I don't feel right. Has the unhappiness settled into a ball in my stomach? Because it hurts from somewhere below my chest all the way down. Last night was awful, and I remember not feeling too well the previous evening either, but it subsides a bit in the morning. I want to say it's different than the tummy problems I've had before, but I'm not sure. Maybe it's a premonition. Maybe it's nothing.
This is really pathetic, but I'll say it anyway. I feel like I'm pining for this sense of normalcy that I perceive other adults as having. Of course, my perception has been known to be skewed. Even though my life has come a long way from how it was even 5 years ago, I don't feel like I'm there yet. I just want to get to this ideal I have of being "comfortable" which really just includes things that are nothing to most people. Like, when your car has something wrong with it - you just take it to the shop, no question. Or your husband just takes care of it. It's not like you probably had money saved and set aside just for that, but you KNOW that it will be taken care of somehow without meaning that all your other bills will have to go unpaid. And it will be worth it to fix because it's a relatively good car. Or you just go to the dentist twice a year, even when nothing is wrong, because that's just what people do. Or I should say, that's what people with dental insurance do. Oh and they definitely wouldn't be wearing old glasses or contacts either. But, before I go to off the deep end, I know and have to remember that things could be much worse. Hell, they were a whole lot worse. We're never short on food, or shelter, or even home entertainment. And I know most of the time people don't reach that state of comfort that I'm thinking of overnight. That's why they work hard at bettering themselves. I know. I just feel like I'm really far behind in a race that I'm not even qualified to participate in. Don't be offended. I know it doesn't come easy. That doesn't mean that we don't sometimes wish that it would, though!
Thursday, February 01, 2007
And You Know It Don't Come Easy
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8 comments:
I know how you feel, and it sucks. I can't say 'oh it'll get better' because I don't know. You just have to endure, sometimes, and try not to think about it too much.
I have the 'pining' too. It's like I have this image of what my life at this stage should be like, and I'm constantly super-imposing that over my reality. Some mornings I drive to work, truly befuddled as to how I ended up here, doing this, at this level of income, in this car, at this hour, etc...
Not that I don't have a lot of good in my life. I just need to remind myself of it once in a while (= every day this month).
I have health insurance that pays for it and I'm still wearing old contacts. Also, I have had dental insurance for the 8 years I've been at this job but have only been going in the last few.
By the way, have you read anyone else's blog lately? Normal? You think any of us are living well packaged 'normal' lives?
You know the Talking Heads song, "Once In a Lifetime?" Most everyone feels that way now and again, some of us quite often.
None of my plans or dreams included being the 45 year old, bald, sexless, father of an emotionaly disturbed child, with a dead-end job and a domineering--frigid wife.
I'm still 25 inside wondering how the f'k I got here!
I've got great insurance though...makes the blood pressure pill I'm about to take completely affordable.
Well, I hope I was able to cheer you up a bit.
Have a great day. :-)
At some point in your life you have to start living in the moment and try not to think too much about "where you should be," etc. The older you get the more important this is, since your time is getting shorter and you don't want to waste it worrying about what is going to happen or what happened before.
Besides, i'm pretty sure that we are just where we are supposed to be. At least that's how I deal with this kind of thing (when I'm not cutting myself or binge drinking)
rootietoot - I know. Thanks for understanding. :)
quinn - yeah, I need to focus on/remind myself on all the good things too, even if that's hard to do when I'm in a negative funk!
fluffycat - yeah, it's not like those things are fun even if you have the insurance for them!
iamnot - That DID cheer me up a bit (not that I don't want your life to be more "normal" - but you know what I mean). It's somewhat of a comfort to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.
lovemonkey - you're right, and I'm sure that in a few years down the road I'll be able to look at this time in my life with a more rational perspective. Probably. Hopefully. :)
Lovemonkey's right, later on you'll be able to look at today more rationally. That doesn't mean you'll look at today and say "oh that wasn't so bad" because you might say "Lord that was awful!" but then you'll also be able to say "I survived and even today I'm still breathing."
I know how you feel because I've been a student for the past 6 years. We all make it in our own time. Most people look like they have more because they are willing to go into all sorts of debt. Don't be fooled, and you'll be there without all the debt soon enough.
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