this weekend. And granted, things are changing in my life right now and there's a lot on my mind.
But the dreams I've been having lately - what the fuck? The other night, I had a dream that I was on the run with 2 women. One of them I loved, and the other one loved me, but everybody didn't love everybody else. We stole this big truck and went to some factory and pretended we worked there so we could steal some shit. I grabbed 2 cartons of cigarettes, a big box full of different Kellogg's cereals and a big jar of pickles. What that's all about, I have no idea. But as we were on our way out, we got caught and it really sucked so my mind kinda stepped in and said "this dream is stupid. I'm ending it now." So really, it wasn't that cool.
Then last night, I had this dream that I was driving around somewhere I didn't know. There were a bazillion different lakes in this town, and it was very quiet there. I went into this grocery store and ended up being held hostage there for a few hours. It wasn't so bad. To pass the time, I went to the hosiery aisle and tried on all the different thigh highs and stockings and modeled them for the other people who were stuck there. Then I just left and it was no big deal. I drove around this strange town for a while and then stopped at some weird old place with a windmill. This girl I used to know was there, I haven't seen her since it was popular to have huge bangs and use tons of hairspray. Our moms were friends and we used to play together. We used to tell each other our secrets and talk about the boys we liked. I asked her if she was still as boy-crazy as ever, and she told me no, that she had decided that she really knew all along that she was a lesbian. And that it was difficult and lonely for her, living in a small town in the middle of nowhere. And I was all comforting as I half-hugged her from the side. My head sort of rested on her shoulder and she smelled so nice and sweet. Before I knew it, my lips had attached themselves to her soft, warm neck and my hands were in her hair. Her mouth was small, soft and shiny with pink lipgloss and I lightly bit her lower lip as we kissed. But that's as far as it went, and then I felt bad and apologized. I was giving her my cell number and again, my brain stepped in and was like "ehh, that's it, time to wake up" and I did, confused....

Regressing & Depressing

It stinks in here like burnt coffee. I didn't make it or drink it, but I will try to clean out the sludge that was boiling on the bottom of the pot.
I'm tired of being told that I look tired. I am tired, and no amount of sleep would be enough to fix me. Maybe I just look like shit, and it's not that I'm tired at all. Maybe I need to take some iron supplements. Whatever.
Advice over here, advice over there. I just don't want to get screwed out of lots of money that I don't have. Everyone has their own ideas for other people's lives. It all looks so simple from the outside, when you don't have to live it. I don't know anything and I don't want to talk about it.
Sometimes you realize that nothing will ever be right, because you won't let it be. Something will always be missing, and it's all in my head. I tried to be happy for a little while, and it made me sad. Because it's really bad when something good happens to you and no one wants to hear about it. Or there's just no one to tell. When have they ever been happy for me? You people that I don't even know can be happier for me than people in real life, and that's sad. I don't have any girl friends or girlfriends, for that matter. I'm jealous. I want to live vicariously through others.
Sorry.

Spooky talk

So, you know I've been on the topic of getting a house lately and I don't want to bore you too much with that. So here's something everyone can identify with - have you ever felt the presence, or been spooked by previous owners of the home? Do you believe in the paranormal? I've heard lots of stories from people with older homes, who truly believe that they are haunted. I don't get that feeling about this home, and it was only built in the 60s, but still... can a house be haunted even if no one died there? Why do so many people tell me that the ghosts they see are children? I don't know much about this kind of stuff, and try to take it all with a grain of salt. It just seems like everyone has a ghost or paranormal story of some kind, so I'm putting the topic out there for discussion. Seems fitting with it being a chilly October day, too!

Time for a quote

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

-Anais Nin

On the road to home ownership...

Yeee-haa!

Either way, someone won't be happy

I kind of feel like I'm going to throw up, but other than that I appear to be not going completely crazy. That's usually the way it is, I will freak out about the little things and then when it comes to real things I feel oddly calm and detached...

No, wait - I am freaking out!

My mom didn't really need to remind me of what I need to worry about. Doesn't she know that's what I do, is worry? I can't remember her ever being really behind me in any decision I've ever made. Well, that is, on my own... if it was a decision she was involved in making then it was okay. You know, like "it's up to you, but..." and you know the only right choice is whatever it is they want you to choose. I know, people just generally want to influence me since I am so easily influenced, and they mean well mostly. At the same time though, it further promotes my feeling of being immature and helpless when they do that, and I let them. I know I'm to blame. I don't want to look back at my life years from now, and think of all the things I didn't just put my foot down and do, for me.

more later.

Another time

I know, I know - I just keep posting lyrics. But I keep getting these words stuck in my head, and my own thoughts are too scattered to put into my own words right now. There are things I wish I could write, things I wish I could tell you. Wish I was better at expressing myself, thank God for music.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

"Get a leg up on the pile"

We've outgrown this place. Almost every day there's a reminder that we don't belong here, and it's just getting worse and worse. I'm hoping a change of scenery will also improve my general mood and way of life. I can't get my hopes up too much and jinx it, but it would be amazing if we ended up in a HOUSE in the very near future. I'm just imagining the things we'd say to each other, that you just don't hear until you're a homeowner, like:

"I think it's in the garage"
or
"I'll just do this load of laundry while we're waiting"
or
"I'm down here, in the basement!"
or
"Sure, you can stay with us, we've got room at our house"
or
"How are we gonna make our fucking mortgage payment this month?"

You know, stuff like that. Would we become like the people we work with, who look forward to the weekends solely to complete a DIY project? Would we say stuff like "equity" and "interest rates" and "Home Depot"? Eeeek! We'd almost sound like grown ups!

Check out this reference to mortgages on homestarrunner.com!

big meanies

Sometimes people say or write shit that is so mean and so deeply insulting, you don't even get mad. You don't even want to argue. It may just hit you the wrong way, and other times you wouldn't care. And you don't want to show that you do care, so you turn away so no one can look at you. But your heart has dropped into your stomach and given you that sick feeling, and there's this heat rising up the back of your neck.
And you'll think of an appropriate comeback, 2 days later when it doesn't matter anymore. That's just the nature of things.

Nonsense

My mind is in the clouds. I'm a dreamer. My hopes will build up so high, they are destined to fly away like a kite that's lost it's string, destined to get tangled in a live wire and burn to a crisp. And all I will have left is what I began with, a dream.
I'm still not sure what exactly it is, or what I would do if it came true. So I tried to stop thinking about it. I don't want to have to seek it out this time. It should happen naturally. It's this partially finished puzzle that's been sitting out for 10 years collecting dust. I keep trying to put the wrong pieces into place because I want them to fit so badly. But it'll never be finished. As many pieces as I take, I give as many away. My edges are frayed and worn from trying to fit where they don't belong. Perhaps I could learn how to take your shape, and find somewhere we could both fit into place.

different camera, same crazy look

Still not much of a photographer, as you can see.
My cat looks like she's posessed and has something to say!



I can't help but look like a deer in the freakin headlights. But eh, that's what I'll put up for now, until I can't stand it and take it down. Seriously, I freak myself out.

Random oddity

On my way home from work today, I was behind this early 90s red Buick. On the back window, neatly centered, was one lone bumper sticker. In a delicate white scripty font it read "I'm A Cock Sucker" - I had to smile.

Good songs for sad days part 2

Between the Bars - Elliott Smith

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now and forget all about
The pressure of days, do what I say
And I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head

People you've been before that you
Don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again, between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there, with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Seperate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

People you've been before that you
Don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Silly post #108

Ever embarrassed yourself not by saying the wrong thing, but saying the words incorrectly? There are some words that just make me giggle when they are mispronounced. I'm guilty of this too, sometimes the first time you see a word you just get it in your head how it would sound, and even after you're corrected, it's hard to forget. It wasn't that long ago that I said film noir as film no-eer or pronounced wanton as won-ton but hey, those are words I don't often use!

I always thought it was funny that when my dad says white, it's like he switches the w and the h around and says "hwite" - I don't know, maybe that's old school.

My favorite mispronunciation came from a lady I used to work with. She was known for this, or just using the wrong words. Like I don't know how many times when listening to the radio she said "Ooh, that's Jason Timbaland!" and I would say "Goddamnit, it's Justin Timberlake, I told you that 5 minutes ago!" But the best was when she was making a comment about having a big butt, and trying to say derriere but said "my big di-ah-ree-er" which just, you know, doesn't sound good.

Where it stops, nobody knows

Monday. Bleh. Work to be done and all that crap. Had stuff I wanted to write about, but that will have to wait a little bit.
So, Jim's gone (from It's Jim), and seems as if he's pretty sure he's not coming back. He will be missed. Did something awful happen, did something wonderful happen to make him do away with his entire blog? Will he change his mind? I don't know. I thought you people knew you couldn't leave the friendship/support group thing we have going on here! Okay, okay you can leave - we just like to know what's going on. Hope everybody is doing well.

By the way, the new Death Cab for Cutie album, "Plans" is pretty fucking cool man! It's good for that quiet, reflective, thoughtful, tears falling into your coffee kind of mood. In a good way.

"Say A Prayer for Texas"

I'll be thinking of those of my southern blogger friends, especially Blush and Dave. You're some wonderful folks and I hope you're all somewhere safe. If SayUnderpants isn't back from her cruise, I hope she's made it safely away from the danger.

You know I worry - it's my thing.

I love you people!

Boobs can't always be free

I had this idea that perhaps I should carry a spare bra around with me.

I've got plenty in my drawer that aren't getting much use. What can I say? You know, if something's on clearance and well, it's pretty close to my size....eh, it'll probably work. Or that's what I tell myself. I don't want to try it on - hell no! It looks like it'll fit, what, should I hold it up to myself and look in the mirror? Eh, fuck it, I'll buy it anyway because it's cute. And then it sits in my drawer and doesn't get worn, or it gets worn once and I either have a bad day of strap-adjusting or boob lifting, or I have trouble breathing, and it gets tossed back in the drawer. So why do I buy bras that might not be my size? Sometimes it's a matter of wishful thinking. I guess now, finally at the age of 27 I should accept the fact that my boobs probably aren't going to keep growing, ya know? I mean, they're a good handful, but my hands are pretty small. The other thing is that even though there are universal charts for measuring your bra size, all manufacturers seem to vary. I personally like the ones that run small, so I can buy the next cup size up, look at the cashier like yeah, that's right!

But anyways, why in the hell would I carry one of these spare uncomfortable bras around with me? Well, simple: there are women out there who desperately need them, and they might as well be put to good use. You know a woman's in a bad way if she's got nips the size of cocktail weenies that are just hanging out under an ill-fitting shirt. The kind that make you sort of grimace and try not to look like it's bothering you. It makes me sad. I don't think it's on purpose. Going bra-less in the summer, wearing a halter top or tank is one thing if you've got small boobs, but this just aint right. And twice at my new job, women have come in asking me for something or other with this problem. This goes along with another story I have about people off the street being drawn to me because I'm a target for the homeless/mentally ill/crackhead type (and as you remember - anyone selling anything). I'm really not the type that doesn't care about these people, and I'm not trying to be insensitive. Other people have told me to NOT give money or anything to these beggars, but since I'm not using these bras anyway... I could at least offer the ladies some uhh... support?

Good songs for sad days part 1

"A Lack Of Color" - Death Cab for Cutie

And when i see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged
That there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry, lover
It's really bursting at the seems
Absorbing everything
The spectrum's a to z

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone

To call at 7:03
and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
But i know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay [x3]

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years

New cam - still getting the hang of it

"Misdemeanor" Muffers

Being blessed by the cat

Creepy laundry room

Skanks a plenty

So the other day this little boy came running up to me and said "Hey, hey lady! Do you have children?" and I was kind of like "No" like he should know that. But then I realized I'm the only one my age around here that doesn't have a little kid running around. Our building has become a popular place for some skanky baby-mommas and all they drama. What really pisses me off lately is when they sit outside on the front stoop (I can't even call it a front porch, it's not made to look inviting) ignoring their kids, being loud and blocking the entranceway. That's nice, so you can't just go about your business without having to cross these people. The newest neighbors have a little girl whom I've introduced myself to, but her "parents" are unlikely to give you a nod of recognition. I have no idea which baby daddy is which, but daaaang, these girls like some nasty dudes. Here's some examples of baby daddy requirements:

• must have truck that needs to be worked on and makes a lot of noise
• must get into verbal arguments in the parking lot about visitation rights
• must be shirtless or wear sleeveless shirts and baseball hats
  
• must have at least 3 creepy friends to come along when visiting the baby momma
• must be at least partially redneck or whiteboy-thug

So, just another example of apartment life at it's finest!
I don't want to get paranoid, but that's what I do. I keep smelling something weird that's like the chemicals in a perm or sulfur. I can't figure out if it's just our nasty water or our nasty neighbors.

My 100th post = ehh, same old stuff...

Alright. Here's a recap of the blog so far, in case you're new around here and didn't catch season one of Nervous Thoughts. I went back and reviewed my archives to give you an example of the types of posts on this blog:

• 21% personal stories/memories/dreams

• 19% pictures

• 16% attempts at humor

• 14% nonsense
  

• 13% observations

• 8% depressed stuff

• 8% work stories
  

Yep, I nerded out like that. But I'm not making a pie chart.

Here's something cute to look at, though - the red panda! It's about time to start working in some of these zoo pictures from 2 years ago.

Almost

Do you ever have dreams that start out as uninhibited and incredibly hot, then twist into something completely lame? Well, it's quite frustrating. Or do you ever end up being rejected in your dreams? How bad is that, when you're rejected in your own fantasies? It happens to me sometimes, but that is probably because I am messed up and even my subconscious knows that.
It's always the leading up to it that's the exciting part, but then before anything happens something ruins it or it morphs into another dream.

This can't be right

Your Seduction Style: Sex Pot

Tradionally known as a "siren", "rake", or "femme fatale." You exude sensuality. And while your sexiness is part of what makes you an incredible seducer... Your ability to make others feel sexy is what really makes your seduction skills shine. Most people don't feel attractive or desired enough - a need which you tap into. You have the ultimate sex appeal, and getting attention from you is a total self esteem boost. Your confidence is contagious, and you help others unleash their own sexuality. Your sex pot seduction skills are so intoxicating that you can get away with... well, almost murder. Lovers feel like your sensuality is in your blood, so it's only natural if you flirt a little. And if you stray, that might be okay as well - as long as you make your lover still feel hot.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Bad Combination

Me
+
alone
+
hormonal
+
fucked up already
=
bad blog post

Oh, and I have no idea what I'm doing with PhotoShop.
And yes, this picture is very unflattering.
Nope, the new camera didn't show up.
Damn.

Getting closer

I've been tracking my online purchase and I'm thinking it might even arrive today! I rarely buy myself anything really nice, (which, in my case this is more than I would normally spend) so I hope that it's worth it. Anyone out there have this camera? Reviews?


So you know what that means! I'll be posting more pics soon. Of what, I do not know yet...

Not too surprised

Your Inner Child Is Scared

Like a kid, you tend to shy away from new experiences. You prefer what's tried and true - novelty is scary! New foods, new places, and new friends are difficult for you to deal with. Some say you're predictable, but you enjoy being comfortable.

How Is Your Inner Child?

I'm not normally big on taking quizzes, but this one kinda goes with the territory. Let me know what you get if you take it.
I'll be hiding under the covers.

The rain and the brain

Does anyone else get the sinus pressure headaches, especially when it rains? Barometric pressure and whatnot. Yesterday, the whole right side of my head hurt and was stuffed up, and now it's aching and stuffy on the left side.
So, a sort of related story. I was reading about a claim today in which the doctor made an incision in the right side of the patient's brain before he realized it was supposed to be the left side. I can just picture the surgeon in the operating room, though. "Now when you say left side, do you mean my left or his left?"

Skin Care

So, last night we were at Target (by the way, I found this blog dedicated to being obsessed with Target - how cool!) and I was seriously considering some new face care products. Yes, I realize this may be pretty boring to the guys out there, or anyone for that matter. Bear with me.

I've never had an actual facial. I write this and chuckle. Shut up, you know what I mean. Speaking of which, I am SO glad that the time my mom was over and we were looking for a picture on my guy's computer, she didn't ask what the folder titled "facial" was for. Heyyy-O!

Alright, out of the gutter. So it seems like lately the big hubub is all alpha-hydroxy this and microdermabrasion that. I am getting older, and I don't know where to start. Those microdermabrasion kits are kinda expensive and look like an Acuvibe for your face. They come with some exfoliating scrub and some sponge applicators that you put on the vibrator thingy and then go to town on your face. They claim to take about 10 years off. I saw a makeover show recently where someone had this professionally done, and it is really like they just sand off a layer of your face. It did give that person a nice healthy glow, but damn. Don't forget that I'm cheap. I already have lots of half used skin care products that didn't do much of what they said. Would it just be the same if I used some gritty face scrub and scrubbed really hard? Or if I just used some sandpaper? I'm not ruining a perfectly good vibrator with that stuff though.

Speaking of skincare, don't you love that commercial for ProActiv with Jessica Simpson? "In my videos, they had to go in and digitally *fix* my face" but it sounds like that quote was digitally *fixed*. And I love it when she does that pouty little girl look and says "my skin needed to be disciplined." Fuckin...Anyway.

Speaking of skincare and masturbation... At one of my old jobs, I had a couple crazy older ladies ask me how I took care of my skin. (Not even MaryKay reps either this time!) Uhh... I take birth control pills and use a gentle foaming cleanser? Well then one of them wanted to write down what products I use and what makeup I wear and all that. The other lady (on a separate occasion) told me that washing your face is the worst thing you can do for it. So she would just smear her face with vaseline instead. I didn't take her suggestion. She said another thing that was good to use is a Waterpik with really cold water blasting on your face. She then tells me the Waterpik is also good for personal pleasure when her husband's not around, wink wink. And yes, this was all at the drive-thru window. I was repeating this story later to my boyfriend and mixing up the details and told him "this old lady told me to masturbate with an icepik!" A look of horror came over his face and I realized what I had said. Oops.
Well anyway, I didn't buy one of those sanding kits. Sweet, tired, wanting-to-get-the-hell-out-of-Target boyfriend said "all you need to do to look 10 years younger is to smile" Aww.

Mom said a bad word!

When I was growing up, I never heard my mom swear. She was the type that would say in a moment of frustration "Oh, dang!" or "Geez!" and would even give us the evil eye if we said "Oh my GOD" as that was taking the Lord's name in vain, and we better not have dared to say "Goddamnit." She still holds a grudge against Eddie Murphy because she somehow saw a comedy special of his in the 80s where "every other word was the F-word".
So nowadays, I think it's hilarious to hear my mom swear. It's sort of like she tried to shelter me so much that I feel like sheltering her now, like she doesn't know that these words even exist. But she's come around quite a bit and will allow herself to occasionally say "shit" or "bitch" and has even been known (in rare circumstances) to drop the f-bomb - in a hushed voice of course.
Now my guy on the other hand, grew up in a family where swearing was okay. One of my favorite stories was about how when he was in elementary school, his mom got a call from the principal because her son had said "fuck". As it was more common at the time, they were going to give him some sort of corporal punishment. I don't know if it was with a paddle or what. But they called his mom first, who responded with "you're not going to lay a fucking finger on my kid!" and came to pick him up. Yay mom! Fuckin A!
Still, even now I cringe if he happens to swear or say anything inappropriate in front of my mom. His humor is great, I love it, and it's never anything directed at her or said in anger, but... I nearly died when he was telling her about the show Deadwood and how they say "cocksucker" all the time. The word cocksucker came up about 5 times in that conversation and led me to give him a fierce elbowing when she wasn't looking. But my mom laughed and everything, so maybe it's okay as long as he's saying it and not me. Maybe he's trying to test her. The other day she was commenting on a restaurant that was called BD's grill or something and she said she wondered what the BD stood for. He says "I'm guessing it's not bondage & discipline" which was funny but again, I wanted to be swallowed up into the ground. She laughed though. I guess now I'm the prude.

Bitter Restaurant Banter

How long are you willing to wait for a table at a restaurant?
Yeah, I guess it depends on how much you want to eat there, like if you know it's going to be awesome and worth it, I guess I can see waiting for it.
We don't live in that small of a town, but not that large of one either. It appears that we have a decent amount and variety of restaurants in the area. But trying to go out on a Friday night is ridiculous. No one takes reservations and everywhere is packed. But still, we were in good spirits and felt like going out.
So we tried for probably the 5th time in the last couple years to go to the stupid Outback Steakhouse. Every time we go, there's a helluva long wait, people are lined up outside and shit. We figured it must be pretty good, considering it's always packed. This time there was a 20 minute wait, and we found that reasonable. We sat at the bar and observed the hokey boomerangs and koala bears stapled to the walls. He got an overpriced beer. It probably ended up being about a half hour before they set off our little pager thing to let us know we had a table. Then we go up to the hostess stand and the two hostesses are doing nothing but singing along with the music and are like "oh yeah, you're table's being bussed it'll just be a few more minutes" which is sort of like, why did you call us up here then, bitches? But anyways. They finally take us to one of those crap tables that has an uncomfortable chair on one side and a backless bench on the other. Fine. We're both quite hungry and start perusing our menus. After just a minute, he looks at me and says "I don't know about you, but I don't think I want to eat here." I figure he's overreacting, and we can find something but when I look at it - he's right. There are some really lame ass choices and WAY overpriced for what you get. Your choices are a steak for $12.99, a different steak for $15.99, another steak for $17.99 and some other lame crap like fettucine alfredo disguised under some aussie name. Wow, how authentico! No sandwich options either, all overpriced entrees. Yeah, we might sound cheap and in some ways we are, but you just get the sense of how much chain restaurant food is really worth and can't bring yourself to pay that much for food you could make better yourself and not have to be in a craptacular environment. So he finished his beer and we told the waiter we were leaving. He didn't seem surprised at all like this must happen a lot. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Unfortunately, we went to 2 other restaurants that had 35-45 minute waits before finally going somewhere that we could actually get a table.
I don't even expect that much out of restaurants, but damnit, there's another one to cross off the list!

Overanalyzing a fortune cookie

Our most recent chinese food experience left us with this fortune to ponder:

You have tasted the bitterness as well as the sweetness of coffee

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but this doesn't really even qualify as a fortune, now does it? I am not enlightened. It has not predicted or suggested anything. It's just like "yep, here's a random statement".
It's not even any better if you attach "in bed" to the end. It would be more deep and vague if they just left off the "of coffee" don't you think?
This makes me wonder if perhaps the guy making up the fortunes was having a rough morning reaching his quota. Not much sleep the night before, boss was on his ass to make a deadline. Maybe someone came up and asked if they could get him anything, and he said "a cup of coffee" and then later realized "oh shit... not again! I gotta start proofreading these damn things! No more talking while typing for me!"

Or are they saying there was bittersweet coffee in our chinese food?

Retro-pervy

Here's a song that I remember from the 80s and always liked, but if you listen to the lyrics it sounds like a pervy old man trying to get some hot teenage poontang... at least he's trying to be romantic about it though. I can understand it and all, it just makes me wonder where all the sugar daddies were when I was 16? Oh, I'm kidding.

"Into the Night (If I Could Fly)" Benny Mardones
She's just sixteen years old
Leave her alone, they say
Separated by fools
Who don't know what love is yet
But I want you to know
If I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you've never seen, ever seen

It's like having a dream
Where nobody has a heart
It's like having it all
And watching it fall apart
And I would wait till the end
Of time for you
And do it again, it's true
I can't measure my love
There's nothing to compare it to
But I want you to know
If I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you've never seen, ever seen...

A "Blog-Con" in my mind

What if we had some big blogger convention? I know, I'm a dork. I can just picture us all in some big convention center with our little "Hi, my name is" stickers on, with our blogger profile names. So I'd be like "Oh, look over there! It's SayUnderpants, awesome!" and she'd be like "but I have a real name, and you already know it" but I'd still want to call people by their blogger names. I'd try to hug all of you people that I read and comment back and forth with because I love you in a non-creepy way! It would be so cool. Or I would just be a wallflower, I don't know. I hope you'd talk to me...
I'd find out where Dave and Dwight were hanging out cause that's where the laughter and goodies would be. Yossarian would be nowhere to be found and people would be asking about him. "Oh, I thought I saw him with XTX... no maybe he's with Blush... no, maybe they're all together and they didn't invite the rest of us!" Damn!
And of course I'd want to hang out with Lovely Lisa who I'm probably closest in geographical location to, plus we could giggle and talk about boys and music and stuff.
There would be plenty of booze and smoke and snacks and music and all that good stuff. But then maybe we wouldn't want to blog about it afterward because the mystery would be revealed and it wouldn't be the same. Then again it's just a crazy idea that I am imagining because I don't have a lot of friends in real life. Don't worry, I'm not a stalker, just a dork.

But yeah, it would be sweet. Mingle! Make awkward comments! Talk amongst yourselves!

*if I didn't mention your blog, don't be offended - it's not that I don't think you're wonderful too, it's just I either don't know you as well, I don't know what to say, or I'm trying not to embarrass myself further...

ill communication

I'm a procrastinator. I don't know exactly how long I've been like this, but somewhere along the line it got out of hand. And of course, instead of really doing something about it, I'm going to blog about it!

But, do you know how it is? When you haven't talked to someone in sooo long and you just don't know where to start? Are they going to be happy to hear from you or is it too late to make up for lost time? They're still there in your mind, you think about them quite a bit more than they think you do. You want to call, you want to write, but... you just put it off a little longer.

With me, this usually refers to family members. I know, staying in touch with the family is a good and responsible thing to do. Our family has a bit of a problem with communication though. I think that can be okay, as long as everyone accepts it. Like some families I know don't spend a lot of time on the phone with each other and only see each other every few months, but everyone's okay with that. In my case, it pisses people off and hurts their feelings. But you don't know my family! My older brothers have been known to take off without a trace for months at a time, but it's not okay for me. It's too much to explain here, but we're big on the guilt trips and not coming out and expressing our feelings. So, for example if my brothers and I haven't talked for a while, my mom starts nagging me to call them or my dad tries getting them to call me or write me. (For the record, I was almost always the one to take the lead in communication with my brothers, eventually I just got tired of it.)My mom will bug me about talking to my dad on a regular basis, and my dad in turn tells me to spend more time with my mom - even though these two have been divorced for nearly 20 years! They mean well, most of the time.

Sometimes I still find myself avoiding them. As awful as it is, and as guilty as it makes me feel, I know I should just let it go and call. The damn Catholic guilt gets me. I know there are a lot of dysfunctional families worse than mine and I should be grateful that they do want to keep in touch with me, and that I even have parents. But sometimes there's really nothing going on in my life that I care to tell them about. Things that make me happy do not usually make them happy for me. They also have heard for years about my depression and anxiety and while they try to understand, they still make me feel at times like it's my fault and I should just brush it off. I still get preached to and given strong suggestions and comments that make me feel as if they are terribly disappointed in me, although I'm really doing better than I had been over the last few years. It's still not what they wanted, and it's never enough. So why would I want to walk right into that situation if I don't have to?

I know, I've gotta stop being a coward and just deal with it. I've got to speak up for myself instead of taking all the hurt and shame and anger upon myself. So umm, maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

Memories from a childhood picture

1. The dining room and part of the kitchen had that "trippy if you stare at it too long" wallpaper pattern. I think it's called houndstooth. That's one of those words that usually refers to a pattern on clothing, yet it just doesn't sound quite right. Like herringbone.
   
2. Look at that! A double decker cage, pretty pimped out in there with that wheel and.... umm.... a tube, and... well, what more do they need? Those were my brother's gerbils, named Bernard & Bianca. Let's not talk about Bernard's demise. Let's not.
   
3. I know you're jealous of my badass pink velour pantsuit.
   
4. Dad's record cabinet, a few that I remember are The Beatles' first album, The Rolling Stones first album, Donovan, The Ventures and The Four Seasons.
   
5. Back in the day, you'd be in big trouble if you messed with the record player.
6. It's hard to see, but that's our infamous green shag carpet, which covered a good portion of the house. This was the kind of shag carpet that requires a carpet rake. Seriously, a carpet rake. Fluff it up for company, you know.

Bahhhh Tuesday

I don't know about today. Maybe it's the back to work after a long weekend blues. Maybe it's that I didn't get much sleep last night. Maybe I just want to laze about some more while not dealing with real life. I feel like I'm on the verge of a very bad mood. That doesn't do anyone any good, so I better just snap out of it!
I'm a brunette now. I don't know if it suits me, but I just wanted to take a break from my usual red. Brown always looks too dark at first, but hopefully it's not too freaky. My guy did a very nice job as he always does. He makes sure he gets it even, doesn't drip it in my eyes and is careful about not pulling too much. Very sweet and patient. I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.
I'm trying to work on some posts, really! I feel bad for not keeping up with my writing, but then again you all don't need to be reading pages and pages of blah-de-blah like this. Sometimes I just don't have much to say that makes any sense. Bear with me, I'm cleaning out the cobwebs.

I won't even say it

Dreamweaver

Are you too into blogging if you dream about blogging and other bloggers?

It's just kinda funny cause I build you people up in my mind like you're celebrities - well, in the way that I try to imagine what you're like in real life but there's a very slim chance of really knowing. So you're almost at the same imaginary level. Well anyways, last night I had a dream that I met HemisphereDancer and he was so nice! Oh shush, we just talked! I think we were both heading down South to help rescue people. He didn't have an accent, I don't know if he really does but I was all talking like I was from the U.P. like "oh yaah, doncha know" even though I don't really talk like that unless I'm imitating someone. Anyways, it was pretty cool. There have been other dreams about more of you out there.... I will try to write something about them when they happen so you can be embarrassed too! Yay!