Divert and repeat

I still feel things, obviously I do. Sometimes more than I'd like to or more than would seem necessary. I've always been labeled as sensitive, but usually in a negative way - too sensitive, overly-sensitive, see also: crybaby, get a grip. But what I've noticed is that I seem to have developed some sort of selective numbness that at times seems more of a reflex than something within my control. Like, I'll be having a conversation with someone, and then I get knocked off guard by them telling me something that I find immensely sad, or something that presses my buttons, or something that hurts my feelings in a way that actually feels like a blow to the chest or gut. I still feel it, but then a numbness kicks in. It's like the fight-or-flight fairy is pulling me out of that moment, saying "La la LAA - we didn't hear that! Ok, we did but we are MOVING RIGHT ALONG. Not gonna think about it now, plenty of time to dwell on that later. Yes, that hurt but it's only a flesh wound, really - don't look at it and make it worse. Just keep moving." And I'm calm, but it's sort of a false calm. Sort of a bad calm, when it comes with knowing that the shelves are stocked with thoughts like these that are just waiting to be revisited later.

Nothing wrong with defense mechanisms to protect yourself in a situation. I guess I'm just taking note that this happens, and like most of my coping mechanisms - it may have become flawed. That is, dealing with things by not really dealing with them. Flipping a switch that says "I am not really here, I'm not really feeling this." I seem to get in the habit of doing things to protect myself in the present moment while not really looking out for myself in the future. And here I am.