In honor of Caturday

It's so tough being a cat...


Facepalmin'

Each one feels like the first one

Hey, just wanted to let you know that there's a great album - The Weepies' Hideaway - for super-cheap as the Amazon MP3 deal of the day today. By "great", I mean that it's a great album if you like light, catchy, indie folk-pop duos (they're a couple, aww) that are sweet but not obnoxiously so.

Recommended tracks: Hideaway, Antartica, Just Blue

Suggested as background music for: a coffee shop, a laid-back Sunday morning, doing the dishes, something calm and happy that's safe to play around the kids and/or your conservative parents, something chilled out to listen to at work, shopping (I'm pretty sure I've heard some of these songs while at Kohl's - they actually have a surprisingly good mix of indie-ish music playing there most of the time.)

Back with a real post soon.

Oh yes, I do no

So, not a whole lotta news here.

After hemming and hawing about going back to my original doctor or finding a new one or getting a referral, I finally just went and saw my original, favorite doctor. See, everyone likes her so much that she's hard to schedule an appointment with, and I had been seeing a NP at the same practice the last few times. Trouble is, even though the NP is really nice, it seemed like every time I saw her something got screwed up (wrong prescription called in, not returning my lab results, etc.) and then I worried about the whole not being able to actually diagnose a condition thing. And the whole talking to a colleague about me in the hallway and I could totally overhear it thing. So, I asked to see my old doctor for my yearly exam. The practice said they could only schedule my exam as part of a shared medical appointment (she won't look at me naked unless it's along with a bunch of other naked people?) which just seemed kind of silly. I mean, the point of the shared medical appointment - I think - is to put a group of similar chumps patients in a classroom type setting where they can ask the doctor questions and gain possible insight from others who may have similar conditions. My mom has done this before and said that rest assured, you don't get examined in front of other people, but still. When I read the paperwork for this appointment, I got to the part where it said "Each patient will be given a name tag to identify each other more easily in group discussion" (maybe they had a problem with patients referring to each other as "the one over there with the rash" or "that chick who asked about discharge") or something like that, and I started to rethink how much I wanted to "share".

So, long story long - I called back and asked to just see my doc one on one - even if she won't look at my girl parts - to discuss meds and moods and thyroid worries. I'm waiting for the lab results, which I imagine could range from "My God, you're a 30 year old woman with the stats of a 53 year old man" to "well, nothing clinically wrong here, you're just a lazy fatass" - alright, that's a bit harsh. We'll see. In the meantime, my doctor suggested lots of calcium and vitamin D and to get out and walk during the daytime. She also switched my birth control pill to Seasonique, which I'm a bit skeptical about since it seems like one of those "trendy" birth control pills. Of course I looked around online and read all kinds of reviews saying that this is the worst pill ever and accounts of nonstop spotting and all kinds of bad side effects. But the quote below was by far the best one I read, that's still making me giggle:

"the only problem i had with this BC is that a week b4 my period, i would start to spell bad( if you no what i mean)"

Wellll put. (starts slow clap)

But you have to take birth control experiences and opinions with a grain of salt. I've had several people tell me that BC pills are all horrible and no one should take them, when the individual might have only tried one and most likely has way different hormonal things going on than I do. I'd like to not have to take them either. Side effects certainly do suck, but besides the whole preventing pregnancy thing, there's also the reminder of how my cycle would be without the pills. 7 to 11 days of heavy bleeding and nearly debilitating cramps plus wicked PMS is something I'm willing to tweak with hormones if it means improvement! TMI there, sorry.

Speaking of TMI, you can't really be TMI with me. I mean, when somebody writes a warning about TMI, I'm only more interested. Maybe I'm just not a very classy lady - but I don't shy away from discussing woman stuff with other women. When I was around 12, I wanted to talk about everyone's period experience. When I was around 15, I wanted to hear about everyone's sexual experiences (ok, probably still do) and in recent years, I've wanted to know all about the individual pregnancy/birth/parenthood experiences. So maybe I'm weird in that way, or I just like to be prepared. Or maybe I should've taken that shared medical appointment after all - there's gotta be some TMI going on there.

Before It Gets Better

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if it is broke, well... crap, I still might not fix it. Where do I even begin? Can it even be fixed?

That seems to sum up issues in most areas of my life right now. The car. My health. Our house. My mind. Our relationship. The accounting crap at work. It all needs some fixing up but even broken down separately it seems too daunting to even know where to start. I tend to fall into the "Oh, bother. What's the use?" shrug and sigh mentality quite easily, but then the problem becomes that there are not only all these things unfixed or undealt-with, but that I hate myself for not doing them. When negativity, depression and procrastination meet, it's amazing the amount of things you can NOT get done!

Anyway, I was going to write this post to remind myself of how happy I felt after just getting my car out of the shop. It hasn't been running well for months, I'd been putting it off, I was stalling at 3 or 4 intersections each way between home and work and there was increasing fear that one of these times it wouldn't start again, for good. But I figured it would be such an AWFUL and expensive problem that would lead to finding out even MORE AWFUL problems that I couldn't afford and that I'd get screwed over paying to fix, that I kind of didn't even want to know. Somehow, the car didn't fix itself. It ended up being $300 - that I didn't want to spend and certainly didn't just have lying around - but what a relief! To just fix it and be done with it! Like normal people must do! Now I can just worry about the shitty roads and other drivers, but not about whether my car is going to make it home or not - yay!

And then of course my "check engine" light comes on just a couple days after getting the car back. RARRGH.

I'm still having cookies for breakfast

Without being overly critical, I'd have to say the Christmas festivities went quite well. With being overly critical, I'd say that I didn't do enough planning ahead, I should've done more for people, I probably made some bad gift purchases, I should've sent packages, I could've been a much better hostess, blah blah blah, etc. But no major hitches, most likely because we kept everything low key and didn't travel. I feel like we got off pretty easy. I've got to remember that it's hardly ever as bad as I think it will be - it can even be, you know, heartwarming and stuff. I have so much to be thankful for... and I'm fighting not to follow that with any negative statements. (Note: It's okay to let yourself be calm and happy. P.S. Shut up.)

I hope you all had enjoyable holidays too, and if not - at least you can enjoy that the holiday season is almost over. Cheers!

In which I'm failing to find my bootstraps

I keep almost saying something and then swallowing it. What seems like the end of the world one day, often seems not so major the next. In hindsight I can tell myself to calm down and stop being so damn inconsolable but when I'm within "it", it's hard to see my way out. So I usually end up writing more when I'm semi- to not so much depressed, rather than when I'm seeming moderate to severe. Side note: I need some kind of color coded Nervous-Watch system to define how anxious, sad, angry, relatively normal I'm feeling (i.e. aqua would mean sad enough to feel sad for inanimate objects and hating myself for buying the wrong toothpaste, and so on.) Or not. Anyway. I think my point was that there are days upon days that I probably should write about, or talk to someone about, because these issues, well - they're not REALLY going away, they're kind of piling up as bad as the laundry at our house. I don't expect to feel great and sunshiney every day, it's just the lows get lower than usual this time of year and I'm not finding the best ways to cope with that. And then I feel GUILTY for not coping and blah blah shame spiral blah. I know I'm not crazy enough to not know when I'm being crazy - but well, self-realization is just a piece of the getting better puzzle and all.

The holidays, especially these last few years, have been getting to me. I know, they get to everybody and that doesn't mean people don't deal with them. I'll just say - most of the reason I'm writing this right now is from a less than pleasant talk I just had with my mom that I knew was coming. It's funny how I'll feel immediately 16 again - sorry that I said anything to her and wanting to go to my room and sulk. I feel like on one hand she does at least have an understanding of my... issues? illness? but on another she REALLY doesn't, and maybe still doesn't completely believe it and has a "oh just knock it off already" attitude about it. I don't know how to explain other than it just reinforces the guilt, shame and patheticness I was already feeling. Her voice got flat and short and she was starting that thing where she speaks slowly like to a child that's in trouble "Well whatever you're doing is obviously not working" and I sort of recoiled in a way and felt dumb and pathetic for bringing it up. And feel kind of dumb and pathetic writing about it but oh well. I'm sorry for not explaining this better and doing the stream of consciousness thing, and I'm also sick of being sorry. And maybe when the PMS dies down and there isn't the impending doom of winter storms and white-knuckled driving and everything falling apart or already being broken and the holiday stress bearing down, etc... then I will look at this more clearly.

Also, I need to shop and bake a mess of cookies. (Not a complaint, that's the bright side.)

Coughs Taste Metallic

Oh, the woes of the last day off before going back to work. But hey, at least it's not sno- aw fuck, it is snowing. Bah! Cold, cruel world!

This year, instead of holding the Thanksgiving festivities at our house, we had more or less decided to spend it up north with my mom's side of the family. But at the last minute, we ended up getting reservations for two in Sickytown. There are better ways to spend a long weekend than going through six boxes of kleenex and comparing the nastiness of horky coughs with your loved one, but it hasn't been all bad. J went out Thanksgiving morning and rounded up plenty of food for us, so we had a nice dinner complete with a big ol' bowl of yukon gold mashed potatoes and gravy - NOM! I attempted to make a chocolate bourbon pecan pie according to Paula Deen's recipe, and I think it would've turned out great if I had given it about twice the baking time that was indicated. Instead, it looked like the pie had set up nicely, but was still too glorpy inside upon cutting into it. Oh well. Yesterday I made another attempt with a pie I'd never made before - cranberry apple - and it turned out much better.

I'm thankful for sleeping in, for the two ridiculously soft blankets I ordered from Amazon that arrived last week, for being able to watch Netflix videos on the 360, for my favorite person to commiserate with, for porn 'staches, for potatoes and pie, oh and for the 'tussin.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

Heeere's Jonesey!

O HAI. MY I'S R ALL DIALBATED
(DA BETTER TO KILLZ U WIF...)

P.S. Please also see: How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You if you haven't already. Get informed, before it's too late!

Minor Peevances

• When I go to transfer clothes from the washer to the dryer and the Downy ball is open, yet still full of Downy - but of course I don't realize this until I spill it all over the clean clothes, because it was hiding inside a damn pant leg.
• Boss still pronouncing it "O-BAM-uh" not Oh-bah-mah. It's like hearing your mom talking about "that Snoopy-Dog" or [insert cultural reference of your teens here]. Cringe.
  
• Meredith Viera.
  
• Socks - most of the time, I don't feel right if I'm NOT wearing them. So how come I have so many crap pairs that either bunch up, fall down, or cut off circulation? Stupid socks.
  
• The sound of nails being clipped.
  
• Sites that work with Internet Explorer but not Firefox.
  
• This bra. I like how the Victoria's Secret Angels/Secret Embrace bras look under clothes and keep the girls in their upright position, but why do they have to be made of friggin mousepad material? It doesn't breathe! Also, the straps suck. Also, going to the store bites. I think I'm gonna have to kick it old school and get bras from Penneys next time.
  

Talkin bout gratitude, don't give me no attitude...

Well, how about something a little less negative up in this piece for a change?

The other day, Swistle posted a list of happy, (inspired by the daily gratitude blogging over at Black Sheeped) and I thought yeah, I should get my gloomy ass on that bandwagon for a bit!

Here are a few things that are currently helping to turn my frown upside down - in no particular order:

• Genius playlists in iTunes, hearing songs I forgot I had
  
• Something I'm wearing smells good
• The Laugh-Out-Loud Cats comics. Brilliant.
• Relatively uneventful work day
• Those new Quaker Toasted Coconut Banana Macadamia Nut granola bars (sorry, couldn't find a product page for some reason, but got them at Target last week) - a lot nummier than expected.
  
• President-elect Barack Obama (you know it!)
• It's time for a new season of Top Chef already? Sweet!
  
• Reading your blogs
• Thinkin' about mah boo (J, who needs a better way to be referenced on this blog)
• Feeling 30% better than yesterday

If you've stayed there, you know what the accommodations are like

Maybe that whole seasonal affective disorder thing just punched me in the face, or I'm coming down with something, or I'm repressing too much these days? Because this morning I feel extremely low, like - I can't face the world even though my world is pretty small and relatively safe in the bigger scheme of things - low. I feel... crumpled up and separated from my regular self. But it helps to remind myself that it won't always feel like this.

I'll feel the need to try to explain my depression, defending it like it's something I'm guilty of, because I can understand that when you're not in it or never have been, it seems like it would be easier to snap out of than it is. It's hard to explain to someone who says "Smile! What do you have to be depressed about?" what you're going through. Most days it's manageable, it's some wispy gray clouds in the distance - and then some days it's a raging, thundering storm cloud right over your head. That metaphor probably doesn't quite cut it, but whatever.

I've been coming across a lot of great blogs lately, and I admire and appreciate those who are participating in NaBloPoMo - I love opening my feed reader and seeing a bunch of fresh posts waiting for me to read. It helps. More on that another time.

I'll see you on the other side.

Everyone Has Their Reasons

Some people will vote for what they believe in. Some people will vote to rebel, some will vote to conform. Some people will vote based on race and some people will vote based on religion. Some people vote based on facts and some vote based on rumors and pre-conceived notions. Some will vote for who they really like, and some will vote for who they dislike less.

For me, I'm voting for the candidate that not only has made me care about politics and the state of this country like I never had before, but someone whose ideas for change and hopes for the future are what I support.

These are some crazy, exciting times, folks. Get out there and vote for what you believe in! (Well, unless like most people you already have voted... then you can um, sit around being proud of yourself or have a hot pocket or something.)




P.S. I'm voting for Obama, obvsly!

Nooo! Not ready! Nooo!

They're predicting snow next week. Even though it probably won't even stick, this still fills me with a sense of dread. (Teh winter, it saddins me!) And then, there are the upcoming holidays. Last year for Thanksgiving, we had J's mom and dad over, along with my (divorced) parents. Parented!!! J pulled it off extremely well, while I felt like I just flitted and hovered and worried (which I am prone to do) and tried to avoid any uncomfortable discussions. So... not sure what the plan is for this year. It's nice to be at home, but there are also the moments of "Gahh! Claustrophobic! Everybody get out of the damn kitchen!" and stuff like that. But it could be worse. Much worse. So I won't get too worked up about it.

At least it's the season for experimental baking, eh? The treats, they help.

Drug references

J and I both have sinus issues and usually his treatment of choice is nasal spray - or "nose candy" as we like to call it - but there's only so much of that you can use. So he asked me to pick up some real Sudafed the next time I was at Target (which you have to ask for at the pharmacy and show your ID to get these days).
"Ok, but they're going to put me on some kind of government list"
"For one box of Sudafed?"
"Well, when I tell them that 'I needs to git some REAL Sudafed, the kind with the meths in it, cuz the nose candy just don't cut it anymore'."

Ba dum dum tssht.

Another odd thing I noticed with the whole "ok, we'll sell this to you but it's not like we don't know what you're using it for" initiative was at a gas station that's not too far from a couple shady neighborhoods. Behind the counter - along with the chaw, mini-thins and torch-lighters - they now have a bunch of those Chore Boy scouring pads. Do you think they'd copy an ID of someone who asked for one of those (that uhh, won't melt, will it?) and a butane lighter? Are scouring pads now in the category of possible drug paraphernalia , or is it that crackheads kept stealing them when they were out on the shelves (or both)? I don't know, it just seemed sort of funny, and sort of sad. Maybe I'm behind the times, but I wonder if more and more items will keep being restricted because of druggies. I imagine potheads are somewhat exempt from future restrictions though - they might have to ask for "rolling tobacco" papers but they'll still make a bong or pipe out of just about anything.

What I meant to say was

I've got to get out of the habit of second-guessing everything. I suppose that goes along with insecurity and indecisiveness (not saying those are my good traits) but geez! It just took me like a half hour to write a stupid two sentence email response. I wrote and rewrote the damn thing, trying to come off as funny-yet-professional, then of course thought of a much better way I could have worded it after it was too late. And what's worse than the initial trying-to-be funny email than a follow-up email explaining "wait, no - that wasn't substantially funny, was it? Disregard that last message and read this belatedly clever response instead! Ho ho... ha HA, my friend! Glad I sent you THAT one, eh?"

Well, at least I didn't do that (the second email). But I did write this.

Update: I earned myself a "Lol" from one of the business-types - I shall let this one rest.

No wonder it has taken me a month to write a damn blog saying not much of anything and I still end up republishing it 3 times. Garrgh.

Words questioned in the making of this post: indecisiveness, belatedly, substantially, clever, et al. (Also just looked up et al. before committing to it.)

JoBo

Well hey, it's been awhile, again. October? Really?! Ack! Nooooo! Time needs to slow down and I need to speed my ass up. I feel like I'm so behind on everything and for no real (good) reason.

There's so much to be angry and/or worried about! But that's not a good place to start.

In happy news, I got a new vacuum from J for my birfday! Totally unexpected (although J points out that I have been longingly gazing at fancy vacuums while frowning at our $40 vacuum with disapproval for years), so it was a great surprise. And apparently it "nevah. loses. suction." I don't know if I am used to this vaccum's awesome power yet - a sock on the floor that would just get pushed out of the way with the old vacuum would now be devoured from a foot away by the new one. (Not that I uh, leave dirty laundry on the floor all the time or anything, heh.) The cat is both intimidated and impressed by it, and is working overtime to create more fur to be spread around the house. It's kind of gross yet satisfying to see how quickly the canister fills up with dust, fur and other particles of nastiness and how it's fluffed up old cheap carpet that I didn't think could be fluffed. So, score!

In other, crabbier, news: gray hair sucks. More keep popping up, and aren't just silvery versions of my regular hair, but coarse and kinky little bastards that demand attention. I've colored (well, begged people close to me to color) my hair on and off for years, but it sure is a pisser to feel like you have to!

I'm posting this several days late and a few points short, but at least it's something newish for now-ish.

Go Team Nugget

Not a whole lot is new (I feel like I'm always saying that, whether it's true or not). On Sunday, I'm turning the big 3-0. People over 30 tend to say "Eh, big woop" and people under 30 are more likely to say "Oh, gah... sorry" about this. Ah, well - I don't think I'm feeling any more annoyingly introspective about it than usual. I mean, it's just a number... a big fat number that brings to mind "OMGWTF have I been doing for the last, oh, decade?!" Ahem. But anyway.

Have you been watching the Olympics? It's kind of odd that I have - considering I have minimal interest in any kind of sporting activities - but I always like watching the gymnastics, and the diving is pretty cool too. I just gotta say, that Shawn Johnson is just the cutest little chicken nugget! She just is! I won't go too far with that though, as I notice that there's this trend of people comparing cuteness to edibleness (?) that sometimes creeps me out. Like, yes - babies are cuter than the word "cute" can accurately describe, but delicious? I don't know, I have yet to become a mother so maybe I can't talk. I mean, when we met J's 3 month old niece - yes, she was terribly darling, and sure I pretended to nom-nom-nom her little toes. BUT if I were to sit there and say that oh, she's just so yummy that she should be poached, covered in hollandaise sauce and served for breakfast.... well, that's a bit much. Right? But I don't know. Like I said I have minimal experience in the children department, so I guess if people wanna be all snacking on babies and whatnot that's their own business.

You know, I take forever to do anything. Composing an email or a post takes much longer than it should, and my attention span isn't what it used to be. But even if I take a long time to write something or respond to someone, it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it/them. So I guess it's pretty shitty of me that when I don't hear back from people, my first conclusion is they hate me and everything I've said/written. Because how much fun is insecurity without a little paranoia thrown in?

I've had the office to myself this last week, and I'm not sure that I'm ready for my "alone time" to be over. Speaking of that... crap, I better go get things organized for Monday.

Have a great weekend!

My head a-splode

Well, the good news is that there's a shiny new (used, but still pretty new) highway-worthy car in the family now! The bad (or good) news is, I don't know how to drive it yet. But J has confidence that he can teach me to drive a stick, and I suppose it'll be a good thing to know. The good news: road trips! The bad news: other people planning road trips for us (No reason you can't go here and there now!) Sometimes I feel like a target for pushy suggestions. I know I'm indecisive but geez, the more people insist that they know how to spend my free time better than I do, the more likely I am to stop listening to their suggestions. Harumph!

I've been highly sensitive and irritable lately (surprise!). The last week especially, I just felt agitated and mean for the most part. I don't like that feeling, the dark thoughts that I have, the wanting to push everyone away. It reminds me very much of behaviors I've seen in my family - and in myself before I got help for depression - and I know how much it sucks to be on the other side of that. Just another reason to stay "on the Z" as now is a really bad time for me to play around with adjusting medication. (Also, OMG RARRGH1!!)

8/1: I wrote this the other day, and I think there was more to say but I'm just going to post as is and move on.

Blurred

Well... hi.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that I'm not exactly an optimist, but I thought I'd been doing pretty well just going along with life pretending things are okay lately. Well, maybe pretending isn't quite the correct word - it's not that I don't ever feel happy and content with things. It's just that when I do start feeling all carefree and happy and whatnot, there's always this nagging feeling in my stomach, these awful thoughts in my head that want to ruin everything... "Hope you're having lots of fun being all happy and careless while other people are down and out and suffering and doing a lot more than you do, you selfish bitch." Because there has been a lot of sadness and suffering - in my family, even - and it's not that I don't feel it, and hurt because of it, and panic about it at night. But it's that I feel somewhat numb to it all, not knowing how to deal with it has led me to retreat to my bubble because I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make it better. But I also realize that my being numb isn't helping anything.

The weird thing is, he was diagnosed with cancer while awaiting his sentencing. If you believe in God or karma or some sort of higher power, do you think that the timing of this is no coincidence? The cancer may have saved him - at least temporarily - from prison time, but it certainly isn't a trade-off that I think anyone would choose. Do you feel less bad for someone with cancer if they're also a repeat offender that hasn't seemed to want to turn their life around? That doesn't seem right either. It's hard to separate the two things, and it's confusing to try to separate the two personalities I've seen in him. Can you just forgive someone who hasn't asked for your forgiveness? I think in this case I should.

I suppose it's just part of life, part of getting older, but it's these life/death thoughts that give me panic attacks more and more often. I'm terrified of seeing loved ones getting old, getting sick, not being there. I'm terrified of myself getting old, getting sick, not being there... but with the way I've been living, it seems as if I've been pretty scared of life too. I don't know. Existential crisis? Let's not.

So, that's the condensed version. On to less heavy topics next time.

All Mason Jennings, All The Time

So... we went to see one of my favorite folksingers - Mason Jennings - last Thursday in Grand Rapids... and can I just *squeee* here for a minute? This was especially exciting for me because I have only been to a pitifully small number of shows in my life, and this one was just so GOOD. He played for about an hour and a half, and to my delight it was a great mix of songs from all 7 of his albums. We sat at a table for a while, but then the need to get closer to the stage came over me, so I joined the mass (not really that many) of people bouncing and swaying on the floor. Didn't get to meet him, but he seems like a genuinely nice, talented-yet-humble-about-it kind of person. It was nice to just feel the music and be happy and not let my usual nervous self take over. I just... can't even properly explain how much his music means to me. So, so glad we were able to see him live. Weeeeooooo!

I would definitely recommend seeing Mason Jennings if you have the chance, right now he's touring with Jack Johnson (not at the show we went to) and Money Mark (who we saw, gets funky on the keyboards).

Um, I wish I had my own video to post. Instead, this is one from youtube that looks most like the performance I saw.



Mason Jennings' Official Website

Mason Jennings Interview on Yahoo!

Be Here Now video on YouTube