Nervous Thoughts

So I went to Spain...

2011-10-12T11:09:00.001-04:00

and made it back! It was overall fantastico. We just got in the night before last, so I'm still feeling a little off but not too bad. Glad to be home to see family and the kitties (they've had a lot to say since we got back - mostly talking to us during the wee hours of the morning), but feeling a little bit of the letdown/back to regular boring work and stuff blah blah.

You guys, I had never seen mountains in person before. Never been able to dip my toes in an actual sea and not just a lake. Hadn't been in another country. So much new stuff! It was a bit daunting at times, but mostly I think I did alright and had minimal freak-outs. J was a wonderful travel companion, encouraging me and just being great. I'm glad he had been there before so at least one of us knew what to expect and where to go.

This is the rooftop view from the first hotel we stayed in (would've stayed more than 2 nights if it had been available!) It wasn't like a traditional hotel but several different buildings, each with rooftop terraces where they serve you breakfast in the morning. We had jamón sandwiches, fresh fruit and yogurt, muffins, and nice strong coffee. All of it was very good, but even if the food hadn't been great, the service and the view are excellent. (Hmm, this is sort of sounding like a review. Maybe I should hop over to TripAdvisor to share my comments, as that's where I did a lot of reading up on things before this trip.)

10/14/11
So I'm posting this a little later than planned and will put more pictures and stuff in the next post. Still getting back on track. Today is what? Friday?

Holy frijoles

2011-09-21T10:25:00.000-04:00

Oh man, if I actually wrote as much as I thought about writing... well, I would've written some damn things by now, wouldn't I?

There certainly has been no shortage in the nervousness department or the uh, thinking department. The doing? Well, not so much. But I'm working on it.

The really good news is that J and I are going to Spain. We'll be in a lovely little town in the Costa del Sol for a little over a week, and then in Madrid for a couple of days before we fly back home. The bad... well, not really bad but the extreme worries are:

Holy shit, we leave in a week! Not ready!
I have only flown once in my life, and that was just under 20 years ago.
I'm trying to refresh myself on as much Spanish as I can, which I think will be helpful even though there will most likely be a lot of English-speaking people there. But still, I'm worried that I will make an ass out of myself, get lost, accidentally order us 100 euros worth of pig ears, reinforce the "typical American" stereotype? I don't know, etc.
What frickin shoes do I bring? And my clothes? I hate almost everything I own.
Will our cats be okay? (Well, I mean - we're not leaving them to fend for themselves, but they will have a lot more alone time between check-ins.)
What if we miss a flight? What if TSA takes my nervous/awkwardness as trying to hide something? What if, what if, what if?

Then again, what if... this ends up being a big ol' facing of a whole bunch of fears that in the end, gives me a boost in confidence? I'm certainly not saying this isn't an awesome opportunity - the odds are stacked towards having a great time. I'm just a mix of excited and terrified! Iieeeee!

Hideout

2011-03-18T12:02:00.000-04:00

Had another one of those dreams last night that I realize I've had over and over, just with slight variations. Sort of along the lines of those dreams where you need to run but can't. This is the one where the bad guys are getting closer and closer, and there's no time to escape but you still try to hide - with varied results. Usually the only place to hide in is a laughably weak hideout, like behind a curtain but the outline of a body is obvious or your feet are sticking out. But you just stay still and hold your breath and hope that if you keep thinking "I'm invisible, I'm invisible" that maybe you somehow will be. But at the same time, you're just bracing yourself for getting shot or worse. I assume that's fueled by a combo of feelings of anxiety, helplessness, and replaying something that happens in movies all the time.

Then again, I also had some dream last night where I asked Gwyneth Paltrow if she knew all the words to all the Coldplay songs. (Of course she does.) I think my mind likes to throw me a freebie sometimes to lighten things up.

So, I'm feeling grumbly about family visits. In theory it sounds like a good happy time, and I do care about my family - but the closer it gets the more I feel my guts clench up and find myself wanting to toss the phone across the room whenever it rings. My dad has a tendency to be somewhat spontaneous with his visits, which drives me up the wall. But this time, I've had the whole week to plan on him visiting this weekend. I've been in a pretty foul mood this last week too, which means I've prepared for his visit in the worst way possible - by replaying everything that made me irritated and uncomfortable from the last visit. (I'm sorry, I have to get this off my chest here: He had said around noon that he and my brother would come over after lunch and that maybe we could watch a movie and have dinner, which was fine. Except that it was like 6 or 7 hours later (that we're waiting around not eating dinner and wondering what's going on) that he finally called and said "yeah, we decided to just go see a movie and I shut my phone off. I think we'll just call it a night and see you tomorrow." The next day we were all getting together at my mom's, and I called and let her know I was running late, but still he greeted me at the door with this miffed expression and "What, did you get lost?" and then since my almosthusband hadn't come along, he wouldn't let that drop and said "So is he intimidated by us?" Which, the nerve! Also not winning any points was that at some point I was standing in the kitchen talking to my mom, and he came up and just kept squeezing my sides/love handles. Cringe. I know, these are all things that perhaps a typical family does. But we are not that type of family. I feel sad from an objective point of view: this dad that wishes his family was a certain way and so he just pretends it is, while not seeing the reality. But we don't have the type of relationship where it's cool with me if he just shows up whenever, and we may hug but we're not like, affectionate. The way a typical dad would tease his daughter or give dadly advice is for people that are/were a lot closer. I feel bad that we aren't closer, but in this situation it just feels like boundaries are being crossed, and it has the effect of me wanting to create more distance. And I don't help either. When I'm with him, I'm thinking "I forgive you for acting that way, you must not realize how it comes across" but then obviously from all that I've just written - I stew on it and am angry about it afterward.)

It will probably be fine and I'm just dwelling on the bad stuff like I usually do. But still, part of me wants to quick make other plans. Or run away.

Just write

2011-03-03T16:02:00.001-05:00

I still haven't figured out what you're supposed to do when all the feelings feel like too much. When none of the quiet music or deep breaths feel particularly soothing and the blood pressure headache starts to build up behind the eyes. When part of me wants to crumble into tears, and part of me is too full of rage to sit still. I am not one to purposely break things, but in my head there's a build-up that shattering all our dinner plates could only start to release. Trying to explain what's going on feels like a bad dream - you're trying to convey something serious, but people only respond as if you're saying something both ridiculous and hilarious. I hate that even to me, it feels so serious at the time until the feeling just runs it's course. The only way I feel I can explain to most people is that I'm not well. Notice: I am not well and as such will be unable to take visitors or be in the vicinity of the general public until further notice. So, carry on, then. I'm sick, but not in a way that's really acceptable or has a simple explanation. Oh shit, it's probably just a chemical imbalance, the stupid change in hormones. Well, I guess that is a simple explanation, but not one I can give to everyone and expect to be met with understanding and acceptance.

It just is what it is, isn't it

2010-12-21T11:47:00.007-05:00

I realize I may be stating the obvious here, but doesn't it kind of seem like the pressure of Must!Be!Joyful! this time of year is what makes people unhappy? I know it's different for everyone, and I certainly don't mean to say that anyone who does feel the joy should cram it or anything like that. It just seems like anything that can involve such high expectations of happiness and togetherness inherently has a big risk of sadness and disappointment built in.

I'm realizing that as much as I can come off as "bah, screw the holidays", I have this internal struggle going on with not wanting to care while also building up unrealistic expectations of myself and others. I do want things to be special, but feel like I can't make that happen. I feel like things are expected from me that are not. No one is telling me that I have to do it all, or any of it, but I have a guilty nagging feeling that I should. I feel like less of a person for not having or making some brilliant decorations, for not doing even a quarter of what my mom would do and still being overwhelmed by it all. It would be easier to care less. Maybe I am just as caught up in the whole "Oh, that's what the holidays SHOULD be" as the people that I find annoying. But like most things that matter, I have a hard time balancing importance with just setting it up to be a big old display of failure.

On another note, I know it's generally not recommended to put your expectations on other people, but at the very least couldn't people just try to be more considerate and a little less shitty towards each other, for a little while?

And another note, I really wish I had some paid vacation time.

Bear

2010-12-13T12:45:00.005-05:00

Found this picture from one of this past summer's zoo trips. My AlmostHusband calls this one "Bear Court is now in session" which is probably a better caption than mine: "Anyone else smell bear crap?"

Or: "Hey look, I'm bearly in focus!"

Pretend I posted this on Friday

2010-12-10T11:46:00.006-05:00

So, how's the uh, holiday shopping going for you? I've gotten as far as thinking about buying a bunch of things, and that's about it. I'm stuck somewhere between "starting to feel festive" and "just wake me up in a couple months." For the past few years, I've thought that I'd get a head-start and shop online, so as not to feel all pressed for time and overwhelmed by crowds. And then it's about this time that I realize, oh shit - I better decide what to actually get people and get to getting it! (Update: the weekend passed and I'm no closer to accomplishing this.)

Are there people that you end up buying similar things for, every year? I'm wondering if they do actually enjoy/expect that, or are really thinking "ugh, AGAIN?" (At least my mom and my almost-mother-in-law do seem to like/expect my acting as their personal Bath & Body Works rep*, and that's pretty easy and enjoyable for me to do.) But I tend to buy a lot of things that I like for other people, or get things that I think would be a nice gift for ANYONE, and I don't want that to come off as impersonal. It's not that I don't like shopping, I think it's just like most things with me: I overthink it, I doubt, I procrastinate, I take something that could produce happy feelings and make it into a big ol' mess of worries (what if this sweater represents all that our relationship never will be?) when that's not what it's all about, right? Granted, the family gatherings, the food, the weather, the meaning of Christmas, etc. are pretty worrisome themselves.

I feel like I've written a similar post every year and it usually ends with "whatever, I'm making cookies" and you know, that's not always a bad way to be.

* I've actually branched out a bit from Bath & Body Works (*confused applause*) and haven't gone there quite as much in the last year as I used to. But a recent craving for festive scents took me there a-smelling, and here's a quick rundown of what I came home with:
- Slatkin & Co Scentegg in Fresh Balsam - I like the idea of these Scentegg things because they just sit there and smell - you don't have to do anything with it, they stay upright and look kinda cute, your anti-candle and anti-plug-in significant other doesn't have to worry about anything getting sparky or melty, and it's not a cat attractant like those reed diffuser things (they are actually a bit repelled by it). The Fresh Balsam scent is, as expected, a nice wintery Christmas-tree smelling scent - but you do have to find something else in the store with the same scent if you want a preview of what the Scenteggs smell like - in my case, I tried huffing (not really) the room spray without actually spraying it, but found it's much easier if you can find a candle to sniff. (And then smell another one in the same scent, just in case the first one was stale. And then smell something else and go back to the one you first liked, just to be sure.)
- Anti-Bacterial Gentle Foaming Handsoap in Twisted Peppermint - nice candy cane scent for in the kitchen, and the peppermint gives your hands a slight tingly feeling.
- Anti-Bacterial Moisturizing Soap in Vanilla Bean Noel - not sure if I will gift this or keep it. There are good vanillas and not-so-good vanillas, this one smells pretty artificial like a "I Can't Believe It's Not Imitation Vanilla Flavoring" or something - but seeing as how it's just a hand soap, I don't think it'll ruin anyone's life or anything. I hope.

Nervous November

2010-11-11T11:46:00.001-05:00

It's been a long time, and it seems like I've been stockpiling things to be nervous about. I'm feeling like the worry-meter is about to go into the red, which means it's time to vent some troubles before I pull out my hair and run screaming into the night. Or something.

(And I apologize, internet, if you're there - for being a bad weather type friend when it comes to writing. And then just writing about how I feel bad about it.)

What's weighing heaviest on my mind right now is family. The Holidaze are coming up, and it seems like every year for the last - I don't know, at least 4-5 years? - something messed up happens, usually involving my brother, which sort of puts a damper on things. Did I mention he's in prison now? He went in around this time last year, and will be getting out right before Thanksgiving. And apparently, will be heading to our town (it's where both my mom and I are located, but not where he was living previously.) I guess that shouldn't necessarily sound ominous, he's not a violent criminal, but I'm feeling very uneasy about it nonetheless. He won't have probation from what I understand, and I don't necessarily think that's a good thing. I have a bad feeling that his ideas about where his life will go now are *shrug* and "I'll just show up and see what happens."

My mom has agreed to take him in, but for a short time only, and sounds like she's in tough-love mode. I mean, he is 35, and has pretty much put her through hell for the last... well, she estimated 20 years. But she has a one bedroom apartment, and I have a house. Granted, we don't have an extra bed or a guest room set up, but I'm just trying to prepare myself if people start looking my way like "Why couldn't you take him in?" I feel really shitty for feeling this way, but I just don't think I can. When I see my brother (which is rare) I usually end up feeling like I need to take care of him, but mostly I've kept my distance. At this point, I honestly don't think I'd be comfortable having him stay over or even having much alone time with him. I'm not feeling too good about him staying with my mom, either.

Are there, or have there been people in your life that you just can't be around because the dynamic is too dysfunctional? I feel like the general consensus is that it's never okay to break ties with family, or stop communicating. I haven't written to him since he's been incarcerated, though I did send money a couple times, because honestly I felt horrible thinking about him being in there, but also didn't know what to say to him (and I guess I still don't.) I somehow don't think that the time in there will have necessarily scared him straight or cured him, I can only imagine that you go into survival mode while there and hopefully don't have an even more warped, hateful outlook afterward.

What makes me feel bad is that he's getting out, he's supposed to get integrated back into society, but he has nothing. He actually has negative nothing when you consider that: he owes back child support (not to mention parental support), he's burned too many bridges with family and friends, he's got addiction/behavior/emotional issues, he's had cancer and related treatments and there's always ongoing health concerns with that, his track record is going to look pretty bad to just about any employer, he hasn't had a car or a place of his own in who knows how long, etc. etc. Maybe not having people to fall back on will be what changes him? But don't you hear about these people and think, "Damn, can't his family or somebody do something about that for society's sake?" But even though we all feel bad about it, what I've learned from what my parents have been through, is that we can't fix it for him. They have certainly tried. Given the circumstances, I think it's understandable that there's a lot of hurt and mistrust. But there's also the GUILT of turning away, so... what do you do?

Read between the lines or some other cliche

2010-08-10T15:12:00.003-04:00

A while back I mentioned that things had been uncomfortable at [the place where I spend a good deal of my daytime hours] and I didn't know for sure if it was something I did, or if someone just happened to be distant and pissy near the general vicinity that I was in. For like, 3 or 4 months. Now I think that maybe I should've just taken the "ask me what's wrong" bait a long time ago.

Long story short: I thought something was wrong, and it was! Or, it is!

There are positives to consider. I haven't been fired. (Yet?) But no more salary and my hours are being cut to part-time (ouch). Of course part-time also means no vacation or sick time and no health insurance (the real kicker). Well, ok - the real kicker is that even though things have been awkward for quite some time, I assumed that an issue with my job performance would've been brought up previously. This change is stated as being a result of my lack of development and such (not even blaming the economy) - this is from the note (that was apparently attorney advised), of course - as there's been very little discussion and really, the discussion we did have just made it worse and errgh... I'm getting fired up again. I probably shouldn't get into the whole thing here (not that I don't feel like venting, obvs) but - this could've been handled much better. Then again, I've thought that about several things the last 6 years that I've been here. While I can admit that I'm certainly not without my shortcomings - as an employee and otherwise, I'd also been given nothing but praise up until the last few months. That's a bad thing about small - very small - business, it's harder to make the line between personal and professional more distinct. You get treated more like family, but that family might very well be dysfunctional.

So, even though there are choices to make, they all seem to come back to it being time to move on. That shouldn't be so tough, right? (Well, uh - terrible job market/economy aside.) I mean, I haven't exactly been happy either. But the urge to cling to what is familiar, even if it's not in my best interest, is very strong. I've stepped up my game, now that I know where I need to improve - but I'm not sure if that's even what's wanted from me at this point. (I kind of think I might just be here right now so he could still take his vacation.) There's this whole "I'm only talking to you hastily so you can't get a word in edgewise as I'm walking out the door" thing going on. Not that it's that much different than it has been. Ugh.

The thought of interviewing makes me sort of want to throw up. Although, staying here and just waiting for the other shoe to drop, or feeling like I'm only being kept on out of some condescending kind of pity or convenience or whatever... well, that also makes me want to throw up.

Next up: Will I manage to find not only a career, but the appropriate career wear, without having a(nother) meltdown?

Save as draft

2010-06-17T14:29:00.002-04:00

I keep trying to write something, but when I'm feeling really down I'm more likely to tell myself to shut-up and not publish that. But if everyone did that, I wouldn't have anything to read. Blah blah, I need to write about being self-critical but I'm too self-critical to do it!

Here's an attempt from earlier in the week:

****
You guys, I may have figured something out.

Almost all of the problems in my life seem to come back to one thing: self-worth, or lack thereof.

So, problem identified. Main cause of my depression, fear, emptiness, jealousy, relationship problems, bad decisions, lack of achievements, addictive behaviors, etc. I've had enough to get by, but not enough to really want better things for myself, or think that I deserve them and could actually have them. That sucks. I want and need to be able to depend on myself, and other people need that from me. I'm worried that when things go wrong, I don't even have my own back. I want to be good at something, have some sort of purpose and I don't know what that is.

****

I added that to the "too depressing" drafts. Of course, I haven't figured things all out since then but I'm at least feeling more on the upswing and less like everything is crushing me and I can't talk about it 'cause no one will understand. But sometimes getting the thoughts - however crappy - out is the answer. You know?

So, back to the thoughts of the nervous variety.

I'm so weird around people these days. After so many years in customer service, it seemed like I had overcome my shyness, but maybe it was only in remission. I'll see someone I know at a store and instinctively want to hide and avoid them - even when it's someone I like and wouldn't mind talking with. I think it's that I can place so much importance on interactions that I'm setting it up to be awkward. Don't let them see that you want friends! Don't linger too long! Stop being such a dork! Most of the women I've met in recent years have been through J knowing their husbands, and I'm still embarrassed that the last one I met I awkwardly hugged before leaving and that may have been a bit forward. "Hi! We made chit chat once and you seem pretty cool, therefore INCOMING HUG-BOMB GRRLFRIEND!" Oh well.

Oh, speaking of awkward hugs - I think I picked up being huggy from a couple of incredibly sweet wannabe hippie friends from highschool. (Incidentally, I also picked up smoking pot from them. Weed and hugs! And doodling! Those were the times.) But looking back, I think I could've used more discretion with my hugginess, especially with dudes. I remember going to Dunkin' Donuts (probably high or about to be) to pick up some donuts on my way to my boyfriend's house, and after I paid and was about to leave, the little guy behind the counter in a thick Indian(?) accent asked quietly "Miss? Can I have a hug?" and it just threw me off guard, but I was all "sure, yeah". And he just came around the counter and held me very tightly for a moment and said thank you and that was that. Could've been a potentially creepy situation (I think there was only one other person in the store, working in the back), but it was totally fine. On the other hand, there was a time after hanging out with a guy friend that I never would've felt threatened by, that turned into this crushing hug of steel that WOULD NOT END. And there was heavy breathing and a sweatpants boner involved and it was just bad. Hugs, people. They can go either way. If you have a story of inappropriate/badly timed hugging - on your part or otherwise, please tell me!

On a blog note: hey, Blogger added some new templates. I wonder if most people, like me, use a feed reader and don't click over to the blog much anyway. But still, nice to have some other options.

Battlecats (not so much)

2010-05-04T14:50:00.006-04:00

Since the weather's been nice, the cats have been spending most of their time getting in prime snoofing positions at one of the windows. (Aside: Have any of you used the window perches that are designed for cats? Reviews are mixed, and it sounds like they may not work properly with the replacement windows we have. But it would be better than having them sit on the kitchen table - we never eat there anyway, but still...) Gracie (pictured) is staying vigilant with her scout duties and once it gets dark out, there have been recurring Tail Poof Alert! situations. While it's incredibly cute to watch her scamper back and forth between the kitchen and living room windows while poofed up to twice her size, something seemed to be really stressing her out. Which led to her hissing, growling and tearing a hole in the window screen (now taped over, all classy-like), which caused Arlo to engage 3x Tail Poof! and make his horribly sad I'm-a-cat-baby "Mow wow wow aaoooow" wail while pacing nervously under the table. And I don't know, I was all worried like there was a raccoon or coyote or a shark out there ready to lunge through the window and eat my cats, but of course couldn't see anything. The next night when Gracie freaked out, I spotted her nemesis - the Anti-Gracie! Which is, a slightly scruffy outdoor version of Gracie sitting there all like "Hey indoor cat! I'm in yr yard, scopin yr birdeez!" And sure, I'm probably putting too much thought into cat behavior, but does this cat want to make cat friends? Just likes our yard? Likes to taunt our cats? Wants to be #1 Gray Cat in the 'hood? The odd thing is that when we had Jonesey, he had a similarly-colored doppelganger cat who would come by and stare at him, too. Woooeeeoooh! Also, I found it odd that Arlo - who seems more of the dominant cat in the house and likes to start shit with Gracie - resorted to crying while Gracie seemed ready to fight. I guess if another cat shows up who looks like Arlo but with a goatee (that's how you know he's the evil one) then he'll be ready to throw down.

Where to go from there

2010-05-03T13:00:00.004-04:00

I've got some bad thoughts weighing me down, and they would be easier to brush off if it was just my silly anxiety/worrying thing that I do. But what gives me that sinking, hopeless feeling is stuff that really has truth to it (I've disappointed everyone around me, I'm so afraid of dying that I'm not really living, It's not just that I think I'm fucked up - other people see it too, What good am I, etc.) Everyone has their issues, plenty of people have much MUCH harder stuff to deal with, but I get to that point where I feel as if everything is so royally fucked up by my own doing or not bothering to do that I can't think of a person who is more worthless. And I don't know where to go from there except to cry. (I know, drama queen much?) I keep thinking that I really need someone to talk to, or you know, I could at least be a better friend to myself if I'm gonna be alone all the time. And it's not like I'm never happy, I just have a hard time leveling, I guess. I can surround myself with little comforts (been a bit over-spendy lately - more on that later), but I feel like I'm grasping the air for a truly comforting thought to keep me grounded at times like this.

Eggshells

2010-04-28T14:26:00.003-04:00

Well, it's probably an ill-advised way to come back to the blog, but things have been quite uncomfortable at [an area where I spend a good deal of my day to day time] and I need to get these thoughts out.

Let's say there's someone in your proximity who appears to be upset. And it's a long-lasting kind of upset. A huffy-puffy, deeply sighing, drawer-slamming, muttering obscenities to themselves kind of upset. And this upset seems to have coincided with reduced talking and niceties in your direction. If you are a reasonable and mature person, you probably would just ask the person what's wrong, right? But if you're nervous and underconfident like me, you have to think it to death first. Let's explore the possibilities.
- The problem is with me and I should realize that and what I've done wrong and apologize for it. Shit. (The problem with facing up to this scenario is that in trying to think of what caused this, I've created a whole list of irritating things I could've done recently, and don't exactly want to call attention to those items if they are not in fact the source of irritation.)
- The problem is with me, but it's mostly a general annoyance that can't be narrowed down to a specific incident. Said person is simply fed up with having to act nicey-nice with me on a daily basis and is choosing to be distant instead of confrontational. (Hey, I can certainly be irritating and moody and not fun to be around myself. I also was thinking that sometimes I think I'm being just as snarky and sarcastic as the next guy, when it actually comes off as really cold and bitchy and I hurt someone's feelings. Eesh.)
- The problem is a general one, a lot of stressful crap going on at the same time, etc. I am just one of many irritants on the shitlist right now and should proceed with caution and in the nicest way possible.
- The problem is a general one, etc. and it's not even about me! Does everything have to be about me?

So... it's been awkward. My attempts at niceties have been deflected, so I'm trying to just be politely quiet and hope that it blows over soon. BUT, is said person just waiting for me to ask what's up? I'm afraid to, honestly. The only good thing (if it even is good) about this is that I'm taking note of how sucky it is for the other person when I act this way and should avoid this happening in the future. I have certainly done my share of being Princess Pissy McSighing Pants in my time, and usually the culprit is that I am upset with someone but have no rational/healthy/productive way of dealing with it, and well, it's a pretty passive/aggressive behavior. If I was just upset in general, I would probably just be giving the vibe that I wanted to be left alone. But I don't know! I don't know what other people think and I obviously spend too much time guessing!

What about you? Are you prone to crabby silences? Are you the one who nips these things in the bud? Am I a bigger jackass than I thought?

A new week, a new month, and finally a new blog post

2010-03-01T15:33:00.007-05:00

Hey! We made it through February (one of my worst months, mood-wise) and now seems like as good a time as any to get back to the old blog.

I've been doing real important-like stuff, such as:

Getting hooked on and watching 5 seasons of LOST (love you streaming Netflix!), so I could get caught up and watch Season 6 in real time without having to avoid the internet/spoilers. But guess what? Watching a show like this as it airs SUCKS - with the waiting, I mean. Ohhh they are going to drag it out, and I want to know NOW! Next episode, please! I will try not to go on and on about it, but please excuse me if I go all LOSTified on you because I have no one to talk about it with, though I do keep commenting aloud to Justin - who is sitting in the office and doesn't watch the show - things like "Wwwhat? Gaahhh! Noooo!" or fun facts like "Hey, that's the fifth person from Deadwood that's been on this show!" It's a good series to get immers- no, wait for it - lost in *snort/eyeroll*, but I hope this final season starts getting a little more satisfying.
Reading more, or well, trying to actually complete more books that I check out from the library. My attention span gets pretty bad sometimes, and in combination with having a run of bad luck with books that just aren't... engaging enough for me at the time, I've been reading but haven't had a good can't-put-it-down book in a while. Do you give books 100 pages before you give up if you're not interested or disappointed by that point? Or are you in it til the end? I did join Goodreads, (along with my less-updated account at LibraryThing) so that should help with future recommendations, feel free to give me a holla if you're tracking your reads there too.
Taking comfort in smells and beauty products. I tend to go a little smell-crazy during the winter and feel like hoarding lotions, scrubs, shampoos, etc. even more than usual. Probably because things smell better to me during winter when pollen-type allergies aren't in full force. This winter I've been digging my Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy favorites, all in the "Sleep" line - Milk & Honey (which they totally could've called Spiced Tea in my opinion), Black Chamomile (which smells different every time I use it, but is comforting and even a little sexy, also somewhat unisex smelling) and the favorite of most, Lavender Vanilla. I also had to pick up the new Sandalwood & Fig lotion from the Sensuality line, because I'm a big fan of most things sandalwood, and most things aromatherapy. The Sandalwood & Fig is a bit fruitier than I expected, but calms down quickly and has a nice lingering after-smell once it's absorbed (that probably smells different on everyone, so it should be sampled first). It's not everything I hoped for, and is a bit reminiscent of their Black Currant & Vanilla (also in the Sensuality line, and also doesn't quite smell like it's name) only with a soft sandalwood note instead of the stronger patchouli, but I like this the longer I wear it - although it would probably be too sweet for warmer weather. I also give an honorable mention to the True Blue Spa Sweet Fig & Argan lotion, which really doesn't seem that sweet or figgy, it's more of a spicy, incensey, Aveda-type smell that would probably be way too strong for summer but is nice and warm for this time of year. And when I'm not smelling things? I'm reading about fancier smelly things and imagining how they smell and debating about buying them (and thinking OMG, how do people afford these fancy $100-200 perfumes? And lots of them?) Must have steady flow of new smelly things, have smelled everything at B&BW, time to expand my horizons! So I ordered some (affordable!) perfume samples and will probably talk about them once they're in my eager hands, though it might just be "Me likey smelly! Smell gooood!"

I'm sure there's been more going on, but I guess I've mostly been taking comfort in the little things and trying not to let the winter SADness and anxiety take over, and am starting to feel a bit more - dare I say normal? - these days.

Have also been followed around and talked to a lot by Arlo who has a steady supply of two flavors of kibbies, treats, nip, toys, shower-lickins, another cat to play with, lots of pettings and scroungings but is still perpetually BORED. He looks in my eyes, and reaches up to tap tap me on the leg (which is cute until he stretches and digs his claws in) and mrow-wows repeatedly like he's trying to tell me something. What is it, kitteh? I toss him a toy and he's all "Play time! Fun! Oh, wait nevermind. Counting down, ten seconds until BORED!")

So much in common

2010-01-05T13:38:00.005-05:00

Who's fuzzy and gray? Who's got a pooch belly and an attitude? Who demands attention but can't be held for too long without the claws coming out? Who needs a good snorgling? Aww. Yes you doooo. Who sometimes needs a little help cleaning her-- alright, enough with the similarities.

Who needs to write a real post? Whooo? Yessss, yes she does!

He totally said "there will be snacks"

2009-11-10T12:27:00.000-05:00

Well... farts. I don't write, don't call, don't blog, don't even talk that much these days. But I want to. Living all cooped up inside my head is cool and all, but lonely. And repetitive.

I've been baking (heh) more lately in hopes that I will eventually create something awesome that I can recreate for some holiday gathering, but my lack of kitchen confidence is sort of holding me back. I look at recipes all the time but then get all lazy and indignant - too many ingredients I don't have around, too many steps, eggs and egg substitute, WTF?! I've been all about baking cookies in previous years, then got into making quick bread type things. (While I feel pretty bleh about bananas, I cannot have banana bread around without snarfing it up. And it's around a lot. SNARF x 12.) So we'll see where this goes. I'm thinking maybe pie.

Sort of speaking of holiday gatherings (I know, I don't want to either), we're thinking of having Thanksgiving at our house again, if other parties are willing. The only problem with this is - oh wait, there's a kind of a bunch of problems, depending on how fretful I feel. The big one is that we have no dishwasher. What we do have is a formerly working dishwasher that is now dead and works as a big dish drying rack / playpen for the cats. I know you're probably saying "Hey dummy, why dontcha just get a new dishwasher?" Which we were going to. But then it appears that the old one is going to be a hassle to get out, as - I probably won't explain this well, but - the ceramic tile comes up higher than the part of floor the dishwasher is on without much of any wiggle room - which looks like it will cause a problem getting the old dishwasher out without breaking some tiles (and there are no extras to be found) or busting the countertop. I don't know. It looks like a pain in the ass, is what I'm trying to get at here. And the nice gentleman at Home Depot warned us that the delivery guys will hook up a new dishwasher, but they're not going to do a lot of screwing around if the old one doesn't come out easily, or if we don't know how to shut off our water before they get there, or if they don't feel like it or something. So we've said "Bah!" as we do a lot of things, and while I signed up for dishpan hands - I'm uh, not too good at keeping up with the dishes. All of this is to say that Thanksgiving generates a lot of dishes, and a lot of people hovering in the kitchen saying "why don't you use your dishwasher, dummies?" and a lot of well-intentioned "helping" which for some reason makes me want to shoo everyone out with a broom. Oh and we don't have a dining room either, so the table is in the kitchen too - and blah blah blah, we'll figure something out I guess.

Oh hey! We went out somewhat recently. To a show! We saw Andrew Bird and St. Vincent! Andrew Bird is... he's really talented, you guys. When I first heard people raving about him and checked out his music, I didn't see what the big deal was. But the more his songs popped up along with artists I liked on Pandora, the more I'd get his whistles stuck in my head or go back and say "Wait, who was that?" and I got hooked. He put on a good show, and I was actually a bit surprised at how down to earth he seemed. I somewhat expected him to be a bit of a stuck up hipster like "Twaah, behold my classical training and nuances..." But he was really cool - I liked how he spoke to the audience and even pointed out mistakes he made in this charming, absent-minded professor type of way. I liked St. Vincent too, and their band paired nicely with Andrew Bird for a few songs. Annie Clark (lead singer) is this beautiful doll of a woman who starts off singing in this soft, lilting almost Tori Amos style voice, and then by the end of the show she's cranking up the distortion and aiming her guitar at the speakers, giving the audience seat-rumblers and making our ears ring. It was pretty sweet all around.

In I Can Never Go Long Without Mentioning the Cats news: they're doing very well, and we are really glad we ended up adopting two. When they're not chasing each other around and knocking shit over while wrestling, they'll pull out one of these and overwhelm us with cuteness.

Shake us free

2009-10-01T23:16:00.000-04:00

Lately, all I seem to feel is mad and sad. Tired when I shouldn't be. Unable to explain myself properly. Frustrated. Lonely, yet needing lots of alone time. I should've written the other morning when I was the "up" side of me and not the more commonly seen glum side.

I feel enormously guilty for some of the thoughts I have about my family... That I love them but sometimes find it too painful and/or exhausting to be around them. That I wish I had a few more happy times with my siblings to think of rather than just replaying the fucked-up ones in my mind. That maybe we all have some degree of mental illness or personality disorder. That it could be passed on to the next generation. That my mom tried so hard to prevent her kids from turning out fucked-up, and we still pretty much did anyway. That I used to feel like I could somehow be the one that could make things alright, and now I just feel distant and useless.

This will get too long and late if I get into all of it now, so I'm cutting it short in favor of sleep. Pardon the nighttime sads.

Dude, bro - not cool

2009-09-15T15:21:00.004-04:00

So, I know that calling your employer a dick is generally frowned upon, but oops. Sometimes I forget that even if he talks to me like he'd talk to one of his buddies, I should maintain a certain level of well, appropriateness when responding.

BUT.

He was all "Oh, Patrick Swayze died. Pfft, I never liked the guy. Always thought he was gay after that dancin movie."

And I thought that was a shitty thing to say. Shitty in the same way as when Heath Ledger died, and he said "Aww, boo-hoo. Heath Ledger died. What was it, AIDS? He was in that movie about the queers you know."

Ugh. And also, RARRRGH.

But then again, I think he mostly likes to say things to get my goat. (Done!) Being one of those liberals and all, and him being one of those "Hey, aren't I so politically incorrect it is hilarious?" types.

I shouldn't have let it slip, but we were on the phone so he couldn't appreciate my disapproving look or extreme rolling of the eyes.

Divert and repeat

2009-09-10T13:15:00.005-04:00

I still feel things, obviously I do. Sometimes more than I'd like to or more than would seem necessary. I've always been labeled as sensitive, but usually in a negative way - too sensitive, overly-sensitive, see also: crybaby, get a grip. But what I've noticed is that I seem to have developed some sort of selective numbness that at times seems more of a reflex than something within my control. Like, I'll be having a conversation with someone, and then I get knocked off guard by them telling me something that I find immensely sad, or something that presses my buttons, or something that hurts my feelings in a way that actually feels like a blow to the chest or gut. I still feel it, but then a numbness kicks in. It's like the fight-or-flight fairy is pulling me out of that moment, saying "La la LAA - we didn't hear that! Ok, we did but we are MOVING RIGHT ALONG. Not gonna think about it now, plenty of time to dwell on that later. Yes, that hurt but it's only a flesh wound, really - don't look at it and make it worse. Just keep moving." And I'm calm, but it's sort of a false calm. Sort of a bad calm, when it comes with knowing that the shelves are stocked with thoughts like these that are just waiting to be revisited later.

Nothing wrong with defense mechanisms to protect yourself in a situation. I guess I'm just taking note that this happens, and like most of my coping mechanisms - it may have become flawed. That is, dealing with things by not really dealing with them. Flipping a switch that says "I am not really here, I'm not really feeling this." I seem to get in the habit of doing things to protect myself in the present moment while not really looking out for myself in the future. And here I am.

Craptain's blog: supplemental

2009-08-19T13:45:00.001-04:00

This is going to sound old and persnickety, but doesn't anyone proofread books anymore? The last few times I've bought a new release there have been several typos in it that I just wouldn't expect to see in a professional publication. Doesn't that piss off the author? Or is it the author's fault? (I can just picture a book signing event with some overzealous fan: "Loved your book, but man - that use of 'here' instead of 'hear' on page 22?! What's up with that? No one even re-read the FIRST CHAPTER before it went to print? Weak! Don't even sign it.")

Speaking of books, I just started The Time Traveler's Wife and I hate to seem like I'm jumping on the bandwagon of "they made it into a movie so now it's cool" but I will jump on the bandwagon of "It was a good price and made my order qualify for free shipping on Amazon." I'll probably end up seeing the movie in about 2-3 years, unless I strongly love or hate the book. Most of the time I have a thing about waiting for the hubbub to die down about something before I watch or read it, but then I end up forgetting about it and/or missing the window of caring (i.e. Titanic. Yep, sorry - no one would shut up about it and it's way too late now.) My mom can't BELIEVE that I haven't watched Grey's Anatomy nor have I read anything by Jodi Picoult or Barbara Kingsolver. Eh. Trying to be rebellious, I guess.

There are definite advantages of watching shows after a decent amount of time has passed though. A good example is Battlestar Galactica. Oh my GODS, I'm frakkin' hooked on that show! (Just started Season 3 - no spoilers please!) But if I had to wait an entire week for the next episode or deal with those end of the season cliffhangers I'd go batty. For a while there I avoided science fiction because it tended to make me think about things that would send me into an existential crisis/death freakout/headache. But we've been on a Sci-Fi kick (and don't you hate that the SciFi channel is Syfy now? Ew.) at our house this summer with watching the entire Deep Space Nine series and also working on The Next Generation AND some of the Star Trek movies (though we of course haven't seen the new one yet) and now BSG. Wow - we're a couple pasty lookin' geeks over here, but it's fun.

So I've really not been making the most of the summer weather, but that's not to say I don't enjoy it. The outdoors never feels so nice as when I'm leaving work for the day. When I shut off the florescent lights and step out of the chilly recirculated office air and into the warmth of natural light, it's wonderful. I get in my car and - if it's not unbearably humid - I soak up the heat that's been captured inside and get all happy-sleepy, like some kind of reptile. (And once I've passed through the hood, I can put the windows down and enjoy the breeze.) Just let it stay in the 70s for a nice long time...

Not what I meant to say

2009-07-29T15:36:00.009-04:00

I've been on these continuous birf-contro pills for several cycles now and have to admit - not missing the ol' period. No sir. Not missing it! But, there are always drawbacks with these things. The PMS, I still has it. BIG time. Maybe even for a prolonged time each cycle, or so it seems. It's a force too great to be diminished by some measly pill. And as such, I'm feeling positively nutty right now. I'm mad! I'm furiously mad and I want to talk about it! Go ahead, you say? Well, I don't damn know what to say! Forget it, I'm stupid. I'm just a horrible person and it turns out I'm not mad, I'm sad. Deeply horribly sad. I don't want to talk about why, but I want you to want to know why. That will make me cry and feel better and scold myself for being ridiculous and uh-oh, start this process all over again. Don't back away. Yes, I want to be alone but I don't mean it, I don't think. I don't know... about anything. I'm trying to make light but it really fucks you up to feel so - I don't know - out of sorts? Especially being someone who doesn't have all her sorts in a row in the first place.

Oh, I've thought about doing stuff

2009-07-23T15:22:00.000-04:00

I think about blogging way more than I actually blog. Does that count for anything? No? Well, that's why I won't be at BlogHer. Well, not the only reason. I'm not sure I'd be qualified (or invited?) to attend - what with the whole not blogging on a regular basis, or having a large number of followers - and you know, not being "in it to win it" and all that. But if I were those things, and if I wasn't so anxiety-ridden about being in new uncomfortable situations, it would be pretty cool to go - especially to this one, since Chicago is probably the closest anyone will come to my area. Heh, my area. I am apparently good at thinking about blogging and being a fan of other bloggers (and babbling to J about them) so uh, I'll just do that from home.

So, I lost my glasses. Which is fine, because I wear contacts. And these glasses were probably 15 years old, hella thick even though the prescription isn't even as strong as what I'd need now, and under no circumstances could be worn outside the house. I accused J of "accidentally" disposing of my fugly glasses, but I don't think he's ever even touched the things. No big loss, I guess. But it kinda sucks to depend on wearing contacts all the time. I tend to stumble around more blindly than usual in the morning. Which brings me to an incident in which glasses would've been helpful.

Arlo was all wound up and playful the other morning, which means he's either been: chasing Gracie, entertaining himself with his toys, biting the feet of whichever groggy unfortunate person is trying to use the toilet, or getting into some kind of trouble. While I'm in the bathroom I hear him messing with the door to the linen closet (the cats just cannot abide a closed door), reaching under it and thwapping around, making a bunch of noise. I open the door so he can retrieve whatever toy he probably pushed under the door in the first place, and he brings it out. I go to pick up his mousie toy and toss it down the hallway for him to fetch so I can close the closet door, and I realize this mousie sure has a lot of spit on it, enough that it feels pretty squishy and gross. Ew. I drop it on the floor. "Um, honey?" I call to Justin "Can you come here and tell me if this is a toy mouse or a REAL mouse?" (Blind, remember) And of course - it was real, and I guess I'm thankful that it was already dead and not - ugh - partially eaten or suffering or something. (Poor mousie - these two probably just annoyed him to death.) But yeah. Gack! Washed my hands several times and made a mental note to both get glasses and to stop buying toy mice that look so damn REAL! (Oh, and I suppose it would help to find out whether there are more. Eek.)

I guess adding this picture of Arlo with his toy doesn't help my story of how "real" the mice look. But again, BLIND! Ass from a hole in the ground? Without my contacts, who knows?

Indecisive, stubborn, hopeful

2009-05-20T14:34:00.005-04:00

I seem to be doing a lot of shopping lately. And by shopping, I mean wandering in circles around a handful of the same old stores second-guessing anything I might want, repeatedly trolling clearance sections, more often than not regretting whatever it is I did end up buying and then telling J about what I shoulda or almost bought. (He LOVES that part!) Oh, and sniffling. Don't forget the sniffling. I can't seem to go out in public these days without my nose running like crazy. (HAI! AM GROSS! AND ALLERGIC TO PEEPLES. GO WAY.)

Of course, clothes shopping seemed easier when I was a smaller size. Then again, I really couldn't afford much of anything at that time (so it was lucky that there were usually a lot more small sizes on clearance than large). Now that the weather is getting warmer, I can't hide under layers as easily. I need some items that I can wear to work (which fortunately is on the casual end of business casual) that aren't so loose that they're sloppy and make me look bigger but not so tight that I feel like I'm squeezed into a sausage casing or worry about playing peek-a-boob. Stuff I can be comfortable (the dreaded What Not To Wear word!) wearing.

There are a lot of cute tops out there, but so many of them have the short puffy or cap sleeves. I have a few blouses like this, but I'm not sure if I should. Sometimes there's a fine line between "feminine flare" and "Polish lunchlady" and I see myself getting closer to the grumbling, mashed potato slinging end of that spectrum. It wasn't that long ago that I thought the three-quarter length shirts were stupid ("Long or short: pick one!") but, now? Three-quarter sleeved shirts, come back! Or even better, elbow length! Give me just a little more arm coverage, please!

Shoes? Pants? Oh God, skirts? Don't get me started.

Our house needs a lot of things too, and I'm trying to get some of those crossed off the list (#1 - Replace ugly-ass old plaid comforter). At least the bedding and bath sections of the stores are slightly less painful. Still, if you hear someone in the back of the store choking on their snot while exclaiming that $20 for a friggin hand towel should not count as clearance, holla!

Three's Company

2009-05-01T11:39:00.006-04:00

Hrmm, I think it's time for another cat-related update (or um, any kind of update).

The Adventures of Arlo T. Underfoot, Jr. and Gracie May "Little Britches" Underfoot continue!
Previously, in "The Playdate That Never Was" our curious duo had what ended up to be quite a short but exciting encounter with the Huge Orange Hissbag Under The Bed (ahem, my mom's cat).

The dialogue went something like this:

Gracie (in high-pitched, overly-cheerful voice): Well, hello there! My name's Gracie, cuz I'm gray, see? Hehhhyeheh. But you can call me Little Bri-

Mom's cat: *Glare* HISSSSS! Grumbles!

Gracie: (Pulls back extended paw) Well dang, aren't you a bitch.

Arlo: HEYHEYHEY! *snoof snoof* What do we have here?

Mom's cat: *Glare* Grumbles! *Ears back* HISS X 12!

Arlo: *Tail poof* Well then, I will be crapping in your litterbox.

Dun Dun Dunnn! The End?

So, the cat-sitting experience didn't go over so well for anyone involved. My mom's cat was SO glad to be taken back home where she could be checked on by a neighbor and spend her free time quietly plotting revenge instead of putting up with us, our unfamiliar house and our lively cats. I do like my mom's cat, but it was sort of a relief when she left (practically drove herself home). Cats don't really tend to enjoy "visits" too much, and our house isn't really big enough for us to give her much of her own space to chill.

Otherwise, Arlo and Gracie seem to be doing well. They have some obsessive-compulsive quirks, but what cat doesn't? Arlo loves to follow and get underfoot, in hopes that you were just on your way to give him a treat or open a door to some restricted area. He needs a lot of attention and interactive playtime, while Gracie is more content to explore and play on her own. Arlo has what I think is a boy-cat tendency to go from purring/lovey to purring/lovey/BITEY-TIME which isn't overly aggressive, but not something I want to continue. Gracie also has an interesting habit of um, nursing on herself. She only seems to do it when she's getting snuggly with us in bed and being petted, and then she gets this intense purr going and does the push-push on her little belly and well, she finds a nip and goes to town. The suckling noises can be somewhat irritating when you're trying to fall asleep, but she's just such a cute little thing. She was the runt of the litter, so maybe she didn't get as much time as needed with her mama. Aww.

I've probably spent way more time than is necessary fretting over the type of food and litter to buy for them. People have really strong opinions about this! I think you just have to go with a balance of what your cats like, what you're willing to spend, and what you hope won't have any adverse effects. I will say that I'm not going to go so far as to start cooking up homemade cat food, or insist that they eat a raw diet like their ancestors (which seems like saying "yeah, you live in my house and all but you go catch your own dinner like your ancestors had to - it's good for ya!") but I do feel a little better giving them something that at least has recognizable, seemingly high-quality ingredients (currently it's Eagle Pack brand) and admittedly, I still hold somewhat of a grudge over the whole melamine disaster a few years ago. As far as litter goes, I don't know if any of them can really make the poop-scooping experience a pleasant one - I'm just using those that don't make me or the cats sneeze too much.

Wow, ok that's a lot of cat talk. *Honk-shu*

The Lady Next Door's Greatest Hits, Vol 1

2009-04-24T13:19:00.003-04:00

Haah? (The I Can't Hear You Song)

Uh-uh, I Ain't Playin!

Get Yourself To Church

Gimme One A Them Seizure Salads And A Parfet

Look Like You Tore Up From The Floor Up

Can't Talk To Me Like That (Not Your Mama Remix)

Bonus Track: 8 Minute Cackling/Pounding Fist On Desk Solo

(Overheard at work.)
(She's a counselor... of sorts.)

Observed

2009-04-16T11:41:00.008-04:00

Some quick church-related items:

Yesterday, I was driving behind a van that was printed with "Follow me to meet Jesus!" and I debated on whether this was a clever idea or maybe a warning not to tailgate?
I know last Sunday was Easter and all, but "For all you do - His bloods for you" on a church sign seems... well again, somewhere between clever and just bad taste.
Speaking of bad taste, I was raised Catholic and remember after my first sip of wine at Communion, I returned to my seat and excitedly whispered "That wine really does taste like blood!" where - as you can imagine - I was quickly shushed.

Morning Bird/Bun Watch

2009-03-27T13:48:00.002-04:00

(I like how she taps his shoulder with her tail, and he's all "whuh, who dat?" while she gets the optimum birdie view)

Pitter Patter

2009-03-26T12:16:00.002-04:00

Well, then. That doctor's appointment I was all nervous about last week turned out just fine, no big woop. But you know, I worry. I'm glad that I held out to be scheduled with the doctor who is so kind and relaxed - no wonder she's always booked up.

The kitties are doing well, it's just a bit of an adjustment period for all of us right now. Tiger (he'll have a real name soon!) and Gracie are most likely from the same litter (if not, at least from the same household) and are about 7 months old - adolescents, I suppose. Well, first we were told that they both were 7 months, but Tiger's paperwork just says "about 1 year" and he is quite a bit larger. Maybe they got it mixed up and these 2 cats didn't even know each other? I need more back-story! It probably doesn't matter - I just thought maybe they'd have more of a bond if they were siblings or litter-mates. They do have some similar features, and seem to get along pretty well (last night, they even snuggled a bit while napping together on the couch - aww!) Tiger can get pretty rambunctious and Gracie occasionally has to hiss and put him in his place like "Hey, I'm just wee, watch out jerkass!" but I've never seen him act aggressively, he's just VERY playful. Gracie is a bit more delicate and reserved and prefers to get a toy in her mouth and sneak off to play with it in private. They're both really good about being picked up and held, and will purr while bonking their head against yours if the mood is right. They turn into little wiggle-puppies while being petted in a reclined position and seem to appreciate all the attention.

I'm sure it sounds silly, but this last week has had me EEKing and fussing quite a bit. I know, they are just cats, cats that we wanted! Much less responsibility than a child, or even a dog! So what am I getting all worked up about? I guess we were just so settled into our quiet old-fart routine, and changes to that just seem to throw us a little off balance. (I know, it was our choice to get two cats so soon after losing Jones - I just hope it was for the best for everybody.) It just seems like I tend to be so filled with doubt and second-guessing about everything, which is a really irritating habit of mine. Life, it can change! And still be okay!

OMG2Kittehs!

2009-03-23T10:21:00.005-04:00

The wee gray one is Gracie... (she came with the name and we like it)

And the bigger kitty is her brother, Tiger (or the kitty who has yet to be officially named by us)

Lookit those lil' faces!

Nervous Girl Is Nervous

2009-03-19T12:27:00.002-04:00

Sweaty palms, sped-up heart rate, spontaneous jibber-jabber, repeated hair fussing, shaky tummy, increased bathrooming... (which reminds me of my favorite search term that led to this blog - "nervous poo poo pants")

All this, just because I have a doctor's appointment in an hour. And it's just a ROUTINE check up, with a doctor I KNOW and LIKE. CAPITALIZED. Sheesh. But still. I probably shouldn't have had coffee this morning.

Also: I really don't want to get on that scale. The digital one always seems to display a number, pause, then adds 3-5 pounds (which is just a drop in the bucket, but still - jerkass scale!)

Also: Upcoming cat-related update!

Also: Thanks for still reading, my bloggy friends. I <3 yous, srsly!

It's okay (or it's going to be)

2009-03-18T11:38:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when the power goes out, I find myself mindlessly trying to do things that obviously require electricity. Like trying to turn lights on while looking around in the dark for a flashlight. Or trying to turn on the stereo because it seems so quiet without the TV on. Maybe it's a shoddy comparison, but I've been feeling similarly mindless with the loss of our cat. I can be thinking about Jonesey all the way home from work and still get thrown off when I don't hear "Brrrmow?" when I walk in the door. I'm so sad that I just want to hold my cat, but that's the reason I'm sad. Sigh. We are creatures of habit.

I visited the local SPCA shelter a couple times last week. I don't know if it's too soon to be looking for a new friend, but it does lift my spirits to get to interact with all those cats (they must have at least 40). There is that familiar feeling of "Didn't we just do this?" - it was only two years ago that our calico cat passed away and we were searching for another cat to fill the void. We were so lucky to find a cat as awesome as Jones, and hopefully we can provide a loving home to another great cat (or cats) again soon.

Crazy cat lady out!

Unexpected

2009-03-03T12:31:00.003-05:00

As angry, sad and depressed it makes me, I can't change that life just doesn't make sense sometimes.

Our furry little friend, the bestest cat ever - Jonesey - passed away early this morning. It came as a shock to us, as he hasn't seemed sick and is only about 5 or 6 years old (we've had him for just two). I found no evidence of him having an accident or getting into something dangerous. He greeted me like he always does during the night when I went to the bathroom. When J found him this morning, he looked like he was just taking a snooze... there's no good way for a pet to go, but we are relieved that he doesn't appear to have suffered. Still, J and I are feeling pretty heartbroken. That cat brought so much joy, love and entertainment to our lives and meant a great deal to us - I just can't believe he's gone. I'm glad we spoiled him a lot and hope he enjoyed his time with us. If I keep thinking of all the what ifs or what we could've done or we should've somehow known, I'll drive myself crazy(er). It's just incredibly shitty and sad.

In honor of Caturday

2009-02-28T11:26:00.002-05:00

It's so tough being a cat...

Facepalmin'

Each one feels like the first one

2009-02-25T11:41:00.005-05:00

Hey, just wanted to let you know that there's a great album - The Weepies' Hideaway - for super-cheap as the Amazon MP3 deal of the day today. By "great", I mean that it's a great album if you like light, catchy, indie folk-pop duos (they're a couple, aww) that are sweet but not obnoxiously so.

Recommended tracks: Hideaway, Antartica, Just Blue

Suggested as background music for: a coffee shop, a laid-back Sunday morning, doing the dishes, something calm and happy that's safe to play around the kids and/or your conservative parents, something chilled out to listen to at work, shopping (I'm pretty sure I've heard some of these songs while at Kohl's - they actually have a surprisingly good mix of indie-ish music playing there most of the time.)

Back with a real post soon.

Oh yes, I do no

2009-02-09T10:30:00.007-05:00

So, not a whole lotta news here.

After hemming and hawing about going back to my original doctor or finding a new one or getting a referral, I finally just went and saw my original, favorite doctor. See, everyone likes her so much that she's hard to schedule an appointment with, and I had been seeing a NP at the same practice the last few times. Trouble is, even though the NP is really nice, it seemed like every time I saw her something got screwed up (wrong prescription called in, not returning my lab results, etc.) and then I worried about the whole not being able to actually diagnose a condition thing. And the whole talking to a colleague about me in the hallway and I could totally overhear it thing. So, I asked to see my old doctor for my yearly exam. The practice said they could only schedule my exam as part of a shared medical appointment (she won't look at me naked unless it's along with a bunch of other naked people?) which just seemed kind of silly. I mean, the point of the shared medical appointment - I think - is to put a group of similar ~~chumps~~ patients in a classroom type setting where they can ask the doctor questions and gain possible insight from others who may have similar conditions. My mom has done this before and said that rest assured, you don't get examined in front of other people, but still. When I read the paperwork for this appointment, I got to the part where it said "Each patient will be given a name tag to identify each other more easily in group discussion" (maybe they had a problem with patients referring to each other as "the one over there with the rash" or "that chick who asked about discharge") or something like that, and I started to rethink how much I wanted to "share".

So, long story long - I called back and asked to just see my doc one on one - even if she won't look at my girl parts - to discuss meds and moods and thyroid worries. I'm waiting for the lab results, which I imagine could range from "My God, you're a 30 year old woman with the stats of a 53 year old man" to "well, nothing clinically wrong here, you're just a lazy fatass" - alright, that's a bit harsh. We'll see. In the meantime, my doctor suggested lots of calcium and vitamin D and to get out and walk during the daytime. She also switched my birth control pill to Seasonique, which I'm a bit skeptical about since it seems like one of those "trendy" birth control pills. Of course I looked around online and read all kinds of reviews saying that this is the worst pill ever and accounts of nonstop spotting and all kinds of bad side effects. But the quote below was by far the best one I read, that's still making me giggle:

"the only problem i had with this BC is that a week b4 my period, i would start to spell bad( if you no what i mean)"

Wellll put. (starts slow clap)

But you have to take birth control experiences and opinions with a grain of salt. I've had several people tell me that BC pills are all horrible and no one should take them, when the individual might have only tried one and most likely has way different hormonal things going on than I do. I'd like to not have to take them either. Side effects certainly do suck, but besides the whole preventing pregnancy thing, there's also the reminder of how my cycle would be without the pills. 7 to 11 days of heavy bleeding and nearly debilitating cramps plus wicked PMS is something I'm willing to tweak with hormones if it means improvement! TMI there, sorry.

Speaking of TMI, you can't really be TMI with me. I mean, when somebody writes a warning about TMI, I'm only more interested. Maybe I'm just not a very classy lady - but I don't shy away from discussing woman stuff with other women. When I was around 12, I wanted to talk about everyone's period experience. When I was around 15, I wanted to hear about everyone's sexual experiences (ok, probably still do) and in recent years, I've wanted to know all about the individual pregnancy/birth/parenthood experiences. So maybe I'm weird in that way, or I just like to be prepared. Or maybe I should've taken that shared medical appointment after all - there's gotta be some TMI going on there.

Before It Gets Better

2009-01-21T14:13:00.007-05:00

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if it is broke, well... crap, I still might not fix it. Where do I even begin? Can it even be fixed?

That seems to sum up issues in most areas of my life right now. The car. My health. Our house. My mind. Our relationship. The accounting crap at work. It all needs some fixing up but even broken down separately it seems too daunting to even know where to start. I tend to fall into the "Oh, bother. What's the use?" shrug and sigh mentality quite easily, but then the problem becomes that there are not only all these things unfixed or undealt-with, but that I hate myself for not doing them. When negativity, depression and procrastination meet, it's amazing the amount of things you can NOT get done!

Anyway, I was going to write this post to remind myself of how happy I felt after just getting my car out of the shop. It hasn't been running well for months, I'd been putting it off, I was stalling at 3 or 4 intersections each way between home and work and there was increasing fear that one of these times it wouldn't start again, for good. But I figured it would be such an AWFUL and expensive problem that would lead to finding out even MORE AWFUL problems that I couldn't afford and that I'd get screwed over paying to fix, that I kind of didn't even want to know. Somehow, the car didn't fix itself. It ended up being $300 - that I didn't want to spend and certainly didn't just have lying around - but what a relief! To just fix it and be done with it! Like normal people must do! Now I can just worry about the shitty roads and other drivers, but not about whether my car is going to make it home or not - yay!

And then of course my "check engine" light comes on just a couple days after getting the car back. RARRGH.

I'm still having cookies for breakfast

2008-12-28T22:38:00.003-05:00

Without being overly critical, I'd have to say the Christmas festivities went quite well. With being overly critical, I'd say that I didn't do enough planning ahead, I should've done more for people, I probably made some bad gift purchases, I should've sent packages, I could've been a much better hostess, blah blah blah, etc. But no major hitches, most likely because we kept everything low key and didn't travel. I feel like we got off pretty easy. I've got to remember that it's hardly ever as bad as I think it will be - it can even be, you know, heartwarming and stuff. I have so much to be thankful for... and I'm fighting not to follow that with any negative statements. (Note: It's okay to let yourself be calm and happy. P.S. Shut up.)

I hope you all had enjoyable holidays too, and if not - at least you can enjoy that the holiday season is almost over. Cheers!

In which I'm failing to find my bootstraps

2008-12-18T14:49:00.004-05:00

I keep almost saying something and then swallowing it. What seems like the end of the world one day, often seems not so major the next. In hindsight I can tell myself to calm down and stop being so damn inconsolable but when I'm within "it", it's hard to see my way out. So I usually end up writing more when I'm semi- to not so much depressed, rather than when I'm seeming moderate to severe. Side note: I need some kind of color coded Nervous-Watch system to define how anxious, sad, angry, relatively normal I'm feeling (i.e. aqua would mean sad enough to feel sad for inanimate objects and hating myself for buying the wrong toothpaste, and so on.) Or not. Anyway. I think my point was that there are days upon days that I probably should write about, or talk to someone about, because these issues, well - they're not REALLY going away, they're kind of piling up as bad as the laundry at our house. I don't expect to feel great and sunshiney every day, it's just the lows get lower than usual this time of year and I'm not finding the best ways to cope with that. And then I feel GUILTY for not coping and blah blah shame spiral blah. I know I'm not crazy enough to not know when I'm being crazy - but well, self-realization is just a piece of the getting better puzzle and all.

The holidays, especially these last few years, have been getting to me. I know, they get to everybody and that doesn't mean people don't deal with them. I'll just say - most of the reason I'm writing this right now is from a less than pleasant talk I just had with my mom that I knew was coming. It's funny how I'll feel immediately 16 again - sorry that I said anything to her and wanting to go to my room and sulk. I feel like on one hand she does at least have an understanding of my... issues? illness? but on another she REALLY doesn't, and maybe still doesn't completely believe it and has a "oh just knock it off already" attitude about it. I don't know how to explain other than it just reinforces the guilt, shame and patheticness I was already feeling. Her voice got flat and short and she was starting that thing where she speaks slowly like to a child that's in trouble "Well whatever you're doing is obviously not working" and I sort of recoiled in a way and felt dumb and pathetic for bringing it up. And feel kind of dumb and pathetic writing about it but oh well. I'm sorry for not explaining this better and doing the stream of consciousness thing, and I'm also sick of being sorry. And maybe when the PMS dies down and there isn't the impending doom of winter storms and white-knuckled driving and everything falling apart or already being broken and the holiday stress bearing down, etc... then I will look at this more clearly.

Also, I need to shop and bake a mess of cookies. (Not a complaint, that's the bright side.)

Coughs Taste Metallic

2008-11-30T11:35:00.008-05:00

Oh, the woes of the last day off before going back to work. But hey, at least it's not sno- aw fuck, it is snowing. Bah! Cold, cruel world!

This year, instead of holding the Thanksgiving festivities at our house, we had more or less decided to spend it up north with my mom's side of the family. But at the last minute, we ended up getting reservations for two in Sickytown. There are better ways to spend a long weekend than going through six boxes of kleenex and comparing the nastiness of horky coughs with your loved one, but it hasn't been all bad. J went out Thanksgiving morning and rounded up plenty of food for us, so we had a nice dinner complete with a big ol' bowl of yukon gold mashed potatoes and gravy - NOM! I attempted to make a chocolate bourbon pecan pie according to Paula Deen's recipe, and I think it would've turned out great if I had given it about twice the baking time that was indicated. Instead, it looked like the pie had set up nicely, but was still too glorpy inside upon cutting into it. Oh well. Yesterday I made another attempt with a pie I'd never made before - cranberry apple - and it turned out much better.

I'm thankful for sleeping in, for the two ridiculously soft blankets I ordered from Amazon that arrived last week, for being able to watch Netflix videos on the 360, for my favorite person to commiserate with, for porn 'staches, for potatoes and pie, oh and for the 'tussin.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

Heeere's Jonesey!

2008-11-18T14:35:00.008-05:00

O HAI. MY I'S R ALL DIALBATED
(DA BETTER TO KILLZ U WIF...)

P.S. Please also see: How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You if you haven't already. Get informed, before it's too late!

Minor Peevances

2008-11-13T14:03:00.003-05:00

When I go to transfer clothes from the washer to the dryer and the Downy ball is open, yet still full of Downy - but of course I don't realize this until I spill it all over the clean clothes, because it was hiding inside a damn pant leg.
Boss still pronouncing it "O-BAM-uh" not Oh-bah-mah. It's like hearing your mom talking about "that Snoopy-Dog" or [insert cultural reference of your teens here]. Cringe.
Meredith Viera.
Socks - most of the time, I don't feel right if I'm NOT wearing them. So how come I have so many crap pairs that either bunch up, fall down, or cut off circulation? Stupid socks.
The sound of nails being clipped.
Sites that work with Internet Explorer but not Firefox.
This bra. I like how the Victoria's Secret Angels/Secret Embrace bras look under clothes and keep the girls in their upright position, but why do they have to be made of friggin mousepad material? It doesn't breathe! Also, the straps suck. Also, going to the store bites. I think I'm gonna have to kick it old school and get bras from Penneys next time.

Talkin bout gratitude, don't give me no attitude...

2008-11-12T12:09:00.011-05:00

Well, how about something a little less negative up in this piece for a change?

The other day, Swistle posted a list of happy, (inspired by the daily gratitude blogging over at Black Sheeped) and I thought yeah, I should get my gloomy ass on that bandwagon for a bit!

Here are a few things that are currently helping to turn my frown upside down - in no particular order:

Genius playlists in iTunes, hearing songs I forgot I had
Something I'm wearing smells good
The Laugh-Out-Loud Cats comics. Brilliant.
Relatively uneventful work day
Those new Quaker Toasted Coconut Banana Macadamia Nut granola bars (sorry, couldn't find a product page for some reason, but got them at Target last week) - a lot nummier than expected.
President-elect Barack Obama (you know it!)
It's time for a new season of Top Chef already? Sweet!
Reading your blogs
Thinkin' about mah boo (J, who needs a better way to be referenced on this blog)
Feeling 30% better than yesterday

If you've stayed there, you know what the accommodations are like

2008-11-11T08:34:00.005-05:00

Maybe that whole seasonal affective disorder thing just punched me in the face, or I'm coming down with something, or I'm repressing too much these days? Because this morning I feel extremely low, like - I can't face the world even though my world is pretty small and relatively safe in the bigger scheme of things - low. I feel... crumpled up and separated from my regular self. But it helps to remind myself that it won't always feel like this.

I'll feel the need to try to explain my depression, defending it like it's something I'm guilty of, because I can understand that when you're not in it or never have been, it seems like it would be easier to snap out of than it is. It's hard to explain to someone who says "Smile! What do you have to be depressed about?" what you're going through. Most days it's manageable, it's some wispy gray clouds in the distance - and then some days it's a raging, thundering storm cloud right over your head. That metaphor probably doesn't quite cut it, but whatever.

I've been coming across a lot of great blogs lately, and I admire and appreciate those who are participating in NaBloPoMo - I love opening my feed reader and seeing a bunch of fresh posts waiting for me to read. It helps. More on that another time.

I'll see you on the other side.

Everyone Has Their Reasons

2008-11-04T11:03:00.004-05:00

Some people will vote for what they believe in. Some people will vote to rebel, some will vote to conform. Some people will vote based on race and some people will vote based on religion. Some people vote based on facts and some vote based on rumors and pre-conceived notions. Some will vote for who they really like, and some will vote for who they dislike less.

For me, I'm voting for the candidate that not only has made me care about politics and the state of this country like I never had before, but someone whose ideas for change and hopes for the future are what I support.

These are some crazy, exciting times, folks. Get out there and vote for what you believe in! (Well, unless like most people you already have voted... then you can um, sit around being proud of yourself or have a hot pocket or something.)

P.S. I'm voting for Obama, obvsly!

Nooo! Not ready! Nooo!

2008-10-25T11:31:00.002-04:00

They're predicting snow next week. Even though it probably won't even stick, this still fills me with a sense of dread. (Teh winter, it saddins me!) And then, there are the upcoming holidays. Last year for Thanksgiving, we had J's mom and dad over, along with my (divorced) parents. Parented!!! J pulled it off extremely well, while I felt like I just flitted and hovered and worried (which I am prone to do) and tried to avoid any uncomfortable discussions. So... not sure what the plan is for this year. It's nice to be at home, but there are also the moments of "Gahh! Claustrophobic! Everybody get out of the damn kitchen!" and stuff like that. But it could be worse. Much worse. So I won't get too worked up about it.

At least it's the season for experimental baking, eh? The treats, they help.

Drug references

2008-10-20T11:47:00.001-04:00

J and I both have sinus issues and usually his treatment of choice is nasal spray - or "nose candy" as we like to call it - but there's only so much of that you can use. So he asked me to pick up some real Sudafed the next time I was at Target (which you have to ask for at the pharmacy and show your ID to get these days).
"Ok, but they're going to put me on some kind of government list"
"For one box of Sudafed?"
"Well, when I tell them that 'I needs to git some REAL Sudafed, the kind with the meths in it, cuz the nose candy just don't cut it anymore'."

Ba dum dum tssht.

Another odd thing I noticed with the whole "ok, we'll sell this to you but it's not like we don't know what you're using it for" initiative was at a gas station that's not too far from a couple shady neighborhoods. Behind the counter - along with the chaw, mini-thins and torch-lighters - they now have a bunch of those Chore Boy scouring pads. Do you think they'd copy an ID of someone who asked for one of those (that uhh, won't melt, will it?) and a butane lighter? Are scouring pads now in the category of possible drug paraphernalia , or is it that crackheads kept stealing them when they were out on the shelves (or both)? I don't know, it just seemed sort of funny, and sort of sad. Maybe I'm behind the times, but I wonder if more and more items will keep being restricted because of druggies. I imagine potheads are somewhat exempt from future restrictions though - they might have to ask for "rolling tobacco" papers but they'll still make a bong or pipe out of just about anything.

What I meant to say was

2008-10-06T16:19:00.002-04:00

I've got to get out of the habit of second-guessing everything. I suppose that goes along with insecurity and indecisiveness (not saying those are my good traits) but geez! It just took me like a half hour to write a stupid two sentence email response. I wrote and rewrote the damn thing, trying to come off as funny-yet-professional, then of course thought of a much better way I could have worded it after it was too late. And what's worse than the initial trying-to-be funny email than a follow-up email explaining "wait, no - that wasn't substantially funny, was it? Disregard that last message and read this belatedly clever response instead! Ho ho... ha HA, my friend! Glad I sent you THAT one, eh?"

Well, at least I didn't do that (the second email). But I did write this.

Update: I earned myself a "Lol" from one of the business-types - I shall let this one rest.

No wonder it has taken me a month to write a damn blog saying not much of anything and I still end up republishing it 3 times. Garrgh.

Words questioned in the making of this post: indecisiveness, belatedly, substantially, clever, et al. (Also just looked up et al. before committing to it.)

JoBo

2008-10-01T11:45:00.001-04:00

Well hey, it's been awhile, again. October? Really?! Ack! Nooooo! Time needs to slow down and I need to speed my ass up. I feel like I'm so behind on everything and for no real (good) reason.

There's so much to be angry and/or worried about! But that's not a good place to start.

In happy news, I got a new vacuum from J for my birfday! Totally unexpected (although J points out that I have been longingly gazing at fancy vacuums while frowning at our $40 vacuum with disapproval for years), so it was a great surprise. And apparently it "nevah. loses. suction." I don't know if I am used to this vaccum's awesome power yet - a sock on the floor that would just get pushed out of the way with the old vacuum would now be devoured from a foot away by the new one. (Not that I uh, leave dirty laundry on the floor all the time or anything, heh.) The cat is both intimidated and impressed by it, and is working overtime to create more fur to be spread around the house. It's kind of gross yet satisfying to see how quickly the canister fills up with dust, fur and other particles of nastiness and how it's fluffed up old cheap carpet that I didn't think could be fluffed. So, score!

In other, crabbier, news: gray hair sucks. More keep popping up, and aren't just silvery versions of my regular hair, but coarse and kinky little bastards that demand attention. I've colored (well, begged people close to me to color) my hair on and off for years, but it sure is a pisser to feel like you have to!

I'm posting this several days late and a few points short, but at least it's something newish for now-ish.

Go Team Nugget

2008-08-21T11:51:00.008-04:00

Not a whole lot is new (I feel like I'm always saying that, whether it's true or not). On Sunday, I'm turning the big 3-0. People over 30 tend to say "Eh, big woop" and people under 30 are more likely to say "Oh, gah... sorry" about this. Ah, well - I don't think I'm feeling any more annoyingly introspective about it than usual. I mean, it's just a number... a big fat number that brings to mind "OMGWTF have I been doing for the last, oh, decade?!" Ahem. But anyway.

Have you been watching the Olympics? It's kind of odd that I have - considering I have minimal interest in any kind of sporting activities - but I always like watching the gymnastics, and the diving is pretty cool too. I just gotta say, that Shawn Johnson is just the cutest little chicken nugget! She just is! I won't go too far with that though, as I notice that there's this trend of people comparing cuteness to edibleness (?) that sometimes creeps me out. Like, yes - babies are cuter than the word "cute" can accurately describe, but delicious? I don't know, I have yet to become a mother so maybe I can't talk. I mean, when we met J's 3 month old niece - yes, she was terribly darling, and sure I pretended to nom-nom-nom her little toes. BUT if I were to sit there and say that oh, she's just so yummy that she should be poached, covered in hollandaise sauce and served for breakfast.... well, that's a bit much. Right? But I don't know. Like I said I have minimal experience in the children department, so I guess if people wanna be all snacking on babies and whatnot that's their own business.

You know, I take forever to do anything. Composing an email or a post takes much longer than it should, and my attention span isn't what it used to be. But even if I take a long time to write something or respond to someone, it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it/them. So I guess it's pretty shitty of me that when I don't hear back from people, my first conclusion is they hate me and everything I've said/written. Because how much fun is insecurity without a little paranoia thrown in?

I've had the office to myself this last week, and I'm not sure that I'm ready for my "alone time" to be over. Speaking of that... crap, I better go get things organized for Monday.

Have a great weekend!

My head a-splode

2008-07-30T12:34:00.008-04:00

Well, the good news is that there's a shiny new (used, but still pretty new) highway-worthy car in the family now! The bad (or good) news is, I don't know how to drive it yet. But J has confidence that he can teach me to drive a stick, and I suppose it'll be a good thing to know. The good news: road trips! The bad news: other people planning road trips for us (No reason you can't go here and there now!) Sometimes I feel like a target for pushy suggestions. I know I'm indecisive but geez, the more people insist that they know how to spend my free time better than I do, the more likely I am to stop listening to their suggestions. Harumph!

I've been highly sensitive and irritable lately (surprise!). The last week especially, I just felt agitated and mean for the most part. I don't like that feeling, the dark thoughts that I have, the wanting to push everyone away. It reminds me very much of behaviors I've seen in my family - and in myself before I got help for depression - and I know how much it sucks to be on the other side of that. Just another reason to stay "on the Z" as now is a really bad time for me to play around with adjusting medication. (Also, OMG RARRGH1!!)

8/1: I wrote this the other day, and I think there was more to say but I'm just going to post as is and move on.

Blurred

2008-07-22T15:42:00.008-04:00

Well... hi.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that I'm not exactly an optimist, but I thought I'd been doing pretty well just going along with life pretending things are okay lately. Well, maybe pretending isn't quite the correct word - it's not that I don't ever feel happy and content with things. It's just that when I do start feeling all carefree and happy and whatnot, there's always this nagging feeling in my stomach, these awful thoughts in my head that want to ruin everything... "Hope you're having lots of fun being all happy and careless while other people are down and out and suffering and doing a lot more than you do, you selfish bitch." Because there has been a lot of sadness and suffering - in my family, even - and it's not that I don't feel it, and hurt because of it, and panic about it at night. But it's that I feel somewhat numb to it all, not knowing how to deal with it has led me to retreat to my bubble because I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make it better. But I also realize that my being numb isn't helping anything.

The weird thing is, he was diagnosed with cancer while awaiting his sentencing. If you believe in God or karma or some sort of higher power, do you think that the timing of this is no coincidence? The cancer may have saved him - at least temporarily - from prison time, but it certainly isn't a trade-off that I think anyone would choose. Do you feel less bad for someone with cancer if they're also a repeat offender that hasn't seemed to want to turn their life around? That doesn't seem right either. It's hard to separate the two things, and it's confusing to try to separate the two personalities I've seen in him. Can you just forgive someone who hasn't asked for your forgiveness? I think in this case I should.

I suppose it's just part of life, part of getting older, but it's these life/death thoughts that give me panic attacks more and more often. I'm terrified of seeing loved ones getting old, getting sick, not being there. I'm terrified of myself getting old, getting sick, not being there... but with the way I've been living, it seems as if I've been pretty scared of life too. I don't know. Existential crisis? Let's not.

So, that's the condensed version. On to less heavy topics next time.

All Mason Jennings, All The Time

2008-06-23T10:43:00.003-04:00

So... we went to see one of my favorite folksingers - Mason Jennings - last Thursday in Grand Rapids... and can I just *squeee* here for a minute? This was especially exciting for me because I have only been to a pitifully small number of shows in my life, and this one was just so GOOD. He played for about an hour and a half, and to my delight it was a great mix of songs from all 7 of his albums. We sat at a table for a while, but then the need to get closer to the stage came over me, so I joined the mass (not really that many) of people bouncing and swaying on the floor. Didn't get to meet him, but he seems like a genuinely nice, talented-yet-humble-about-it kind of person. It was nice to just feel the music and be happy and not let my usual nervous self take over. I just... can't even properly explain how much his music means to me. So, so glad we were able to see him live. Weeeeooooo!

I would definitely recommend seeing Mason Jennings if you have the chance, right now he's touring with Jack Johnson (not at the show we went to) and Money Mark (who we saw, gets funky on the keyboards).

Um, I wish I had my own video to post. Instead, this is one from youtube that looks most like the performance I saw.

Mason Jennings' Official Website

Mason Jennings Interview on Yahoo!

Be Here Now video on YouTube

Blah blah shopping, blah blah girly stuff

2008-06-18T21:33:00.011-04:00

Oh, the mall - she's a cruel mistress. But the semi-annual sales! They beckoned! It now makes sense that Victoria's Secret and Bath & Body Works are owned by the same company, and seem to do their sales at the same time. Go to both stores and you get lost in this time warp slash customer service loop and before you know it, it's been 2 hours and you're sweaty and tired and you kind of hate people and don't even care what you purchased. One of the things I purchased, it turns out, is a bra that still has the clunky fuckin security sensor still attached to it. Great. I kindly listened to this girl's spiel about the stupid VS credit card so her manager would stop glaring at her and insisting she give me a mesh shopping bag. (Really, I think the mngr was standing behind me mouthing "Bag? Did you give her a bag?" and the girl had to stop and say "no, she's about to check out, she didn't want one" and then apologize to me, because apparently giving out the boogered up shopping bags is a HUGE DEAL, because it's so goddamn CONVENIENT for the consumer. Sure, I might not want to expose my lingerie selections to everyone, but they need to back off a bit. You so much as lay a finger on a bra in there, immediately a salesgirl is thrusting a bag toward you "How about a bag? Taaake eet! Shopping more convenient with bag! Take thee bag pleeeease!" You can already have a bag, and they try to give you a bag, it's seriously redonk.) So I'm gonna have to dodge her again and take back the bra (which probably doesn't fit anyway) and prove that I didn't try to steal it, they just didn't take the stupid security tag off... because trying to give/sell you crap that you don't want is more important than your actual purchase! Bah. And they charged me twice for something B&BW, which I realized while in the parking lot, so I had to go through the cluster-fuck of salespeople again... (no bag thanks! Just trying to make it to the register!) and was seriously needing to mainline some of their Tranquil Mint Aromatherapy by the time I got out of there. (But hey, the aromatherapy line of stuff really is good! And 5 bucks each instead of 13!) Oh and how come both stores have to always be about 90 degrees inside? Seriously, I wonder if that's on purpose to make people delusional and spend-happy, or if it's to get people in and out quickly because they are SWEATY and THIRSTY and CAN'T BREATHE in there.

Oh I am just a crotchety ol' thing, aren't I?

But hopefully a good smelling one.

Also, the required asking for phone number, email address, etc. kind of crap whenever you try to complete a transaction is really annoying. Why don't I just shop online? Because shipping from either place takes FOREVAH!

And I go on like this.

/shopping rant>

Nobody, that's who

2008-06-10T12:07:00.001-04:00

Whew doggy, is this blog stale or what? You might say I've been keeping busy elsewhere. Or, you might say I'm just a lazy sack of shit. Let's move on!

In work-related news, we moved into the new office pretty smoothly. For the most part, it's a step up from the old place and a lot more officey and professional looking. We're downtown now, and thankfully downtown has improved somewhat in the last few years. And maybe it's just that my extra layer of fat is working as a protective shield, but so far there's been much less random yelling of things or being accosted by shady strangers than there used to be. So that's a plus!

My car, however, is not enjoying the downtown driving. Or probably any kind of driving, but stop-and-go, stop-and-go type of traffic is especially unappreciated by it's not-so-good transmission these days. We'll see what the shop says, but hopefully I can afford to get it fixed and get some more life out of it. Ugh.

So, the shows on Bravo are horribly addictive. Did anyone else watch Step It Up & Dance? Niiick! Coooody! Mmm, a Nick and Cody sandwich! But yeah, good show - just ended last week. I'm also an avid watcher of Top Chef, which is almost over... but then, new seasons of Shear Genius and Flippin Out are on the way - it just never ends! I... I can stop any time!

Well, Father's Day is coming up and as usual, I'm still at a loss for finding just the right thing. Even with cards, I get so frustrated year after year of looking at the stereotypical sentiments. Beer, golf, fishing, farting and always having been there to shell out cash to your unappreciative kids is apparently the gold standard of Father's Day cards. Where are all the cards for the "dysfunctional but working on it" families with recovered alcoholics, foggy memories and estranged relationships? Wait, no - I've seen some of those new age type of cards (Dad, you were always there/ except for when Mom kicked you out/ but you were there in spirit/ and that's what truly counts!) and uh, they are sometimes more painful than just searching for that short and sweet, somewhat generic but not completely unthoughtful sentiment.

Catch up with you later. I'm off to find lunch.

Updated to add: Speaking of cards, for dads with a (dark) sense of humor, there's a Father's Day selection at the highly-recommended someecards.

Let's Get Lost

2008-04-03T13:21:00.002-04:00

I seem to have the kind of voice that makes people drift off while I'm mid-sentence. (I'll have to put that on my next job application/resume under leadership skills.) Ok, so being a dynamic speaker doesn't come so naturally to everyone, big deal. The bigger problem is that I just don't feel that I can express myself like I used to, or relate to people in the same way I used to. And it's like I'm clogged up with stuff I can't say, or even write. At some point, I just... got quiet. The book I'm reading happened to have a line in it about how when you're quiet so much of the time it doesn't make people think of you as being deep or thoughtful, it just makes them forget you. Or something to that extent. But - and I know I've said this before - then when I am feeling "talky" it just all comes out like verbal vomit. Or maybe dry heaves. Either way, you'll want to watch out if you're in the vicinity. Guhh, when did I revert to my adolescent years and become so socially AWKWARD again?

In work-related news, we're moving our office again. It sounds like our new location will be more "officey" and hopefully will be a better fit, although I'm a bit skeptical. So um, do you think it looks shady when a business has a really vague, nondescript name, a weak website, ridiculously long and hard to remember email addresses, and then also moves every two years? I'm just sayin. But hey, maybe we're on the up and up. I hear that this new place will probably be equipped with both hot and cold water options in the bathroom - faan-say!

The family-related news is just not good, and has been looming over me these days. Again, involving my brother that is often in trouble and now has a major health issue on top of everything else. It just makes me feel... well, sad and conflicted but also guilty. His situation is out of my control at this point, but I just feel like I should do or should've done something - even if that's just praying and thinking positively - and I haven't been that good at even doing that.

Well, I feel like I'm just throwing out negative after negative, so how 'bout I switch to a lighter topic? To cheer myself up lately, I've taken to online shoe-shopping. Oh, I haven't been blowing a bunch of money on it - mostly just spending a ridiculous amount of time perusing and considering items I MIGHT buy, eventually. Buying shoes is one of those stereotypical things that people expect all women to do compulsively, but I have to say I'm... well, somewhat clueless when it comes to footwear. I also am cheap and have to get it through my damn head that maybe in this case quality is more important than quantity. Thus, the pile of clearance shoes that hurt or don't fit right and are sitting around not being worn. I ordered some Clarks from Amazon recently, because I like how they look and they seem to have a reputation for being comfortable and of quality, (and ok - they were heavily marked down) but while they are cute and all, I'm not finding them as comfortable as I hoped they would be. The comfort and fit will vary from style to style within the brand you say? So I can't just pick a brand and assume all of their shoes will be wonderful? Well, shit. Now I've got a pair of Softspots shoes on the way. Have I tried these on before? No. Has anyone personally recommended them to me? Um, no. I just thought they looked nice as well as functional, and I'm taking a chance that they are as comfortable and pillowy as they claim to be in the description. And, alright - they were 30 bucks BUT they were 70 originally. Eh? Do I just set myself up for bad footwear? Or does cost not necessarily mean quality? Because I've read all kinds of awesome reviews of Dansko shoes, none of which are under $100 and yet, the almost-new pairs that were (granted) handed down to me... well, they really aren't too impressive or comfortable or anything. Maybe it's just me. If you have shoe advice, please share. I know trying them on first is a no-brainer, and I do when I can but I just haven't been too happy with the shoe selection around here, so I've turned to the internets. So, do you go for looks or comfort or clearance? Do you have a favorite brand that's never let you down? Do you have wicked high arches like me? Haalp!

Awkward Pause

2008-03-20T15:03:00.004-04:00

So, the dentist takes a quick look at my teeth this morning and clasps his hands together and smiles. "Well, let me start by asking you this: do you have good dental insurance?"

Ha!

Um, no. As in: yeah, none.

I should've said "And now ask me what kind of work I do"

Wait for it...

"Insurance!"

But it turns out the work needed isn't too terrible. Need some bonding where my stupid gums have receded too much. But still, it sucks to look at spending $100 per tooth, when they say that insurance would cover 50-90% of it, if of course, I had said insurance. Then again, I know it could be much much worse.

Also, it's funny to hear the dentist say "Fascinating... this is the kind of x-ray that dentists want to show other dentists and talk about." I'm assuming he meant the screws and other signs of my jaw surgery, and hopefully not like wow, everybody look at how impressively shitty her teeth are.

My head is hurting, which probably means the onset of a menstrual migraine and/or I need to replace my contacts. Sheesh, just a barrel of monkeys over here!

And yes, since you axed, I have been watching American Idol this season. That's why at our house you'll hear J in the background exclaiming "Arrgh! That's just god-fucking-awful" or "Stay on the beat, damnit!" And of course I can't watch quietly either, I'm usually all "Whaat?! They loved that? Pffft!" But I guess some people must've agreed with me, seeing as how Surly McRaspyvoice finally got voted off last night. Alright, that wasn't nice - I'm sure she'll do well... um, as a Melissa Etheridge impersonator or something? I don't know.

Hey, are any of you into this Twitter thing? I just joined and I know, it's probably like any other web phenomena - as in: now that I'm doing it, it won't be cool anymore - but if you are so inclined to follow my day to day minutia or share yours... well, you know, holla!

Some People Have Real Problems

2008-03-04T11:46:00.007-05:00

I'm liking this album for several reasons. If you've never heard of Sia - well, I won't attempt to compare her to anyone else - but I'll just say she's got an amazing amount of white-girl soul, she's sassy, and she's an Aussie (extra points)! I'm a big fan of Zero 7, who have featured her vocals on several of their tracks (remember Destiny? I think it got a bit of airplay.) Sometimes the up and down vocal runs (a la Christina Aguilera and most other female pop vocalists and Idol contestants) can be a bit too much, but damn, when Sia lets go and belts those strong, clear notes it is just a powerful, beautiful thing that gives me chills. I'd recommend checking out the tracks "You Have Been Loved" (gets me verklempt), "Day Too Soon", "Buttons" (fun, upbeat single I've included in my "workout mix" for if I ever um, actually get my ass around to working out - freaky video though), and "Distractions" (on the Zero 7 album Simple Things) or you know, tell me to email you some tunes or whatevah.
I also can't help but have a fondness for the clever album title and cover art. I love her expression of being in la la land while drawing on her face with markers. Alright, maybe I am partial since I once did this myself - although it was probably at age 5. I vaguely remember getting up in the morning before everyone else and having this brilliant idea of drawing "makeup" on myself, and being quite proud of my work. I think I scared the crap out of my mom when she saw my garish, clown-like makeup job that almost completely covered my face (who doesn't want to wake up to that?) and I remember being marched to the bathroom and instructed to keep scrubbing until it came off. Not sure if the markers were of the "washable" variety - though I'm sure Crayola didn't intend for even those to be used for decorating one's face. The mental image I have is of these big scary black eyebrows I drew that would not wash off, just faded to a sickly green that stuck around long enough to make me slightly worried that I'd always have a surprised/angry/diseased look on my face. Oh, and I'm sure there were freckles too, as I had been known to draw on a couple of my less fortunate dolls. Lurvely!

So, then

2008-02-21T13:31:00.001-05:00

"If this darkness came from light
Then light can come from darkness, I guess" *

Think I might be on an upswing as of late, and damn it's been a long time since I've said or felt that. So, yay me.

I had my annual ~~cooter check~~ uh, exam this week. Geez, most of the staff there could really give a shit about the patients. I know they get crabby, crazy, sickly people harassing them all the time, but when I am polite and friendly it would be nice to get the same in return. Or you know, to not be forgotten about after giving a urine sample (thankfully, they do have a little cabinet in the bathroom that you put the sample in, so when you come out you don't have to stand around like a jackass AND be holding your warm cup of pee.) But anyway. The NP I saw was really nice, and took time to listen to me and my complaints. So, the meds are being tweaked and my thyroid is being checked again, as it still seems to be a bit wonky despite the previous normal test results. Oh, and if I haven't given you TMI already, I also apparently have tilted lady parts - which I'm surprised no one's mentioned before, but sort of explains some things. Ahem.

J picked up Rock Band for the 360 last weekend, so we've been heh, rockin' out with that for entertainment. Though I can't toot my own horn too much as I've only done vocals so far. (Anyone want to hear me screech "Listen alla y'all it's a sabotaaaage"?) J's got mad skillz though, on guitar, drums and vocals. Have you ever heard the song Green Grass & High Tides? Good Lord, it's like 10 minutes long and most of it is one big-ass guitar solo. So, that's been fun. The cat puts his ears back and stares at us with a wide-eyed expression of both interest and horror, but yet he wants to be around when we're playing.

* From a Mason Jennings song. I've really been digging on him lately. He's folky, clever, and has somewhat of a Bob Dylan-esque singing style. But he's more than that - I'm no good at music reviews - he's just cool.

"These burritos are for my feet" said the truck driver who had no heat

2008-02-12T11:02:00.000-05:00

It was so cold and windy over the weekend that the winter weather advisory actually said "If you don't HAVE to go outside, please do not." We didn't, at least on Sunday when the windchill was way below zero and everything was a blur of white. I'm tired of winter, and having snow inside my shoes and/or socks. Gahhh. You'd think I'd have invested in some big ol' boots by now.

I notice that when I use conditioner, it not only makes my hair soft (duh) but it also makes a gob of it fall out when I rinse. What's up with that? Is it weeding out the weak hairs (and why couldn't it just take out the sneaky gray ones)? It seems to happen with whatever kind of conditioner I use, even when I just use a dab and don't leave it on for any length of time. Weird.

Do you ever have dreams where you kind of morph between watching a movie and being in it? I had some warped Star Wars dream recently, and I was commenting (within the dream) "Huh, I don't remember that effeminate guard putting on lipstick while he's supposed to be watching Princess Leia, nor do I remember the words "bitch" or "vagina" being used in the original Star Wars movie." (Though some people would probably say that's not much worse than the stuff they added to the remastered versions in more recent years.) HA!

Thinking in circles

2008-02-08T12:11:00.000-05:00

I don't have much of anything interesting to tell you. But, I realize I haven't really been telling you much of anything. Because I'll go to, and then I think "Hmm, is this going to make me sound even more batshit bonkers than I feel?" Or, "Does everyone really want to hear about my female problems, my insecurities, or how much I love my cat?" But then again, that's just an example of how much second-guessing I do, to the point of ridiculousness. I don't know if second-guessing is part of the whole family of depression/anxiety problems - seems like sort of a protection mechanism that got way, waaay overblown somewhere down the line. I don't know how to explain it, other than it effects the most mundane day-to-day decisions. It effects important decisions too, but that sort of makes more sense than my thought process for mundane decisions. Like, when looking at a menu - usually something will sound good to me pretty quickly. But it takes me FOREVER because I have to second-guess this choice, and how much I might regret not getting something else, and didn't I just have chicken yesterday, and won't it be horrible if it sucks and I didn't go with some other choice, or will I regret not going with my initial decision? And all these stupid thoughts that DON'T MATTER because it's just fricking lunch and it's not the end of the world, and ohmygod why do I get paralyzed with indecision over a sandwich, for chrissakes?! But still. Imagine that kind of indecisive mental banter through daily activities such as selecting what to wear each day, which route to take to work, doing any kind of shopping, etc. and well, I guess that would bring you to the conclusion that: she must have too much time on her hands, but also: "wow, I see why you're always late and never seem to get anything done!" It's so stupid and trivial I shouldn't have even brought it up. Granted, I'm not like this all the time [Really! I can be "normal" too!], it just seems like I'm having more instances of "Wow, holy neurosis!" lately.

Which brings me to something I read recently on Jung's theory of neurosis:

"Jung's theory of neurosis is based on the premise of a self-regulating psyche composed of tensions between opposing attitudes of the ego and the unconscious. A neurosis is a significant unresolved tension between these contending attitudes."

"Although adjusted well enough to everyday life, the individual has lost a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose, and has no living religious belief to which to turn. There seems to be no readily apparent way to set matters right. In these cases, Jung turned to ongoing symbolic communication from the unconscious in the form of dreams and visions."

I haven't read a whole lot on Jung to say whether or not I'd agree with most of his theories, but that second part especially struck a chord. The thing about reading up on anything medical and/or psychological though, is that although I find it greatly interesting and at times helpful, I can too easily find myself identifying with symptoms that may or may not really be existent in my case. Hence, the being nervous and neurotic and whatnot. It's probably best to take everything with a grain of salt.

So, on one hand I feel like I've said too much and on the other it does feel a little better to actually get this stuff out of my head.

Yargh.

Nervous Overload

2008-02-01T12:40:00.000-05:00

Dude. Snow has gone from "Tolerable but still annoying" status to "Fucking suck-ass, when is it ever going to fucking stop?!" lately.

Did I mention I'm not a big fan of driving? I mean, I'll do it as necessary but during the winter months especially I go into Nervous Mode, worrying about the drive to and from work. I try to tell myself that I've braved these conditions and worse before, that I should be extra grateful to have a garage so I don't have the added bonus of having to clean a foot of snow off my car in the morning and deal with frozen locks and crap like that. "But still!" I'll insist "The schools are closed and people are getting killed in accidents out there! AAAAHHH!" And then I proceed to incorporate awful morbid thoughts into my morning routine... You know, I don't even want to write those down right now, as I'll freak myself out and it just seems like bad luck. But trust me, they are just bad and ugly and unhelpful and not a good way to start the day. There's something to be said for intuition, but I think my anxiety sort of blurs that line because for most of the winter my gut would tell me not to go anywhere.

But, I worry! That's what I do! This isn't called Nervous Thoughts for nothing, right?! Oh, sorry - I didn't mean to yell and clutch at your arm like that.

Anyway, I made it to work safely (granted it took about 35 minutes to make a 15 minute drive) so I'll shutup and be thankful for that. And on the bright side it's Friday and no one else is here at work, so I can turn up the speakers and chair-dance all I want.

Seven Thingies

2008-01-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

Well, here I've gone for a ridiculously long time without anything to write, and I see that Peggasus over at Artsy Fartsy tagged me with a good old-fashioned meme-posting opportunity (Thanks, Peg!). You may have done this one before, I may have told you these things before, you may not care to know these things, but I'm going for it anyway. I tag whoever reads this and is in need of some posting material.

Share 7 random and/or weird things about yourself:

I'm a loud nose-blower. J mentioned that when we're in bed and he hears me pull a tissue out of the box, he braces himself. *Honk*
The first album I obsessively loved (probably around age 5) was Meet The Beatles! from my dad's record collection. When everyone got sick of me playing it over and over on the stereo, I'd go in my room and listen to it on my Fisher Price record player. And daydream about Paul.
I sleep with socks on most of the time. (I gots cold feets!)
I get weirdly addicted to/obsessed with smells. Well, good ones mostly. More on that later.
One of the more embarrassing things I did while stoned was pull over to the side of the road when I saw flashing lights - which, it turned out, were coming from a tow truck. Ahem. *Cough*
I've always liked doing voice impersonations and sometimes pick up the mannerisms or inflections of the person I'm talking with - hopefully not in a way that's insulting to them.
The Prince album with the symbol o[+> as the title (you know, the one with "7" on it) was the first album I owned on CD, and that song is now in my head. (It seemed appropriate to go along with this 7 things post.) He's had his ups and downs and freaky-deakiness over the years but I've always had a special fondness and a space in my music collection for Prince.

Listerine Toothpaste

2008-01-09T12:49:00.001-05:00

Why I thought that the Listerine toothpaste would somehow taste better than the mouthwash, I'm not sure - but I gave it a try anyway. And yes, it does taste a lot like the blue (cool mint I think) flavor of mouthwash, which consists of:

1 part medicine/antiseptic
2 parts menthol cough drops
1 part old man smell*

(I'm assuming they didn't make the toothpaste in original flavor, if so I think it would be the same as above minus the cough drop flavor and with 2 parts old man smell.)

But man, does it leave your mouth refreshed and tingling for a long time after brushing! Plus it doesn't bother my sensitive teeth. So I'd give it a 3.5 out of 5. Just in case anyone wants to know.

*Does it smell like old men or do old men smell like Listerine? Woah-ho-ho...

The Late Late New Year Post

2008-01-07T13:01:00.000-05:00

Hey! Happy late New Year everybody. And thanks for still coming by Ye Olde Blog even when I've been sucky about posting. I've been quiet, but I'm still reading and enjoying your blogs, even if I do it sneakily (through Google reader) sometimes.

We made it through the holidays okay. Having J's brother and his pregnant wife stay with us during the week of Christmas was cool. The baby is due in May and I bet they're going to be great parents. They're kind of in the same boat as I would be in though - not having a whole lot of experience around kids. I gave them the one baby tip I could think of - no honey for infants, they can get botulism! I remember that one because botulism is one of those words that irritates me - it totally sounds like it should be the name of some cult religion instead of what it is.

We also gave the expecting parents one of those safety bath duckies that indicates when the bath water is too hot. I told them I wanted to get them the Dustin Hoffman model of ducky that shrieked "Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!" but they were all sold out. Everyone just looked at me like I was a sick bastard for saying that, but oh well. Really, there are so many hip and clever items for babies and expecting mothers and such out there I'll have to hold back from going baby-shopping crazy for my almost-in-laws.

Anyway, we got a TON of snow last week and now it's warmed up and rainy. While that's a formula for a decent sized puddle of water in the basement (which can be added to our list of Annoying Homeowner Concerns), my mood is still a whole lot better when the temperature is above freezing. But it's too early to get my hopes up that we can just skip on into spring at this point.

As far as resolutions for the New Year, I'm with the team that makes changes in habits at any given point during the year rather than in January. I'm also a procrastinator. But if I must choose one for now, it'll be: eat more fiber. Beneficial and attainable! (Albeit lame, yes - but I'm starting small, ok?)

Relaxed Fit

2008-01-02T20:40:00.000-05:00

1. Our long-term relationship with each other.
2. The kind of pants we're both wearing now.

Annual Holiday Whine

2007-12-21T10:45:00.000-05:00

This is about the point in the holiday spectrum where I feel like curling up in a ball and crying, hiding under the covers until it's all passed.

Well, you know - more than I normally do.

It's stupid. I just blow things out of proportion, and probably set myself up to feel like a shmuck. I used to feel like I was pretty good at gift-giving. Now I feel like everything I give is just an example of how lazy, thoughtless, and lame I am. It doesn't help that I'm about out of money at this point, but even if I wasn't I'm not sure I'd have any more of an idea of brilliant, thoughtful gifts to buy that would make me feel proud to give people. I know the money spent isn't what's most important, but still. Ugh.

Over the last 3 nights, I made up a bunch of cookies from recipes I hadn't tried before. While a little part of me wants to be proud of that, the gloomy-grumbly side of me is just thinking of how they should've been so much better considering the time spent on them, and how I always seem to fuck up at least the first dozen, even when it's a simple recipe. And giving these to my boss is probably just as half-assed as my overall job performance. So there's that.

But, as I'm known to do, I'm thinking of myself too much. I'm my own worst critic, I just tend to think that that's what everyone else thinks of me, if that makes sense. Every little thing I do - good or bad - is probably not critiqued as severely as I think it is. (Er, hopefully.)

And just to pile on the ol' grief, there's the nagging "bad family juju" thoughts in the back of my mind. Last year, between Thanksgiving and Christmas my brother managed to get himself arrested, get out on bond, and then get sent back to the slammer after committing the same damn offense while awaiting his sentencing on the original offense. My parents did what they could to help with legal aid, counseling and support, among other things. But it pretty much threw everyone for a loop and put quite a damper on Christmas. But life went on and he served his time and all that. Then just a couple weeks ago, my mom called to tell me "Your brother's not doing well - he's back in jail again. Same thing as last time." Well, Merry fucking Christmas again. I don't know how to feel. Guilty for feeling angry and somewhat disgusted by his behavior, but then also being honestly angry and disgusted by his behavior. Worried that he might really have lost his mind and that his actions are in some way out of his control. Guilty for not doing more to contact him and help in some way. Sad. Feeling really sorry for my parents, who I imagine are thinking "how did our kids end up being such shits?" (Except they wouldn't say "shits" and might not include my oldest brother in their disappointment - he's doing pretty well, but he is all the way in Australia.) Bah!

We've got company coming to stay with us next week. While they are probably my favorite people to have come visit (J's brother and his wife) - I just feel the pressure. That our accommodations aren't good enough, that I'm too depressed/depressing to be a good hostess. That there aren't enough places to sit or sleep comfortably. That I'm selfish and want to enjoy some alone time in the little time I have off. But again, it's not all about me.

Don't mind me, just venting! I know there's plenty to enjoy and be grateful for this holiday season. Sorry to be such a downer there, folks.

Caught!

2007-12-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

"Go 'way, I'm on tha puter..." [takes a gazillion screenshots]

"Hey! Uhm, nuthins to see here!" [looks for cat porns]

Non-sequitur dream time!

2007-11-28T15:40:00.001-05:00

The other night I had a dream that we went to a new church with our neighbors. And even though both of us are usually skeptical of the kinds of churches that try to be too "cool" and "hip" and "casual", we actually liked this place. We even participated in their churchly icebreaker activities, which led to playing this odd game of charades. So, it was my turn and I was supposed to be a frog - but for some reason, I could only use my facial expressions to demonstrate this. So I'm trying to mime catching a fly with my tongue, and it's not going well. Everyone's quietly watching dumbfounded for a while, and then one eager participant offers "Oh, I know! Are you... SATAN?!"

Well, I thought it was funny.

Whew, now don't get me started on Christmas...

2007-11-26T11:03:00.000-05:00

T-day went over pretty well. The folks all got along, the food was great, and there were only a few minor complications. My dad was introduced to J's parents, and they seemed to do fine chatting with each other and my mom. (No religious debates! Limited hinting for grandkids (Um, look at the cute grandcat instead)! Only a few morbid discussions! Woo hoo!) I guess the only thing I wish I would've done better was be a better hostess. I mean, I wasn't rude (er, I hope not) or anything, and I did become more social and pleasant after having a drink (or two), but still. I just don't like that a) I get frazzled so easily and b)I don't hide it very well, which does not make me fun to be around. Really, there wasn't a whole lot of reason to get all stressed out - I was just assisting J in the kitchen for the most part - being the kickass cook he is, he did almost all of the food, including the huge delicious turkey. Plus, we only had 4 guests, all of whom are close family members - then again, it was all of our parents - together! So, I guess I really have no reasonable explanation for feeling that frazzled, other than wanting everyone to enjoy themselves. I do notice that when it's close quarters and there are people all talking at once that I do tend to get overloaded and just want to get away from everyone. Not just in this situation, but in general. I'm not sure if I was always this way (highly sensitive) to an extent or if this is a more recent development. It could be that I'm just not as used to it due to spending a lot of time alone or just with J these days. Ack! Human interaction! I loved seeing them all, but can't say I wasn't relieved when everyone went home that night.

Anyway, it was great having the long weekend to relax. I slept in and then made coffee every morning (which I never have time to do during the weekdays), read, and enjoyed lots of yummy leftovers (we still have more, even after sending lots home with the parents). So, altogether I really can't complain. Hope you all enjoyed yourselves too!

Tig Ol' Burkey

2007-11-20T12:44:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm not freaking out about Thanksgiving. But I'm also not not freaking out, maaan! Because as you know that is what I do. Nah, it should be fine. It will just be J and I, his parents, my mom, my dad, the cat, and one huge-ass 30lb turkey. As you see, my mom and dad are listed as separate items but they get along fine for the most part, so no big worries there. I just need to keep the folks all chatting or otherwise entertained and not hovering in the kitchen. Think we can get them all to play Wii bowling or some sort of board game? Will we have to rely on the cat to provide the entertainment? Will the dads insist on watching football? Will the moms corner me with wedding questions/suggestions that I can't back out of? Will I be scolded for playing my music, even when it's been carefully selected for the present company? (I know, it's our damn house - but it's happened before.) Will J and I get obnoxiously shnockered in front the 3 out of 4 non-drinking parents? Will I be able to contribute an edible side dish and/or dessert? Will I get my ass in gear and clean the place up adequately enough before Thursday? I don't know, I don't know! Well, we'll just have to see.

So if I don't talk to you beforehand, I hope you all have a warm, happy Thanksgiving (and/or Spanksgiving, if that's what you're into.)

Salud!

These are the days of soup and corduroys (the corduroys I spilled soup on)

2007-11-08T11:27:00.000-05:00

I made some pumpkin butterscotch cookies last night - and hey, they're pretty good! It seemed like an odd combo at first, but the butterscotch sweetens up and blends with the pumpkin quite nicely. I'm determined to try to do more domestic-type thingies lately, to give myself some small sense of accomplishment. Our house could definitely use some extra attention. It's not so much that I don't like things to be clean and orderly, it's more that I have the bad habit of putting things off over and over again. (My reasoning for being a slob, I suppose.) The piles of laundry, dishes, etc. just get so out of hand so quickly - even with just the two of us - it's embarrassing. If I just break things down into small tasks that I want to accomplish each day, maybe it won't seem so overwhelming. (Not that cookies are really a task on the list that NEEDS to be accomplished... wait, yes. Yes, they were totally necessary.)

Thankfully, it hasn't really snowed here yet. Just a mix of snow with rain. Pretty damn cold though. Ugh. I really do like the fall - it's just that in Michigan we sometimes don't get much of one before we get blasted with winter. Bleh.

I'm dragging my feet about the upcoming holidays, and I know that's a sucky way to be. Things are just different now. It feels like instead of appreciating the time we have together, it's a time to reflect on how disjointed our family has become, and think about what we could've been but are not. I was talking to my mom the other night and she said "I just never thought it would be like this... your brother in Australia, your other brother, well... (big sigh), and...." she just drifted off from there. I felt like what she could've said and didn't was that even though I'm here, it's like I'm not really here. For so long, it felt like I was the second in command - behind my mother - of bringing the family together. My brothers, even if they were around, were always distant and/or complicated to reach. But I was there, doing what my mom wanted (albeit begrudgingly some of the time). It's sort of sad that I don't have the inclination to do this anymore - whether it's my selfishness or complacency or both. Now I've sort of drifted away from the family too, when maybe it's the time that I really need to step in and do my part more than ever before. I don't know. Things seem, for the most part, so much lighter and warmer with J's family - but I know it's not fair to repeatedly elect to spend holidays with them and slight my own family. So, I think we're going to invite people from both sides to our house for Thanksgiving (not that we haven't invited them before) and just hope for the best. We'll see. I know everybody goes through the holiday/family stress and they have situations way more complicated than mine - I guess I just wish I was in a better mental/emotional state to deal with it.

We don't talk like we used to

2007-11-01T12:51:00.000-04:00

I don't feel like I've had much of anything good to say for quite some time. So, I haven't. Just being quiet, you know. And the longer you're quiet, the more you get used to it. Not that it's necessarily a good thing. It's not just that I'm not writing here or in any kind of journal - I'm finding it difficult to just write emails, even no-pressure, friendly emails like I used to. I hardly ever answer the phone when calls come in (except for at work, since I have to) and even feel at a loss for words with the people I'm closest to. I'm just foggy and distant, and not in the way the cool kids are. Some of this might have to do with halving the antidepressants, but I feel like if I say that, people think I'm just making an excuse for being a shithead. I wasn't always like this, really!

I have, however, been reading a lot - which, even though is a leisure activity, it's one I don't feel too bad about. Even if it is Harry Potter, because *shut-up* they are totally addictive. Just finished book 6 (thanks for making me cry, J-Ro) and feel the impending doom of the series being over after the next one. I've also been checking out a lot of new (to me, at least) indie/alternative/folky music through eMusic, which almost always perks me up a bit. Yay for buttloads of freshly burned mixed CDs! (What, you thought I'd be all "with the times" and have an iPod by now? Oh hells no!)

Anyway, I don't know if there was a point to all this, but if there was it was that I'm gonna try to talk/write more and see if that helps to get it out, so be forewarned or whatever...

Getting back to the books

2007-10-02T13:01:00.000-04:00

I've finally gotten around to reading some books that were recommended to me ages ago. I don't always do so well with recommends, it's selfish but I usually like to be the one to "discover" the book. I don't know. Nerdish thrills, I guess. Anyway, the boss had loaned me Coyote Blue by Christopher Moore something embarrassing like a year ago, but once I finally gave it a chance it moved quickly and was really quite entertaining. Then I moved on to a loaner from my mom that had been collecting dust - The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. I have to say I was a bit hesitant to get into this, as it is a "mom book" - no offense to my mom's taste in books, but sometimes I avoid them like I would certain drama movies because I just won't feel in the mood for something that's a painful-yet-touching story about overcoming adversity, recommended by so and so's book club, etc. That said, it was a pretty good book and even a bit heartwarming, so that should teach me to judge. And now, I'm finally reading the first Harry Potter book, as J has suggested several times. Yep, folks - had to break down and do it. Now, my excuse for dragging my feet about starting the HP books is that I just didn't think I'd be "into" that kind of thing, and I don't want to feel obligated to read every book in the series - I just don't need that kind of pressure, damnit! But I am assured that they'll be so entertaining and will go so quickly, that I will want to read them all of my own free will. We'll see. (Don't all start chanting "One of us! One of us!")This is just another example of how I'm behind the times with pop culture. I never seem to get around to checking things like this out until after all the hubbub has died down.

---

Well then. I wrote that first part a couple weeks ago. Now I'm on the third Harry Potter book. Go figure. In the meantime, I also read The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove by Christopher Moore and started his first book Practical Demonkeeping - I like his sense of humor and so far the books of his have been really clever and entertaining, great to get your mind off of things. I don't think I do too well with giving book reviews, but I'd definitely give it the thumbs up and nod repeatedly if you asked if it was worth checking out.

Cat Lesson #16

2007-09-27T13:19:00.000-04:00

Scoring water from any source other than the specified "cat bowl" not only tastes better and temporarily cures boredom, but also reminds the human of another important cat lesson: finders keepers.

Dreams... of the future?

2007-09-22T11:03:00.000-04:00

Suddenly, we had a new house that we couldn't afford, much larger and much more elegant than anything I had thought we would call home. I loved it, but knew it must be some sort of mistake - it couldn't really be ours. Three bathrooms! Multiple levels! A beautiful view! It was some sort of alternate reality - it was our house but it wasn't - and I guess we figured we'd enjoy it while we could. Then just as suddenly as the house had appeared, I was holding our baby girl. I've seen her in dreams before - big bright eyes and the chubbiest of cheeks. I was kissing her soft little cheeks and then realized I didn't really know what to do with her - she didn't even have a diaper on. She looked up at me and started to fuss and get teary-eyed with a look that said "You don't know what you're doing!" I looked at her and started to get teary-eyed too, and said softly "I'm sorry baby, I don't know what I'm doing..." as I grabbed some paper towels to put under her.

Bad Cracklins

2007-09-21T12:37:00.000-04:00

A bothersome development: my jaw is feeling, well... crackly on and off lately. This can't be good. Like, it'll feel tight and similar to how it feels when a knuckle or other joint needs to be cracked, and I'm able to "pop" it, but that doesn't necessarily feel good or relieving. The thing that worries me is that I had jaw surgery 14 years ago and I don't think I should even be able to pop my jaw, at least I hadn't been able to until recently. Shit. I suppose I need to call the jerkass oral surgeon but I'd of course prefer not to. I wonder if there's some sort of warranty on this thing. If there was it's probably run out by now. What if I have to have another surgery? I never even considered that it would be a possibility, that the first one might not fully take. I was 15 at the time so I don't remember what all they told me. Maybe there was something in the fine print about you're not supposed to give blowjobs or it'll ruin the whole thing, but they were too polite to bring it up that warning considering my age at the time. Well, oops. Way too late now. Damnit.

At the moment

2007-09-19T23:14:00.000-04:00

I hate feeling like this. I'm mad at myself for feeling like this and that's not helping. I can realize that it's probably 50% hormonal, 25% things that have been building up, and 25% the reality of the situation but that doesn't help much either. You know, up late - when I should be tucking myself into bed - but instead it's all bouts of tears and sniffles and wanting to scream. This is when I realize I don't have a good outlet or coping mechanism, I feel so overwhelmed that I could explode. I have nowhere for these feelings to go. Well, I have my silly little blog, apparently. But right now I just feel really, deeply, alone. Distanced from everything. And that when I'm the only one I can turn to or depend on, I don't do that so well. I feel like everyone who has ever been close to me has just gotten frustrated and given up or somehow or another shook their heads with disapproval. I feel like I need a friend more than ever. I need to be true to myself more than ever. I don't know how to describe it. It seems like this should be one of the happiest times of my life, and thinking about that makes me feel that much more miserable. I know this sounds ridiculous and whiny, and I'm trying not to think about that and just write, because every time I picture someone reading what I write or listening to my feelings, I see them rolling their eyes and giving me the "pssht, whatever." My own wavering sense of self worth can really make it feel like everyone is against me. Like I'm difficult to love, or even to listen to or be around. My feelings or expressions no longer seem valid to you, and I feel like some passive-aggressive mess begging to be validated. I'm scared and unsure about the future more than ever. I wish that with all my doubts and insecurities, that I could at least be sure about something. Even if it's just this one thing. I know it won't always feel like this and I don't want it to now either. Even if it only makes sense to me and I'll regret it tomorrow, I guess I needed to get that out. Goodnight.

Phoning it in

2007-09-13T10:27:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it feels like I'm only running at, like, 20% power. You know, enough to cover basic functions and tasks but not a whole lot else. I'm sure everyone has felt similar from time to time, but when you tell people you've felt that way for maybe 3 or 4 years then it's not so understandable. I think something is telling me it's time for a change. Yeah, maybe it takes me longer than most people to pick up on those clues.

Little boxes made of ticky-tacky

2007-09-06T15:17:00.000-04:00

Since the fiance and I moved from apartment life into house life, we've had quite a bit of adjusting to do. Not just with the upkeep of the place but also the social aspects. Neighbors at our apartment complex for various reasons were best avoided if at all possible, which usually was not possible. Still, people pretty much kept to themselves, whether it be in a "fuck you, I'm gonna just carry on like no one else lives here" kind of way or in a "let's respectively ignore each other and pretend that we have some privacy" kind of way. So now that we're in a neighborhood of mostly friendly people, I have to keep in mind that they most likely are being genuinely nice, and aren't out to steal our newspaper or poop in our washing machine as soon as we're not looking. (God, I hope not anyway.)

The funny thing about running into neighbors is that unless you know them really well, there is always somewhat of the same conversation taking place. Because really, what do you talk about with neighborhood acquaintances? The thing about these conversations is that they just don't seem to go much of anywhere.

"Have you met so and so that lives across the street?"
"No, not yet."
"Yeah, me neither."
Shrug.

Or

"I've seen you guys outside, you know, doing yard work and stuff."
"Oh, yep - I see you sometimes too."
"Oh yeah, we've waved."
"Yeah!"
Long pause.
"So... uh, have you met so and so over there?"

Or

"Oh, I remember the nice lady who used to live in your house."
"Mmm hmm."
"We were all surprised when she died."
"Yeah, that's really too ba-"
"From what I understand it was somewhat sudden."
"Leave me alone, I didn't do it."

Well, okay - you get the point. You talk about your lawns and stuff you want to do to your house, and hear the occasional tidbits of gossip about other neighbors, and it's really not all bad. It just takes some getting used to. As cynical as I am though, I am thankful for the small talk and little social interactions. We've even forged somewhat of a friendship with the couple next door, and try to make more of an effort to get to know the other surrounding neighbors. I know this sounds ridiculously simple, but for us it's quite an achievement to keep breaking away from our safe, anti-social comfort zone! (Can I throw in one more time that our last apartment really made us bitter and we stayed there about 3 years too long?)

What about you? Best/worst neighbor interactions to share?

No, that's not me in the picture

2007-08-28T12:39:00.000-04:00

Anyway. As a follow-up to the last post: I did get a haircut that I really like (shorter than I expected, but it's bouncy-bouncy), but unfortunately didn't do so until after getting my god-awful license picture taken. (The lady was nice enough to do a couple retries before just saying "Sorry, I think that's as good as it's gonna get.") I REALLY don't photograph well (especially when I'm expecting it) and think I ended up looking like a tired, pale, bloated, thug. I mean, I was tired, pale and bloated but looking thuggish was sort of a surprise. Anyway, I had plenty of comfort food and comfort drinks over the weekend, and had a really nice 29th birthday overall. Sorry for all the whining that led up to it.

Fuddle-duds

2007-08-22T13:37:00.000-04:00

I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. Sometimes I look at how far I've come, and sometimes I feel like I'm worse than ever. Is it the cutback on the antidepressants? Could be. Or a bunch of other things. Or nothing really at all. My birthday is on Friday, the last b-day of my twenties. Oh, I know - don't get all sad and reflective. But you know I do. And also get overwhelmed with the feeling of "where did all that time go? And what do I have to show for it?" But then, this coming year some big things will happen and perhaps it will all just get better and better from here on out. Yeah...

I've just been down. Particularly unhappy with my job and not sure how much longer I should stay here. It's not that the job is bad, it's just that being here makes me feel bad. And, you know - reclusive, inferior, bitter, negative, etc. That's all. Maybe that's what it's like for most people. But then I kinda think there might be something out there that's a better fit. Then again, I also have the feeling that if I leave too soon - like on a depressed whim - I will really regret it and realize that I had it pretty good here. Meh.

I'm feeling frumpy and ugly and not particularly looking forward to getting a new license picture taken or giving the state $83 that I don't have for the new license and tags. Or getting a stupid new license plate because they decided to change the colors - I like the one I have! But, whaddaya do?

Sorry for being such a stick in the mud. I think I could use a haircut, some ibuprofen and some sort of comfort food. That usually helps.

In this issue of ManCat...

2007-08-17T15:53:00.000-04:00

We bring you this oh-so-sexy centerfold shot of Mr. Jones. Sure, it's probably because it happened to be the only one readily available ~~on the computer at work~~ to our staff, but more importantly because you look like you could use a little ManCat love. Just try to resist petting that belly-fur. He promises to give you a warning lick before he bites!

Also, no one told me previously about the Kitty Cat Dance video? I could've had this song stuck in my head months ago, people!

Your Head A Splode

2007-08-17T13:53:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, for no good reason,
I find myself worrying that I might have a brain tumor
And then I wonder,
Is it the brain tumor that's making me think that?

Woah.

P.S. Hey, sweet! I just found a collection of "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" online.

Perma-wrinkles (haiku)

2007-08-07T15:54:00.000-04:00

Frowning at my pants
If I didn't ever sit
They would look better

But what's really been going on?

2007-08-06T13:01:00.000-04:00

Not much here. Other than one little trip to Target, we were pretty much shut-ins all weekend. You'd think with all that time at home, I would've tidied it up pretty well. Alas, it's only about 25% tidied, if that. Oh well. Sometimes you gotta just laze about, read, eat, snooze and not do anything overly productive on the weekend. The fee-on-say had good reason, what with the after-effects of gum surgery (poor thing!) and the vicodin and all that. As for me, I just felt kind of blah.

Is it common for old injuries, aches and pains to act up more when it's rainy or overcast and humid? Or is this just another sign of getting older? My "old fart knee" as I affectionately call it sometimes, has been feeling odd and achy these last few days, and my boss mentioned that his bad back has been acting up as well.

I don't know when exactly, (suppose I should document it for posterity) but I quietly made the decision recently that I'd start to slowly slowly taper off the head-meds (zoloft) again. No jokes, please. We'll see how it goes. Last time it didn't go so well, so I went back on as usual, but I may have been too abrupt with it, or it just wasn't the right time. I'm not promising anything, I'm just seeing how it goes. So far I feel relatively okay. I know I'm not a child or a very high risk I guess, but it's a little surprising how the doctor's office pretty much couldn't care less either way. They did stress that tapering slowly was important, but other than that, it's up to you, on or off, pssht - whatever, go home. This, and several other reasons make me think that it's probably time to move on to a different physician's practice. But I won't get into all that.

I can't wait to see what happens on Big Love tonight. That show is such a soap opera, and I'm hooked.

Puffy Eyes & Poems

2007-08-01T11:44:00.000-04:00

Today,
I am puffy-eyed, tired, and just want
to read poetry that makes me
feel something
and think about you
But,
at least for now,
no more tears

Teenage Bun-Buns

2007-07-25T12:35:00.000-04:00

Hey, thanks for rescuing me when I fell down your window well, guys. That was soooo embarrassing! I was so immature back then, uh, three weeks ago.

So ah, figured I'd just go ahead and help you out with summa these here dandelions (chomp chomp) - you know, since you guys aren't eating em. Is that kewl?

Oh and BTW, sorry 'bout all the turds. LOL, right guys!?

Fool Me Twice - or - No Really, It's Just The Top

2007-07-23T13:00:00.000-04:00

Alright, I suppose I set myself up for this. I found what I thought was a cute, hint-of-cleavage-showing top at Penney's a while back. Now I know that some of you smart, fashion savvy ladies out there would've passed it by simply due to the implications of wearing something with an empire waist. Ohh, but not me. Apparently, I needed to learn my lesson. Uh, twice.

1st wearing: Future Mother-in-Law points out that even though she knows it's just a babydoll-style top, (at this point I cringe) she can't help but think of me carrying her future grandchild when she looks at me in it. Much baby talk, strong hinting and uncomfortableness ensues. At that point I consider never wearing that top again. But then...

2nd wearing, yesterday: I'm not planning on leaving the house much anyway, so I put it on again. I insist that J gives me his honest opinion on whether or not the shirt makes me look pregnant. He thinks it's cute and that I'm just being my usual paranoid self-conscious self. Well, I no more than stand in my driveway for ten seconds, and the neighbor lady walking by with her dog stops to chat, gets all big-eyed and asks if we're "expecting". "No, no - it's just the top" I respond flatly, folding my arms in an effort to cover myself up. "Oh that's the second time I've been wrong when I've asked someone that! It's those empire-waist tops!" "Heh, yeah." I brush off the comment and make small-talk as long as I can stand it, though I really just want to run back inside and/or die of embarrassment. Can't help but beat myself up over that one later for not knowing better, because the pudginess doesn't help my case (or self-esteem!) either. But for now, I will blame it on the top (shown below, except mine is just plain blue) and my failure to pick out flattering clothing. I must bid good riddance to you, my silly (albeit cute and inexpensive) fashion faux pas!

Favorite new show

2007-07-17T13:56:00.000-04:00

My favorite, or actually our (yeah - isn't that cute?) favorite new show that's been running through my head lately is Flight of the Conchords. Have you seen this? It's really good stuff! I hate to compare it to anything because that won't quite do it justice - but I'll just say that if you're a fan of deadpan humor (e.g. The Office, Arrested Development), witty music parodies (e.g. Tenacious D), interesting-sounding (e.g. New Zealand) accents, or if you're just cool you will most likely dig it. Chances are if you've been on our couch recently we've shared this show (and possibly even some drinks & snacks) with you. If not, there are quite a few video clips that you can check out online if you're interested.

P.S. I totally looked up the proper usage of "e.g." versus "i.e." for this post, in order to impress all you fancy, highly-edumacated readers out there. Then I debated that it still didn't sound quite right and maybe I should just leave it out instead of risking it. Then I told myself to just shut-up and post this because that's beside the point of the whole thing anyhow. Ah, sweet nerdification!

The search continues...

2007-07-16T13:20:00.000-04:00

Checked out another wedding venue this weekend, not sure if it's a likely candidate. One "plus" that they have is the BYOB policy, so we can supply the liquor, have their bartenders serve it and possibly save some money that way (we're trying to avoid a cash bar if possible, but it probably won't be possible). The negatives include: slightly out of town location, a gravel "parking lot" and the building itself (which is an old mill that's been renovated) looking from the outside pretty much like the surrounding buildings in that area - as in, ugly warehouse-like and/or abandoned. The room rental also isn't that cheap considering the above and that you have to rent place settings for $3.50 a pop. Plus, we both agreed that having a sign out front with "let us catar your event" just doesn't inspire confidence. Thankfully it didn't say "you're event" though - I think I would've screamed and run away at that point.

The suggestions were good for having a casual backyard wedding - our yard is just too small, and any family members who would have decent-sized property are a ways out of town. Still a consideration though. There are a few more places on my list that I want to visit - I'm trying to keep my hopes up. There has to be something at least halfway decent around here.

Of course, there's always the beach wedding idea - can't imagine what could go wrong there...

You mustn't touch

2007-07-13T10:43:00.000-04:00

I know I have a number of somewhat silly hang-ups about things. One of them is personal space, and another is eating in the company of others. I may have noted in a previous post that I experience some displeasure and discomfort in others nosing in on whatever I'm eating. Sure, at home I wouldn't mind my fiance grabbing a bite off my plate or touching my food, we're cool like that - but with coworkers that feels like a boundary that just shouldn't be crossed. With one of my coworkers, I can blame this on two things: she happens to have a very inquisitive nature (she's usually interrupting you to ask another question while you're trying to answer the first one) and she never wears her damn glasses. So, say I bring something from a fast food place for lunch. Even if she's got something of her own, this is usually what happens:
Co: What'd you get?
Me: Oh, just a chicken sandwich off the dollar menu (shrugging as to promote the idea it's nothing to be too interested in.)
Co: Ohh. I haven't had that before, what kind?
Me: Just a fri-
Co: Lemme see it (rolls chair over to my desk, leans in about 3 inches from sandwich)
Me: (Feeling awkward) Yep, just yer basic chicken sand-
Co: Lemme see how much meat they put on it, what else is on it? (squinting and reaching for it)
Which mostly likely will lead to me slapping her hand away and yelling "Dude, back off! I am not lifting my buns up to show you my meat!" loud enough for everyone in the office to hear.
That'll teach her.

Distracted, discouraged, somewhat hopeful

2007-07-09T22:03:00.000-04:00

Not to be a complainer, but... ah, fuck it - you know me. Lately I've really been making a concerted effort to get back into the wedding planning, but I'm still not getting very far. It just doesn't come as naturally to me as it does most women, that part that says "This! I want this and I must have it! I'm a princess, a pretty pretty princess!" Ok, maybe not. But I do need to get at least something in order, an' wit' a quickness. The few options that are out there are all getting booked for any of the decent dates next year. I'm feelin the pressure, yo. The trouble isn't just money - even though that is quite troubling - it's that I'm awful at making decisions, especially when I'm not that thrilled with any of my options. I know that sometime here in the nearish future, we'll be married. But right now, it just feels really out of reach and I feel just kind of stupid and bad about it. But that's just me. I've probably said all this before.

I've been seeing some really awful, like inexcusably bad, websites while looking for wedding vendors. Stuff that hasn't been updated in years, corny graphics from the 90s, the whole bit. Doesn't anyone check out business' websites these days? I mean, I'm not going to book something just by seeing it online, but damn, would it kill these people to put up some useful information? Maybe throw me a few decent pictures that aren't thumbnail size? It is at least somewhat representative of your business, no? Bah!

But it's alright.

So, how've you been? We should catch up again sometime soon.

Please don't report me to Clinton & Stacy

2007-06-28T12:52:00.000-04:00

I need some new clothes, man. The good news is: I lost some weight over the last couple months. The bad news is: I haven't lost enough to really fit into the stuff I was wearing this time last year. So I'm in that awkward in-between phase where the few larger-sized items I bought a few months ago are just making me look bigger than I am now, and the smaller clothes I have are making me look like I'm a little too "poured into" them. I mostly wear button-up blouses to work and they will fit for the most part, except I'm getting that annoying peek-a-boo around the third button region across the bust (see pic of Ms. Spears with that problem, exaggerated). Oh, and that of course doesn't mean I'm not wearing these shirts. Because you know the look I'm going for says "Hey - I'm a little bit office, but I'm a little bit hussy too - lookit my bra!" But, you know, it's fine - just as long as I keep pulling on my shirt, and you don't view me from the side. Dude, I need some new clothes.

Invisible Roadblocks

2007-06-26T15:09:00.000-04:00

Why do I always feel the need to give myself an intro to what I'm going to say? It's a whole lot of leading up to nothing. I feel as if I'm gradually unlearning any previous communication skills I had. Bear with, I feel some train-of-thought, free-form posts coming. And well, there I go again...

Last night I wasn't sleeping well, kept waking up in that annoying "I'm seriously WAY too awake at this hour" kind of way. Stupid brain wouldn't shut-up. The internal monologue went something like this:
"Hey! What was that joke, that was somewhat funny that time? Hmm, now you can't get back to sleep til you think of it! How did that go again?"
"Why? Who cares? Please, PLEASE shut up and just stop thinking about it!"
"Hey, how about I just keep repeating the song 'Hey Jude' in your head for no reason?"
"RRRGHH!"
"Can I just conjure up some abstract yet poignant dreams?"
"Fine. As long as I can sleep..."

And then I dreamed that a very nice lady (though I'm not quite sure who she was) was gently telling me that I could benefit from some counseling - because, A) most people can benefit from it, and B) I've hit somewhat of a roadblock that I need to work through in order to get on with my life.

Huh. And then I dreamed that I woke up and told you that.

The point is not lost on me, but still... weird.

Another from the blurry cat series

2007-06-19T09:56:00.000-04:00

"Sooo snoozy... must continue grooming... so much belly-fur to tend to, but..." *yawn*

"Myeh. Finish baftime later..." *Honk-shoo*

Well, hose me down

2007-06-12T10:35:00.000-04:00

So, recently - in an effort to give myself a more lively glow - I tried one of those "mystic tans" that I had heard about. I haven't done too well in the past with applying self-tanner at home - it always ends up looking like I have some sort of skin disease once I'm out in natural light. So I thought yeah, maybe having an automated machine hose me down with tanner would have better results.

I have to hand it to the woman at the tanning salon - she was very friendly and very thorough with the instructions. She even had me watch a demonstration video which instructed you to remove all clothing before you get sprayed, yet to my disappointment, did not show people demonstrating getting naked. Pfft. Anyway, she warned me that there is somewhat of a "learning curve" with using the system. It seemed pretty damn simple to me, but once I got in there I understood what she meant. See, once you get in the booth the whole thing happens so fast, and this automated voice is giving you instructions that you can't really hear what with all the misting and blowing and whatnot. I was too focused on whether or not I should be holding my breath, and when I did take one I ended up getting a lungful of the disgustingly-sweet tanning mist that was filling the entire chamber - that can't be good. So if I hadn't been busy coughing that out, I might've done a better job at holding out my arms as instructed to get an even coating. Oops. I was just glad that the whole spraying time was less than 20 seconds, as I already was feeling claustrophobic and having visions of gas chambers in that short amount of time.

So, the results? Pretty good, slightly smelly, a few splotchy spots and streaks where it was uneven, but not too bad. I wouldn't want to do this right before going out in a bathing suit (not that I see that happening any time soon) as the streaks would've been pretty obvious - but with clothes on, it looked pretty good and wasn't orangey. Bad thing is, the color only lasted for a few days (it can last up to a week) - so for $25 it probably wasn't the most practical. In my case though, I had really lotioned myself up before going in there, and the lady did warn me that if the moisturizer you use beforehand has mineral oil in it (oops, it did) the tan may not "take" as well. So, see? Learning curve.

In case you are considering this, here are a few other points to remember:
1. Get naked. I'm not sure if your bathing suit would make it without getting stained.
2. They will give you some "barrier cream" which is to be applied where you don't want the tanner to look freaky - such as palms & fingernails. Other places that they don't tell you about that will look dirty-tan afterwards? The bellybutton and the batty-crease. Ew. Also, I put the cream on my elbows considering they'd be somewhat dry, but it ended up looking weird when they were still white afterward.
3. Remember to breathe, and also - when appropriate - to not breathe.
4. The automated voice does a countdown before you get sprayed on one side, then another countdown for you to turn around and get sprayed on the other side. I'm glad the nice woman told me beforehand to expect this, because once you're in there the voice is about as distinguishable as the teacher from those Charlie Brown cartoons.
5. Keep in mind that you'll smell oddly sweet and feel a little sticky but won't be able to shower for 4 hours afterward.
6. Towel off really well, and don't put your favorite bra on right after the mystic tan - I had no choice but to wear it or walk back through the salon carrying it - I chose modesty and now that shit won't wash out.

So, I can't say it was an altogether bad experience, but I also probably won't rush back to do it again. What about you? Do you get a summer glow the old-fashioned (and free) way or do you prefer another method?

Different but kinda the same

2007-06-06T12:51:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates again. Spent yesterday lying on the couch trying to ease the pressure on my head and fighting the related nausea (pre-menstrual migraines are a bitch), watching some awful reality show marathon (Bad Girls Club), napping and snuggling with the cat when he'd allow it (he's gotta be in the right mood and it has to be his idea - cats, I tell ya). Okay, so that's not really a decent excuse. I just didn't feel like writing I guess.

The little get-together with my friends from school went fine. It ended up just being myself and 2 other girls so it wasn't really a ton of pressure. I mean, it wouldn't be for the average person, but being Nervous Girl and all - I felt a bit awkward about it. I felt like I didn't have a whole lot to share or a whole lot that I wanted to share. They are both getting married this year and due to my own indecision, my wedding date is up in the air. Not that it's a bad thing. But listening to all their wedding plans got me a bit stressed out. No one tried to make me feel bad or anything, I just felt a little bad, so I was kind of quiet. You know, one of those conversations where you go around the table and everyone shares what wonderful things they have planned and when it gets to me I just shrug. Part of it is that I don't really have the budget and/or connections that they do, and part of it is that I just don't care so much about putting up this front of fakeness and trying to impress people so much these days. I've always been a little "different" so I imagine my wedding will be a little "different" too, but it'll be sweet in it's own way. *Shrugs*

The thing with the upcoming high-school reunion is that it's been made to sound like it's by invitation only, and only if you're cool enough. Maybe that's just the source I'm getting it from though. I'm still in the same town that I graduated in, so it seems sort of odd that the people organizing this have had a hard time tracking down people such as myself. I'm not really interested in jumping through hoops to get invited to something that I'm not even that interested in attending, so I don't know if I'll bother. One of the girls I met with was like "oh, you can probably go... I'm going but... you know... it might be past the deadline anyway." This brought back the old feelings of being in high-school so much that I started feeling like putting on some flannel and cords, listening to NIN (ok, technically I still do - the new album is actually really good), writing bad poetry and telling everyone to fuck off. Good times, good times.

In other news of friends that come and go, I also found out last weekend that my one local female friend who I consider to be a "real" friend has decided to move to Philly in a couple weeks. This saddens me greatly, but I can't blame her for wanting to try something new, and to get out of Michigan. At least she'd still hopefully come back to visit since there's family and friends here, so we'll see.

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.
- Keane

Moving On To Other Worries...

2007-06-03T10:15:00.000-04:00

Well, I can eat my words. The visit with dad was short and sweet, with no major issues to report.

I'm excited but also somewhat nervous to be meeting up with some old friends today. We were all really close in middle school, but gradually drifted apart during and after highschool. It should be a good time. I've just got to try to turn off that critical inner voice that compares myself to everyone else. But you know how that goes. If nothing else, maybe I can still pull off being "the funny one." There's also the 10 year highschool reunion coming up later this summer, which I haven't necessarily been invited to, as the popular folks are in charge of these things. Really not sure that I'd be up for going to that anyway.

Ah well, enough dwelling on what may or may not happen. I gotta go get ready.

Dads can be weird sometimes

2007-06-01T11:13:00.000-04:00

I wonder if perhaps the best way to plan for a dad visit is to not plan so much at all. He doesn't often give a lot of notice, and insists on being vague about when he'll arrive and when he'll leave. This can tend to stress me out. It almost seems like he does it purposely so you can't say no. Leaves me feeling like I'm a bad hostess by having to ask "so... were you thinking of staying over, or... getting back on the road?" He'll say to just tell him if it won't work out, but it also feels like there's a load-bearing wall of guilt behind that statement. Like when he responds "sure I can find a... campground or cheap motel or something around there." I don't know. Maybe he gets just as uncomfortable as I do and just wants to see how things play out. Still, doesn't make it the easiest to plan around or prepare for.

So, this time I'm not really planning either. He's supposed to call my cell phone vaguely this afternoon, hopefully it's not when he's already waiting at our house. Nevermind that I'm at work, he doesn't know the new location, and it would be preferred that he didn't just "drop in" here. But, I don't want to over-think it like I usually do. Even though I inevitably will.

See, we have a history of some rather uncomfortable visits over the years, so I feel like I'm always expecting the worst. Probably not the best way to go at the situation, but it's hard not to. There's always some comment that sticks with me from the last visit, like how he wants to be happy that we're finally getting married but we did it all backwards by living together before marriage and all, etc. Ah well, at least he didn't throw in the old "women who sleep with men outside of marriage are whores." Ahem. Eh. The bad thing is, anticipating what he might say tends to make me all revved up to be defensive. I need to keep my cool. I know, I'm an adult and should stand up for myself. But it gets sort of pointless to argue. It wasn't always like this, and I hate to say it because it's worked for him - but the church he joined and the way it has changed him has sort of put a damper on our relationship. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells not to cause a debate or an unwelcome evangelizin'. Try to keep everything PG and PBS-like with dad. And definitely avoid getting the missionaries called in to tell us The Truth. Ok, see I am over-thinking it now and getting edgy. Just keep things light and positive, right? It'll probably be fine and I'll feel like a shit for saying anything. :)

He still wants to play though

2007-05-30T11:02:00.000-04:00

Jonesey doesn't care so much for the intricacies of your Scrabble game.
(Paws at tiles with frustration)